Warriors Heart!

2008-01-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

Re-Cap…
“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us…”: Ephesians 3:20

I don’t think anyone can do a disappearing act like I can. However I have always said that when I needed to I could totally not write for a while until whatever else that I had going on could be taken care of to the best of my ability. And that is what I did. I always say people make time for the things they want to make the time for. I preach it often at work so I know that while I could have made the time to keep this blog up, I simply decided not so that I place my complete and total attention elsewhere. Sometimes G-d will have you in a season where you are getting to know Him and in doing so you get to know yourself as well. That’s where I have been for the last year.

I have had to rebuild my family life, first and foremost my marriage. I have purposely been silent on the subject as I removed myself from the equation and allowed G-d to be G-D! So often flesh can try to determine a path for us that while it may seem like the “Yellow brick road”, it is the farthest path away from where G-d is trying to take you. I will be the first to admit that I have struggled with this marriage for an awful amount of time. Often believing that we were so far away from any possibility of reconciliation. However, the one thing that had to happen before that was even possible was that I had to go back to the basics and fall in love with myself. And when I say that I mean all of me. Shortcomings, failures, periods of stupidity all of it. From all of it I had to learn to rebuild the trust in myself that I am capable of being, doing, accomplishing, having, all that I have asked for in my life.

I have admitted trust issues before—with other people-not realizing that I have to come to that point with them because on a deeper level I failed to trust myself. Before I got married I knew I wasn’t supposed to get married then. I always thought It was because I had the wrong person, when He was actually talking about the timing of it. I was not emotionally prepared for the relationship. I failed to allow G-d to process me like I needed to be. Quite frankly I needed to be healed from past hurts, relationships and childhood traumas. I picked up some habits regarding relationships from the women in my life-aunties, my grandmother and even my mother. LadyLee pointed this out once and I was to bull-headed to see it then, but during this year, I have often thought of her words because I was finally able to see the truth in them. Thank you for speaking even though I was able to receive them at the time.

This past year has allowed me to deal with those past things to the point of where I don’t even feel pain like I used to. I can think of past hurts with indifference and even smile because I know that greater good has come out of them. Through all of that my heart was able to be open to being able love myself as well as others like I have wanted to all of my life.

So my husband and I have been working on our relationship this entire time. Becoming friends again like we were a very long time ago. Learning to listen and really hear one another on a different level. Working together to build the relationship wanted to have from the very beginning. And it has been hard work. I had to learn to focus more on me than what I felt was wrong with him. I think with any type of relationship, that is where people get off on the wrong road—worrying about the other person instead of themselves. Once I began to change, my husband response to me changed and in the process along the line, he changed as well. It’s been incredibly good. Not perfect, but always working and evolving.

My relationship with my mother has also greatly improved as well. For the first time since I can remember, I often miss her and pick up the phone and call her to check on her and to hear her voice. I am actually looking forward to her coming to visit me at some point this year.

2007 was a good year. I know that this one will be even better. G-d is so faithful!
I have more to re-cap and I will at another time in the next week. I have a lot to share from the things I have been learning this year.

Be Blessed. Chosen.

2007-10-28T22:21:00.000-06:00

Run your race…

“And let us run with patience the race that is set before us…: Hebrews 12:1c

I can not tell you how much I have missed this place. Writing is so much of who I am that when I don’t do it, I know that I am definitely missing out on something. I haven’t even of late made time to at least read my other favorite blogs so I have a lot of catching up to do.

Life is good. Not because everything is perfect or going well, but merely because I’m thankful to have it. I have decided to slow down in some areas of my life. Mainly my schedule. Over the summer I spent tons of time running between home with the kids’ activities, taking care of my family, work, and trying to find time for myself. I ended up with a cold that I found a little harder to get over than usual. My daughter, who is 14, suggested that I rest- not partially but put “my list” down and be still. I think I ignored her “childish” advice for about one more week before I decided that she had the word on that thing. While I was still, G-d reminded of all the things I REALLY wanted to do and why those things were important.

The first place I made cuts was in my job. Shorter hours with less responsibility work best for me. As much as I love it, I realized after some prolonged thought that I allowed myself to get caught up with all of that. Ever go into something with one clear intent and find yourself completely off target a while later forgetting what it was you originally desired? That’s where I found myself of late. Initially I took it to put funds into other projects I wanted to expand of my own. Those projects have found themselves on hold longer than they should’ve been. But once I started this job, I fell in love with my clients and wanting to use that place as a form of ministry. And while it’s still ministry to me, I lost my desire to become a director like I thought I wanted to. I think more than anything, I kinda got swept up in the fact that for once In a long time I felt necessary, capable, and talented and accomplished. In hindsight I was simply receiving from people a validation of who G-d had already showed me I was. Sad, but true. Accepting that promotion was a blinding moment. I allowed myself to be distracted. But, with clearer vision, I’ve taken a step back and 10 steps forward.

I don’t know what came over me. I’m competitive by nature. I never thought that I was, but during this fantastic year of discovery, I know I am. That competitive spirit serves to work well at times and works against me at others. Initially, I needed to erase doubt within myself of what I am capable of. You know erase some invisible stigma I thought was attached to me as a “Stay at home Mom”. I allowed myself to compare myself to other women thinking I can do more, give more, be more. You know that whole unwritten standard that we can try to adhere to. I have always in the past been able to see the value in what I took on as a stay at home mother. You can’t belittle wiping runny noses, hugging away tears, reading story books, or preparing home cooked meals. It’s intangible. Somehow I forgot that.

I understand that I have to run my race. My life works for me, because it’s built on my core beliefs and around my priorities. I define the standard. It can’t be compared to no one else’s. I am called to something totally unique. Therefore I have to run at my speed, on my level and in my time. I live a fantastic life. And in that I am beyond content. I feel no loss with my steeping away from what may seem like a great position. I already had one, I simply needed to be reminded of that.

As always, Be Blessed,
Chosen.

