“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us…”: Ephesians 3:20
I don’t think anyone can do a disappearing act like I can. However I have always said that when I needed to I could totally not write for a while until whatever else that I had going on could be taken care of to the best of my ability. And that is what I did. I always say people make time for the things they want to make the time for. I preach it often at work so I know that while I could have made the time to keep this blog up, I simply decided not so that I place my complete and total attention elsewhere. Sometimes G-d will have you in a season where you are getting to know Him and in doing so you get to know yourself as well. That’s where I have been for the last year.
I have had to rebuild my family life, first and foremost my marriage. I have purposely been silent on the subject as I removed myself from the equation and allowed G-d to be G-D! So often flesh can try to determine a path for us that while it may seem like the “Yellow brick road”, it is the farthest path away from where G-d is trying to take you. I will be the first to admit that I have struggled with this marriage for an awful amount of time. Often believing that we were so far away from any possibility of reconciliation. However, the one thing that had to happen before that was even possible was that I had to go back to the basics and fall in love with myself. And when I say that I mean all of me. Shortcomings, failures, periods of stupidity all of it. From all of it I had to learn to rebuild the trust in myself that I am capable of being, doing, accomplishing, having, all that I have asked for in my life.
I have admitted trust issues before—with other people-not realizing that I have to come to that point with them because on a deeper level I failed to trust myself. Before I got married I knew I wasn’t supposed to get married then. I always thought It was because I had the wrong person, when He was actually talking about the timing of it. I was not emotionally prepared for the relationship. I failed to allow G-d to process me like I needed to be. Quite frankly I needed to be healed from past hurts, relationships and childhood traumas. I picked up some habits regarding relationships from the women in my life-aunties, my grandmother and even my mother. LadyLee pointed this out once and I was to bull-headed to see it then, but during this year, I have often thought of her words because I was finally able to see the truth in them. Thank you for speaking even though I was able to receive them at the time.
This past year has allowed me to deal with those past things to the point of where I don’t even feel pain like I used to. I can think of past hurts with indifference and even smile because I know that greater good has come out of them. Through all of that my heart was able to be open to being able love myself as well as others like I have wanted to all of my life.
So my husband and I have been working on our relationship this entire time. Becoming friends again like we were a very long time ago. Learning to listen and really hear one another on a different level. Working together to build the relationship wanted to have from the very beginning. And it has been hard work. I had to learn to focus more on me than what I felt was wrong with him. I think with any type of relationship, that is where people get off on the wrong road—worrying about the other person instead of themselves. Once I began to change, my husband response to me changed and in the process along the line, he changed as well. It’s been incredibly good. Not perfect, but always working and evolving.
My relationship with my mother has also greatly improved as well. For the first time since I can remember, I often miss her and pick up the phone and call her to check on her and to hear her voice. I am actually looking forward to her coming to visit me at some point this year.
2007 was a good year. I know that this one will be even better. G-d is so faithful!
I have more to re-cap and I will at another time in the next week. I have a lot to share from the things I have been learning this year.