2007-09-07T15:26:00.000-06:00

Hidden Wisdom…

“Then said I, Wisdom is better than strength: nevertheless the poor man's wisdom is despised, and his words are not heard”…Ecclesiastes 9:16

One of the things that I have noticed within myself as well as in others is a certain lack meekness. I am working hard on that. I have learned that every one has something to teach whether it appears to be apparent or not. Teenagers tend to hit this stage at some point and it irritates the crap out of parents. As my children get older, I notice this habit quite often. I just smile because I realize there will come a time when they will come to their senses and grow out of it. Looking back I realize that I must have really gotten on my mother’s last nerve! I do happen to notice that some adults remain trapped in this stage. Some of my clients do this from time to time and I often want to shake them until they hear me but I have learned to restrain myself. Take for in stance, I work in a health related field and while I was teaching on health and nutrition everyday I hard a hard time practicing what I preached. So of course some of my clients ignored my advice and what I had to say even though they were paying to do so. Once I began to actually follow my own advice (and minus 22 lbs) they now know that I knew what I was talking about.

I really appreciate the clients that listened regardless of whether I looked like I was the size they felt I should be. Those who listened while I was struggling with my own personal commitment to my health are now at their goal or within a small range towards it. All because they were meek enough to receive from me regardless. Had they learned early in their life to learn to be objective they too could be further along also.

My point is this, I once had this philosophy that if you didn’t have what I wanted or were where I wanted to be, I would ignore you. After all what could you possibly have to share with me? I have long ago abandoned that advice which I found in a business book years ago. The word talks about a poor man saving a city yet his wisdom was despised (Ecclesiastes 9:15). The funny thing is, is that some people aren’t looking for the same things as the rest of us, yet that doesn’t mean that they don’t have good advice or that they can’t be a rung on the ladder towards our success. If nothing else, they know what things not to do in life. Every area may not look like we think it should and they may struggle with their own issues, but they still have the ability to teach us a thing or two. G-d spent a lot of time using people who didn’t seem to it the bill for being able to teach or be His messengers. Take Naomi and Ruth for example, Here this woman is giving advice to a young widow to catch a man, a rich one at that, when she didn’t have squat to her name. Yet in following that advice Ruth scored the man and a new life. If she hadn’t been meek, she may have missed her destiny! Plenty of people ignored Jesus because He didn’t fit their expectation. G-d certainly does use the foolish things does He not?

I recently ignored some wisdom that I despised at the time because I still thought, if this person knew so much then why were they not doing more with their own life? Later when I was still G-d showed me my own haughtiness and I was ashamed. And since I have come to the same conclusion as that advice from months ago, I realize that G-d used this person to speak words I ignored and I could saved myself some time, effort and energy! From now on I will slow down, listen and take what they have to say back to G-d and ask Him to illuminate what has been spoken—whether I should listen or ignore it since I failed to do that the last time. Lesson learned though.

Until next time…
Be Blessed!
Chosen.

2007-08-27T22:37:00.000-06:00

Discoveries….

"And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

I know I have been missing for a minute, but as I always say, if anything has to be cut when life gets busy, he blog is the first thing, I put off until things slow down. Not that things have actually slowed yet, but I missed reading my favorite blogs and I definitely miss writing here.

I can’t tell you how much I love living here. Funny thing is, I really didn’t want to come. I just couldn’t imagine moving here and being happy. So I came almost kicking and screaming. It’s weird how we talk about wanting change and then fight it every step of the way when G-d pushes us in a new direction. It’s that unfamiliar territory that scares us because we forget that G-d is going to be with us every step of the way on our new journey. As His children, He would never let go of our hand until we are ready to stand on our own.

As much as I thought I knew about me and with all the things I thought I was beginning to learn, I realized that I still know very little about myself. I have come to realize little things about myself that while new to me are very familiar to G-d. Take for instance, living here. I’m at the point of not being able to imagine living anywhere else. If you would have told me that I would be saying that almost a year ago I would have laughed myself silly. What makes me love it so much is the fact that there are tons of family geared activities. There are hundreds of parks and trails in the communities that allow families to stay active together. And I love natural things. Outside is my favorite place to be. The climate is perfect for outdoor activities. Just enough heat during the day with a breeze still flowing to keep you cool most of the time. (I.e. there is very little humidity). We have been taking the kids to the mountains on the weekends or on off days so we can all hike and walk the trails and just get out and spend time together. They love it! There is lots of open space for growing children to run and play endlessly.

Surprisingly, I have been so incredibly happy here. It’s just been an amazing time for me. But I realized that I had linked everything that was good to this new place and quite frankly that’s not what it is. While this may contribute to my overall feeling of well being, it’s really because I finally really like me. Faults, imperfections, and still “under construction”, ME. I finally get that I can only give what I have. I can’t instill confidence in my children if I don’t have it for myself. How do I teach it to them? If I don’t truly love all of me, how do I fully genuinely love them or anyone else? I hear people say they love someone when you can tell by the manner in which they treat themselves and allow others to treat them that they couldn’t possibly. Placing others before yourself or giving more to another person than you give to yourself is no indication that you love someone. That’s just a common misconception. It starts with self first. That’s why Jesus made a point to tell us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31). How can I love you like I love myself if I don’t love me? Loving me first benefits all those in my circle. It’s a trickle effect. Looking back I can now see how I attracted some of the people I did in my past. People who treated me like dirt because secretly I treated me the same way.

In this season, G-d has shown me how to open myself up a little more. I had to be open to myself and first and now to others. With my heart open, I am more able to fully allow love and friendship in my life. It’s been absolutely amazing.

But here’s the thing, all the things that I am discovering about myself aren’t new. They were there all the time, I just never allowed myself to entertain them. Often we set up boundaries early in life. There are things that we some how feel are for “others” but not something we would do ourselves. Most of that is “environmental programming”. We limit ourselves based on the experiences we have as we grow up and the people we are surrounded by during that time. Parents and loved ones have the ability to either feed our hopes and dreams or stifle the limitless possibilities that our lives can be with their fear and obstructed vision of the world and life in general. But at some point if we allow G-d, He will show us different aspects of ourselves that tend to go unnoticed because we fail to be open to anything but that which we feel comfortable with. We tend to want to avoid things that will genuinely make us accountable for who we are It’s in the midst of those new discoveries that we are able to see how to live our best lives-- the life He predestined from eternity.

Being more open for me has opened many doors that would have otherwise remained closed. So much of the reason why I am loving life here has very little to do with where I am living or the people that I have met but more about me coming into. well ME. I have found a peace and an element of quiet confidence in my Father’s ability to keep me in any circumstance. It’s not new, however I made the discovery just when I needed to. There are a lot more discoveries that I have to share but since time is short right now, I’ll reserve them for later.

Until next time…
Be Blessed. Chosen.

2007-07-04T21:05:00.000-06:00

Checking myself…
Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11

G-d is so awesome! I have to tell you that I am so blessed by His parenting and His care of me. I’m about to transfer to another center within my company for better pay and scheduling. I am really looking forward to it simply because I know that my talents will be better utilized there. My job is fantastic, I absolutely love it! I had been a little frustrated because from time to time I have been discouraged from going above and beyond or from wanting to do things the way I was trained to do them. I decided that I was going to do me and work as unto G-d and not complain or care what others thought. A couple of weeks ago another center called me and asked if I wanted to come over there. I gladly accepted. Better pay, better hours and I will be in the center that was originally my first pick anyway. A couple of weeks went by and I hadn’t heard anything and I begin to wonder when or how and for a moment even IF. The offer was so good that I wondered if I dreamed it. I decided to let go. After all, delay means there are some lessons in there somewhere that I needed. I knew that it would be just a matter of time before G-d moved me. Finally this week, the Area director came and talked to me and not only offered me the job at the other center but she offered me another promotion that I will be training for as well. I was really shocked because I thought that I was waiting for one thing and got something much better!!!!!!!!!

But through the process, I realized there are some lessons in this period of time that should be used in any life situation. Back in the day when preparing to move from one place I would stop giving my best, sort of saving my time and energy for the new place with people that I thought would appreciate me. In hindsight that was very immature and I missed some things back then. Like for instance, You have to continue to give a 110% as if you were in the place you are preparing for. Every act is a seed and we know that seed bear after their own kind. I want a harvest of giving my all, so I’ll continue to give it regardless of whether I get it back or not. The harvest is coming, it just may not come from the placed I’m sowing it.

Another thing with that is that G-d uses people to mature us. Part of the maturing process was to be able to look past people to reap the blessing of the place I am in. I always remind myself that the people I work with are not the company I work for, they are EMPLOYEES just like me. I work with them. Sometimes people can’t handle your “shine” and so they try to discourage you from being great. Just because they have lost their zeal for the job they do, doesn’t mean that I will allow their mess to rub off on me. I smile and keep moving. G-d uses them to work the kinks out of me. I’ve noticed by watching them, I learn what not do and even pick up some things that I can use along the way. Reminds me of Jesus and his disciples. Though he knew who the betrayer was He never called him by name because quite frankly, there was a little of Judas in all of them. I love how they all begin to wonder if it was them which lets me know we have to check ourselves every once in a while. In the midst of this, I learned that because I value me and the work I do, I could care less if the people working with me do or not. They don’t issue promotions and they don’t sign my check! If I always keep it in the perspective that at all times I am working for G-d in this place, I can handle anything and anyone.

Another thing is you have to learn to be happy, really happy wherever you are despite people, situations and obstacles. If you can be happy in place that’s far from perfect you can be happy anywhere. Most people expect to be a little unhappy or unsatisfied without the things or circumstances that they are waiting never fully understanding that’s the lesson G-d is trying to teach us during those times. In being happy with my life as it is today, in being grateful for every rough place, every day that was less than perfect, I won’t have any problem continuing to be happy when I arrive at my next destination. If you can’t be happy in the mean time you really won’t be happy later. Real happiness, I’ve discovered is in Him. It’s taking simple joy in the life that He gave, therefore understanding your value to Him and His love for you. I am happy with just Him. It’s so cool to realize that I am with my Father every single day and that He’s there to help in any situation. Besides it’s still the seed thing as well, So if I want happiness and contentment there, I have to have it here as well so that I can reap it later.

I believe that in the ability to be content i.e. able to live my life to the fullest not putting things of to a time of “when”, I am truly able to be mature of for things that I am waiting for. Are all of my days perfect, no. But I EXPECT to have great days every day. I expect things to be only good because scripture says that with G-d all things are possible. And since He’s always with me, I expect only the best. Do I still have emotional moments? Yes. I have learned to talk myself through them by reminding myself of who I am and what I am capable of. I re-shift my focus to all that is good in my life and that does it.

Finally, I have realized that just because situations can look like things that have happened to me before, it’s different this time. Something in it is different. Sometimes you can get so accustomed to the journey being the same that you miss the subtle differences along the way. The mere fact that we seem to be going down the same road again is because we missed the lesson in that situation the first time. Looking at a situation from a different angle often leads us to the thing we missed the first few trips around. What we find is our key to deliverance in this area. It’s surprising the things that you miss along the way. The being happy at all times was major for me. I wish I could describe all the ways its making a difference in my life, but I think it's intangible to anyone but me.

As always, Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2007-06-25T22:19:00.000-06:00

“Secret” Ignorance…

"Whom shall he teach knowledge? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine? them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breasts.
For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little"... Isaiah 28:10-11

I have to tell you with all the media buzz and media attention the “Secret” is really making the rounds. Though it is not new it is highly misunderstood. The whole concept is based on a biblical, spiritual law. Most Christians can’t tell where it’s found and because of that they associate it with the devil. Which is sad because contrary to popular belief, the enemy has no power and no weapon except deceit. And if you believe that the scriptures are true, it says that he has already been defeated. Most importantly he doesn’t give anything. His nature was uncovered by Jesus in John 10:10. He steals, kills and destroys. But I’m getting off here. I think the publication of the Secret is a fantastic thing. In the right hands, that book will be a powerful resource to anyone who is already grounded and rooted in a relationship with G-d and His word. A spiritual person, and by that I mean someone who has a real relationship with G-d everyday, not just Sunday, who picks their bible up on a daily basis, can see scripture all through the text of that book or others that are similar regardless of whether they are written in plain sight. However, most people who read it need a little more study because there are other spiritual laws at work. Anytime you can read a book like that you have to study the other laws to see where this law fits into place and if there are higher laws than that in affect. The biggest thing that I have noticed is people talking about that law of attraction and then in the same sentence they speak something contrary to having that law operating in their lives. Creation by words is a higher law than attraction. The word says in the beginning was the word and the word was G-d. We create by what we say, think, do and even feel. That’s the danger in a little information and not enough understanding. The word tells us that we are destroyed for the lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6). It also tells us to study (2 Timothy 2:15).

What we speak ultimately comes from what we think (Matthew 12:34). To operate in that law we must first work to diligently to change the habitual thinking that we have had over the entire succession of our lives. Proverbs 4:23 tells us to keep our hearts (minds) with all diligence because out of it flow the issues of life. That means we really have to check ourselves with our thinking. Because what we think tends to flow out of our mouths and then ultimately show up in our lives.

I found out real quick after reading the Power of Positive Thinking” how much work needed to be done in that area. I read that book over and over so that I could work on my thought “life”. I STILL read parts of it to keep me fresh. The word warns that repletion provides safety (Philippians 3:1) But mainly, when it comes to any of those self-help books that come with affirmations and all that, they are lovely BUT if you have at any point confessed Jesus as your L-rd and savior, they will not work for you like they do others who haven't. Why? Because the Word of G-d is the highest form of truth. You need to get you a scripture to speak. Regular words don’t have the same power as G-d’s word because He and His word can’t be disconnected. Therefore you are speaking Him into the situation.

Our experiences are largely affected by our thought lives and they tend to come from environment and past experiences, good or bad. Whenever I’ve said that in previous conversations, people have looked at me as if I had just cussed them as it relates to something they are going through. Part of that is because of personal responsibility. We like to blame everything and anyone but ourselves for our lives and never fully claim that we happen to be at work against ourselves a lot of the time. It’s like speaking that you are healed but in the same sentence say that you are sick. No matter what you feel speak the same thing all the time. If it’s healing, you continue to speak that regardless of what else is going on. You can not say that you are rich and then say you are broke. It works against your previous confession.

I applaud change. Change is required to inherit His promises, so I am all about working to be better every day. And Self Help books are great. I use them myself in my daily life because Proverbs 1:20 says that Wisdom crieth without; she uttereth her voice in the streets. I don’t limit where I can find the help I need. G-d uses many methods to teach us. However, it must line up with the word. And we have to study those things over and over to get the full benefits of it so that we don’t find that same wisdom working negatively in our lives because we don’t have enough understanding. The one thing I realize from reading a ton of self-help books is that most of them lack a true understanding of G-d as it relates to His nature and His set order. So they miss a few vital things here and there. I learned that the hard way years ago when I attempted to use one in my life. I had to mature in certain areas before I could pick another one up. And just listening to people I know that most people have yet to realize that yet. James said that a mature man would lack nothing (James 1:4) that's what I strive for--the peace of G-d. True peace-Shalom-Nothing missing, nothing lacking and nothing broken. Just wanted to share that.

As always, Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2007-06-20T11:09:00.000-06:00

Vision…

And then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time.
Habakkuk 2:2 The Message

I had a post tribute to my Father or Fathers day all planned and written out. But for now, I’ll leave that as my love letter to Him and I will share it on another day. Today, I want to share something that He told me this morning, because in the event that anyone else is struggling with what I have to say, I pray that this will bless you as much as it did me this morning.

As great as things have been going for me lately in my professional life, there are other areas where I am faced with making a decision and sticking with it. Actually, the decision was made quite some time ago, I just have to follow thru with it and I have been struggling with that. I was going over the reasons in a talk with G-d why I could just continue with the status quo, continuing to settle in this area as I drove to work this morning and He very nicely asked me why I value me so little that I would even consider surrendering my vision for my life. Hmph. I never really thought of it that way. I was in the mind frame that I was going to making an unselfish choice for the greater good. I said that expecting to receive His approval on that, but that didn’t happen. I continued in this conversation or quite some time and for times sake here’s the lesson.

That vision that we have of ourselves, the one that we can close our eyes at any time, imaging, that causes us feel stirred, moved and motivated, is from G-d. Lack of faithfulness to it continually causes us to surrender it and compromise for things far less than what G-d wanted for us and surely what we want for ourselves. The lack of commitment to that vision is then a lack of commitment to self. We fail to find ourselves worthy of the things that we really want so we settle for what we feel we can tolerate. Compromise then, in a nutshell, is a form of self-hate. It’s born from fear which manifests as doubt. It also speaks clearly how little we care for ourselves when we do that. I realized that if I genuinely believed the promise of that which is to come, then compromise would not even exist in my mind. Thatthought alone is making me rethink some things. Am I the only one that struggles with that? Some areas it's not even that hard. But there are a few things that require something that I have yet to devleop for me. I see it clearly for others, but not always for me.

True love desires the best and gives the best, not only to others but to ourselves as well. This why G-d gave all for us. He expects us to give all to Him but no where does He say present ourselves as a sacrifice to others. If we’ve given all to Him, there is nothing left to give to anyone else. Giving our all to Him trickles over into all other relationships as a benefit to them, but that’s the extent of it. We are no good to others if we don’t first express love to ourselves. In order to be committed to anyone or anything, we must first learn to be committed to ourselves. I find that the more committed we are to G-d first, the more able we are to carry out commitment to ourselves because part of that commitment is about being pleasing to Him. Part of that lies in going in the direction He sets no matter how hard it looks or what decisions have to be made to get there. It’s simply another level of trust that has to be developed

In the midst of that conversation, I really got that anything that he didn’t originally give to me, He expects me to relinquish at some point. What G-d gives is good, blessed, and it always requires maturity to handle and keep. Too often I find that we don’t know what He gave and what we trick ourselves into believing that HE gave. I tricked myself for years thinking that and I have had to pay for that as a result.

If I would’ve had that same conversation with anyone else, I would’ve been angry with them for even suggesting that I lacked care, concern or love for myself in any way shape or form. I also confess continually that I don’t believe in fear or failure. However, G-d knows more than my mouth speaks and sees more than I can see. One day what I speak will show up but until then, I need to eradicate any hindrances to that out of my life. I realize that the biggest thing was not simply just my failure to be committed to myself, but inability to recognize that G-d’s vision for me—what I see with my eyes closed—can’t fail if I believe Him for it. And I guess I just be willing to take that big leap.

As always,

Be Blessed.

Chosen.

2007-06-06T11:18:00.000-06:00

Untitled…
I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8

It’s amazing how busy you can get during the summer months. I have a ton of things on my schedule and it appears that there will be little time left for ME. Uh uh, that’s not going to work. I was reading the comments from my last post and I hadn’t really thought about whether people wondered why I rarely mention my kids here. I did a little in the beginning, but I decided that I needed a place that could simply be for me. A place to think clearly and speak freely. I was just coming in to the acceptance of being called to preach and I need somewhere that would help me grow as a result of the things I was facing with this new found acceptance. When you have 5 kids you rarely have a moment to yourself, especially if they are at home all day. I go to the bathroom and those who don’t go in with me have a tendency to wait at the door, literally. If I do mange to go in by myself, someone will sit there and talk to me through the door until come out. For some people that would work on them, but they love me and that feels really good.

However, in the 11 years I have been married, I have never been out with my husband alone, had a babysitter that was not related to me and even then it was to go and do things like laundry or grocery shop. I’ve gone to dinner with both of my sister-in-laws separately 2 times this year and that was a major thing or me. Now, that I work I have less time to accomplish all the things I am still responsible for and that can be quite a balancing act sometimes. So I am learning the art of selfishness. Making time for me is very important. I joined a fitness club so that I can take better care of my body and my health. I preach it all day at work and now it’s time to really give it to myself. I have to teach my kids to take good care of them and I know they are going to get that by watching me.

Now in the beginning, I summed myself up in that one word “mother.” I allowed it to define me totally and it bled into everything that I did. Books I read, music I listened to. Everything. My closet is full of clothes I thought “mothers” should wear. Clothes I now hate. Up until last year, I really didn’t get that I am just a jeans and stiletto kind of woman regardless of the fact that I have children. The closet is going thru a renovation! I had boxed myself in without realizing it. Especially, since I have been a mother as long as I have been an adult. It really didn’t give me time to even know who I was minus environment. At 33 I am just discovering things about me that I had never realized before.

Being a mother was all that I ever thought I wanted to be and I love it as much as I thought I would. Even with five I still can’t accept that I won’t have anymore.(In another “life” I could surely see at least 2 more). Looking back, I realize I really wanted to be what I felt I didn’t have within that desire to be a mom. Even that is a learning experience. Every day I learn something new. Last week I almost broke my toe while in the midst of disciplining. Folks acted as if they were ignoring me and I commenced the yelling movement. I hit my toe several times-(the same toe, can you imagine?) during that period. I took it that yelling wasn’t the way to go with that process. So I learned that lesson real fast. That toe is still sore. When I talk calm they listen better anyway.

I am constantly reminded that they are not my children anyway. They all belong to G-d and I have them on “loan”. Scripture says they are His heritage-doesn’t mention me anywhere. I am just helping Him. He wouldn’t yell so I have to take note of that. I turned 33 last week and I realize that with G-d we are all children and will always be that to Him. That's why Jesus mentioned that we have humble ourselves as little children to receive the kingdom (Matthew 18:3). He cares for us as we care or our kids when they are small--providing all, giving direction, teaching, protecting. I know I'll never know enough about me or anything to not seek Him for input and direction. No matter how I acquire things, He gave it to me. Getting what He promised me is all about realizing that I am a child even in the midst of being an adult. It's fine balance, but knowing that He has my back at all times makes it easier to relinquish my will to His.

Until next time…
Be Blessed.

Chosen.

2007-05-25T23:13:00.000-06:00

Progress…

No scripture—just one woman sharing…

This week has been an incredibly long week for me. Lots of work—which to be honest, bears no similarity to work at all. It feels so natural when I’m working with my clients. Funny thing is I bring these people home with me. Long after the day, I find myself aware of things about them that cause me to sit up in bed and write notes on them late at night. I realize that in them, I see a small piece of me in every one of them. (Especially since 99% of them are women) Helping them, helps me learn a little more about me every day.

I have had two major “aha” moments this week. One from Lady Lee’s stories this week and the other from Op.rah. In the course of reading LadyLee’s story of the week, I understood how much watching the “Days of my Mothers’ life” have programmed certain mindsets into me. I knew they has some effect on me, but in the midst of life, we bury some things and “forget” that they happened or fail to see how they dropped a little nugget into your life that you are now carrying around acting on. Consequently it’s making me take a closer look at what my own children are “viewing”. Adults tend to live their lives as if there are no witnesses but them and G-d. But children are watching. In the midst of our “moments”, behind the door or in front of them, they are picking up things. And they are not as slow as we tend to believe they are. They get what we don’t vocalize. And they “hear” what’s really going on. They hear us bad talk others, retell other peoples business, they hear our viewpoint on everything from people, G-d, politics and TV. All of that is silently “programming” them as well. They study our habits, mannerisms and they make them their own. They become “imitators”.

I think about myself, in that as bad as I wanted to not be ANYTHING like my mother, I have a lot her in me. It irks when I act like her. But G-d is faithfully illuminating areas so that I can get as much of her out of me as possible! I thank Him for that, because for the longest, I could not see it. I love her and I know she loves me in her own capacity, but she doesn’t know me. She’s never read anything that I have written as an adult, knows nothing of my life goals, dreams, or desires. She’s seen me preach once and doesn’t remember that I told her I was writing a book(s). She simply has no clue as to who I am. People who read this blog know more about me than she does. Even when I talk to her now, it’s about surface stuff, her dog, her life and her sharing pieces of other people’s lives. I feel sad for her. She’s missing out on some things. I used to think that only of my dad, who at 32, I still have yet to meet. He has an excuse, he wasn’t there, but she was. I find it incredibly sad for a parent to be in a house with a child and still fail to know them. To miss the adulthood of their children as well is just pitiful. I was thinking while reading
LadyLee’s story how much that man was missing of his child’s life while he was out running the street and what the mother was missing as well while she was fuming over the father being out and longing for him to be there. It reminded me to be present with my children at all times allowing them to be my focus instead of other things or people.

The “aha” moment from Op.rah today was that her life coach was telling a group of women, that children don’t mimic what we give them, they mimic what we give ourselves. Her example was if they see you loving them but not yourself, they don’t learn how to love themselves either. Sheesh! I definitely have a hard time caring for me. I rarely reward myself and feel weird when people give me any type of praise or comments. I’m a long ways away from a big head! I celebrate, encourage and minister to others, but rarely have time for me. That’s why as much as I Love my 5 children, I don’t mention them here often. This is MY little peace of space for me. (If you ever wondered about that, now you know) This year I am discovering a lot about me, some things I like, but a lot of things I need to work on. The more I learn, the more that can be fixed, the more progress I can make forward. I love how G-d uses the most unlikely things to bring clarity and change. He never stops amazing me!

As always, be blessed.
Chosen.

2007-05-20T14:26:00.000-06:00

Trust-Revisited.

But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. Psalm 5:11

Last year I talked about my inexperience in the area of trust. The trust that I have lacked for people as well as the lack of trust I have for G-d in specific areas. I understood then that real trust is gained over a period of time by the experiences that we share and what we learn through those experiences. Trust with G-d is gained the same way. Many of us think that we should trust automatically until something is shown to us to pull our trust back. That’s actually quite backwards with anything or anyone except G-d. The scripture says that His thoughts and plans toward us are good.(Jeremiah 29:11) That may not always be the case with others. People can have the best intentions but still fall short. I have learned to not even trust myself in that way because based on my own experiences in making decisions, my record is simply not clean enough to even try to do things minus the sanction of G-d. Not everyone thinks that way, but to each his own. Proverbs 16:25 talks about a way that seems right but the end thereof being death. Death implies a separation from that which you really want. I have experienced “death” in too many areas to leave it up to me now.

I have spent a lot of time the last couple of days thinking about how G-d teaches us to trust Him in the little things. A couple of weeks back I was reading and the author mentioned another book and I decided to look that book up on Am.a.zon and found out that the book was at least $70-100 for one copy. I thought to myself “what is in this book?” The price didn’t deter me from wanting it; I just figured that I would have to get it another way. I wrote it on my book list of the ones I want and forgot about it. When it comes to books, I love them, but I hate to pay full price for them. The less money I spend, the more books I can buy. That became my motto as a child and it has kind of stuck with me.

I decided that later on that week on Friday I would go to the Sal.va.tion Army to look and see what was new. I took my daughter with me because she loves books the same way I do and since it was “bag of books day” we proceeded to load up. When we were both finished, I got ready to leave but for some reason I turned and started looking over the first aisle that I had already looked over and I spotted the book. I didn’t pull it out immediately because the title sounded familiar but I kept thinking that wasn’t the one. Finally I pulled it out—a perfectly good copy of the book that I had wrote down several days before. I can not tell you how excited I was and initially I must have carried that book around in my purse in awe of the fact that I actually owned a book with that cost that much. I told everyone I could think of. Testimony empowers others to believe in the promises of G-d too.

I learned 3 things in that experience that enable me to take my trust for G-d to another level. 1. He really wants to have everything that I want no matter how minor it seems. From the pair of shoes to largest check I can think of. S23 has these shoes from Ni.Ne West on her blog in the comments section that I have become quite fond of. I decided last week I have got to have those shoes! (In every color too). Sometimes I hold my foot out imagining those shoes on my feet. I imagine them paired with different outfits too. They always look good, of course :)

The second thing that He taught me with this book is that all things in G-d’s timing. That’s a lesson we often have to learn over and over simply because we don’t like to wait. Now I could rush and buy them on my own accord, but getting stuff minus my funds is so much better. And I know that G-d has not told me to. So I can wait. I haven’t always been this patient, but I’ve had to learn the hard way about random spending without direction. Nothing worse than getting something that you have “scrimp” and move funds around to pay. G-d’s way adds no sorrow. When He gives us something, finances are the first thing that He increases and works on so that we don’t “sorrow” over the monthly payment or the maintenance of it. There is nothing like getting a new car or house or even a spouse that we can’t afford to have. Can’t half enjoy any of it for the struggle involved in the midst of it.

3. And most importantly, I don’t need money to do anything, I only need G-d. Money is simply a form of exchange that allows us to acquire the things that we want. G-d is greater than any amount of money can ever be. Now finances are a tough thing to trust G-d in. I think it’s because we are trained that money is a requirement to exist. We are visual and we know that when the light bill is due, telling them that to call G-d He’s paying it this month doesn’t work with the folk at the light company. It would be great if it did, but we need to have that word from G-d prior to bill time. He promises to meet our every need, but we need to be established in that thinking before we actually believe it and that’s why we fail to get things met from time to time, because we don’t really believe it. Confessing it doesn’t mean you believe it. We have to learn how to trust Him on that level first in the little things before we can conquer the large things like finances. With finances, we truly go from faith the faith because each new level of trust in that area is done step by step. When He does the little things, that small thing is a testimony to His desire to do all things. The more we dwell on those things understanding that “if He did that He can do this”, will move us from one level to the next over a period of time. Always know that anything you face is minor in the face of G-d. Our victories are already done because G-d creates the way of escape before we are faced with the problem.

As always, Be Blessed. Chosen.

Part 2 of “Following The First Mind” is posted here on my other blog.

2007-05-11T21:27:00.000-06:00

Following your first “Mind”…Part one.

“and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me;”
Rev 4:1

I promised that I would share the circumstances of my cousin’s death and in keeping with that here goes.

Since his death is still under investigation, I won’t release any major details but it can be summed up into one sentence: He missed the voice of G-d. You see, G-d had given him a warning about some people he had met when he first moved to VA. No one knows where he had met them—could’ve been a concert, church, one of the organizations he was involved with. The how or the where is null and void at this point. But he did tell his mother that he wouldn’t be hanging around them anymore because there was something off and shady about them. That knowledge was his warning from G-d. He died while with those people and they left him. They didn’t take him to the hospital or see to his immediate care. They left him. I think that’s one of the things that hurts most is the indifference to his life. But I know that G-d will reveal all and give us all peace on that. I don’t wish them harm or hurt, they too are somebody’s children and we all make mistakes. Sometimes they cost others their lives or even our own. There is a lesson from it all.

In the midst of conversations after the fact, we realized that he missed his warning. He reasoned it away because they shared a common interest and he didn’t think that it would be a big deal to go this one last time. I often wonder if he knew after he got in the car with them or if he realized at some point too late in the night, or in hindsight he realized that G-d had indeed spoken to him. Either way, now it’s just a detail because he didn’t have an opportunity to correct it.

Now for me personally, I can’t count the times I have missed it. Funny thing is that we always tend to realize that G-d had given us directions after we have missed Him. Shoot, I’m in some stuff right now that is a backlash to missing the voice of G-d! Back then, it was unfamiliar to me and so as a back up he even sent people to tell me so I really had no excuse. But I thought those people were some haters and they just wanted to see me unhappy. I reasoned that they needed to mind their own business and they were jealous and especially because some of these folks didn’t even know me that well! They didn’t know what was going on in my life day to day and all the good things I was experiencing. I ignored them. And the voice, well I thought that was fear. (Yeah, I was that deluded). And umm..real haters seek your literal death--that's what the story of Saul and David or the Philistines and the Israelites show us. Folk that are just talking are just envious--They don't know all that we go through to get what we have. They think the sun was always shining on us. They don't know about the tears and the struggles and the times we thought we couldn't take another day. Instead of talking about them,I have learned to pray for them. You can't want what another has without going through some pain. I also pray for myself because at some point I sowed that seed against someone else and they are just carrying out my harvest. They weren't haters, they were my sign. But I digress.

About a year and a half later I wondered about all of those people’s warnings and the “voice” itself. But I continued to shake it off—3 years into it, I KNEW that I had missed it. But it was too late and pride wouldn’t let me walk away. I was determined to stick it out. Ask me today and I could almost tell you the day and time the voice spoke. In hindsight the voice was that clear now. Sadly most people would weep if I told them the FULL story. I tried last year to share the full story but found that it was not only too embarrassing but also too painful to recount all the mess I had allowed myself to partake of as a result of missing that voice.One day I will fill-in the blanks to whole thing when I'm on the other side of it.

I missed it again more recently but I am so grateful that G-d is merciful and is allowing me the grace to fix myself and to get back to the place I belong. That’s where I implemented the Isaiah 7:11 plan. I ask Him for a sign. G-d always follows His word with a sign. No matter what, I ask for a sign. Never fails. I can’t count the number of times I wished I could do a “do over” so I could extricate myself from things after ward. I thank G-d for His deliverance in the right time and in the right season but I can skip all of that if I get it the first time . I thank Him because I do have the opportunity to get out and start all over again. So often, like my cousin, some don’t. I remember viewing a girl on O.prah that had been burned by her husband and she said in hindsight she knew G-d had told her to go, but she did not. She too missed her sign. Escaping with her life and a constant reminder of that every day of her life. There was a pastor some years ago here in Denver that died in a plane crash whose wife said he told her he felt like he should have canceled his trip, but he did not want to disappoint the people who he was going to meet with. He too missed his sign.

If there is one thing that I want to teach in ministry, it is how important recognizing and following the voice of G-d the first time. I tell my children that being obedient in the things I say, will teach them to be obedient in hearing the voice of G-d later. Some times I will only get the chance to tell them something one time and I want them to be obedient so that they never question it. What the enemy does is give us a rebellious spirit in the seemingly minor things so that he can’t get us to also rebel against something that G-d would say. Ignoring what seems to be minor rules here and there can set us up for that. We get to doing things our way and we ignore the set order established. Rebellion is a seed and we reap in other areas of our lives and wonder why it happens. If we rebel it often shows up in our children. They tend to be our barometer. Those harvests take no time to show up either. To be continued...

2007-05-04T22:54:00.000-06:00

Happy! And other randomly directed thoughts…

“But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God. Acts 20:24

I have been in my new position for almost 3 weeks now. To borrow a phrase from Lady Lee, I have been “skipping along like a Smurf” every single day!!! Words simply can not express how much I love this job. It’s just keeps getting better and better! The company I work for is phenomenal! I love the people and I love what I do. I spent this entire week traveling out of town everyday just go through training. I had the best time and I have met some great people. The trainer actually told me this morning that I could go as far as I wanted to with this company—I was like whoa…(I’m still getting used to comments like that). I was speechless and in awe. It felt so good! Now, a year or so back, the travel time and getting home late might have been an irritation to me, it was simply where I was back then. I even I got lost from the map route given to me on Tuesday and I arrived home at 9:30 at night after leaving at 4:46 p.m.! But even then, I was still smiling and enjoying myself. I immediately thought that I was still able to see some more of Colorado that I had been planning to get to for a while now. And it was beautiful!

I am HAPPY. Not because of the job, people, money-none of that. I have finally gotten an understanding of just being satisfied with Him. Nothing tangible or external is the cause.**For those of you who knew in depth of the other issues back then before I got here, umm….yeah those issues are still there too** I am not even focused on anything negative. I believe that all of that will wash right out of my life in the right season. Whatever is not from Him has to go this year; it’s just a matter of time! Quite frankly, none of those things can move me. It requires more energy to focus on negative things than it does to simply stay focused on where I WANT to before 08’. Where I will be, before 08’. I still have my motivation-I do not believe in defeat! It’s simply impossible to fail with G-d!

Now, I was reading the comments from the last post and I was so tickled to see a question on “good and perfect” will. Anyone that’s been visiting over here for the last year knows that’s a post that could be never ending for me. Questions like that open up the “dam” so to speak.

Briefly though—the word “good” in the original language of the text means that nothing could be added to it, Like when He was framing the world with His words and he said after each day that it was good. After creating us—day 6 he said it was very good. Honestly, what could man add to anything that G-d has made to make it better? It’s so funny to me when I hear talk of scientists trying to create a better smarter baby/human—that’s so funny to me. It’s not necessary to create something that already exists in the highest possible form. To doubt that genius is in all of us whether it’s dormant or in full use is hilarious to me. If it wasn’t already there then the bible would be lying when it said that G-d is no respect of persons. Some having it and not all would be making a difference. It’s also like saying that man can create something that G-d couldn’t. We were created in His image and likeness—how could genius not be in all of us-duh! (I know that seems irrelevant, but I was sidetracked in that that thought).

Romans 12:2 is actually referring to 3 different levels of His will. Why do I say that—well Jesus said that none was GOOD but the Father-and in Genesis G-d Himself said that it was not GOOD that man should be alone and immediately after saying that, Eve was brought to Adam. So if “good” to G-d means that noting can be added to it, then Hmmm…that pretty much sums up the standard to what being in His good will is all about. Perfect will is about maturity. Why? Because we are told that we will be perfecting until the day of Christ and we are also told in James to let patience have its perfect work so that we may not lack anything. If His blessings add no sorrow with it, then just from comparing certain things in our life to that standard would clear away some clutter.

I happen to know that I am in some things that G-d has allowed or is rather perfect(ing) simply because I am rebuilding some confidence and develop some faith in some areas where I obviously still lack it. But, there will come a day when, I will trust completely in those areas and then I can take that giant leap closer to His acceptable will.

I could elaborate further, but for times sake I’ll have to do that at length on a different day if that doesn’t a least shed a glimmer of light on the question. And of course, as I always say, study it for yourself, take it to G-d and get your own word on it. I was again thinking about resurrecting the other blog or creating a new one. I’m still thinking it over.

I just wanted to answer the question and share the vents of my week with you.

Be Blessed.

Chosen.

2007-04-26T15:56:00.000-06:00

Expect G-d's best and get It!

In the midst of last week’s events, I have come to grips with some things in my life and to assess once again, were I am in the great scheme of things. I think one of the elements of maturity is learning to constantly check yourself so that whatever is not working can be either fixed or eliminated altogether. Some times that can be a very hard things as honesty with self forces us to make decisions we are not always prepared to make. I reached such a place this week.

Now, I mentioned here a week or so back that I was looking for a job and I had tons of offers. While quite a few of them were okay, I decided that I wanted on particular job and I began to confess that it was mine and I could literally see myself doing it. For me I could see the opportunity to be able to minister to people where I was, and that above all was important to me. They hired me Friday and I started Monday. Somewhere in the details, my job title and description was changed. It was definitely not what I wanted. I commenced to work that Monday and I decided that if it was not going to be what I wanted then I refused to settle. What I am looking for has to fit my life and that of my family. I let the director know and I went home after my shift. All the while I continued to believe that what I had been confessing would come to pass. I had this conversation going with G-d about if it wasn’t His, best then I would make room for His best to come along. By Tuesday, not only did I have the position that I wanted, I have already been promoted above that. My current position will be worked for 3 weeks in preparation for a staff director position that I will be filling after the 3 weeks. I have training all next week and then I will be going to the center that I was assigned to. I believed that G-d would not want me to take less than what I was asking for and he worked out the details exceeding even what I was asking for! I just thank G-d for His goodness towards me. He knew what I wanted and needed and He gave it to me.

I have settled for less than I wanted too many times and at 32, I just don’t feel like it anymore. Settling is an old habit that must die. Why should I settle? Am I not G-d’s daughter? Has he not promised me His best? Then what is all the compromise for? My time has become incredibly valuable to me now. Not that I fear dying early or whatever. No, I’ll hang around here for at least 80 years—I’m holding out for the 120 mark. I take the promise in the bible very seriously. And because I have sown into my mind, I believe that I will and therefore I know I will. I’m sure people who don’t understand that we experience that which we believe will disagree, but it won’t change my manifestation not one little bit. We have to be taught to be able to believe and since I have been taught that over and over, I don’t doubt it. I’m teaching my kids as well. I want them to know now that every promise is available to them now. The scripture says “train a child in the way that he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6. Some things need to be established early, this is one of them.

But back to settling, most of us settle when we no longer believe that what we want is actually available to us. Or we listen to negative people who tell us what we are asking for is too much. What we have to realize is that what may be too much for them, is just right for someone who is willing to ask, believe, wait and prepare for that which seems like a lot. The children of Israel would’ve settled in the wilderness if G-d had not given them someone to press them towards the promised land. We all need someone like that in our lives. I make it business to convey to people that what they are seeking is never too hard for G-d. What seems impossible only looks that way when we take G-d out of the equation. For the children of Israel, what should have been an 11 days journey turned into 40 years and in that time they were dragging their children through all of that. Psalm 95:10 says that they "erred in their heart and grieved" G-d. I believe His grief came from their lack of trust and belief in Him. Likewise I realize that every time I accepted less than His best that too grieved Him. Why? Because trusting Him is as at the core believing in Him. Faith is established belief that what G-d has said he will and can do. Now if it says then that it’s impossible to please Him without faith (Hebrews 11:6), then not believing Him displeases Him.

I read an article a while back about all these older black women who were still waiting on husbands and wondered why it hadn’t happened yet. I think if they looked closely they would see clearly why. Bad experiences cause us to fear and doubt. Not only that, I hear women say things like “all the goods ones are married”, “all our men are in jail or homosexual”. The word talks about our words being stout against G-d (Malachi 3:13). We release G-ds ability in our lives in our words our thoughts and even our actions. G-d always wants to give us what we are asking for. The scripture says that all the promise of G-d are always Yes and amen (or so be it) (2 Corinthians 1:20). It tends to take a while when we don’t make the connection between us and our words and thoughts.

The lessons that I have grasped from my cousins life are immeasurable. I felt so honored to have just known him. What I got out of his cousin’s life the most was that he believed that all things were possible with G-d. He believed that G-d wanted the best in every area for him. In short, I believe that he decided a long time ago the he wanted everything that G-d wanted for him. He wanted to be who G-d wanted him to be. He was a blessing to all that knew him and he was the kind of child that every parent hopes to have and the type of friend that most of us strive to be. In all of that he always gave G-d the glory for it all. (One day I’ll blog about what happened to him because there’s a lesson in it, but not yet).

I know this was a long post, but I just wanted to share some things today and there was no way for me to cut it down. In short And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.I just want to say, Expect G-d to always give you His best and He will.

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matthew 21:22

Be Blessed. Chosen.

2007-04-18T14:48:00.000-06:00

When “Bad” things happen…

We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. 2 Corin 5:8

On Sunday morning one our family members lost their only child, a young man lost his life. For 3 days I have been trying to figure out what to put on paper. I don’t know that words can capture grief fully. It’s indescribable the pain that one feels when you lose someone. You remember who they were, the way they laughed or smiled or made jokes all the time. Reconciling that you will only have the memory of them now won’t seem to register.

I have been wondering what they must be going through to lose a child. A child that they had to stand on the word to have in the first place. When everyone else was having children easily and in abundance, this couple was struggling to have even one child. But their prayers were finally answered and 27 years ago they finally had the child they had been waiting for. And now, too soon he is gone. What started out as a prayer request for healing and delivery ended in loss. I am just stunned because it never occurred to me that he wouldn’t make a full recovery after an accident.

I wondered what his last moments of life were like, what he thought of. Not in a morbid kind of way, but I wondered if he had been happy or satisfied with the way that his life was going. He was enjoying success in his chosen career path, had just purchased a new home and was dating someone new. You wonder about those kinds of things. Especially if you hadn’t had a conversation with them since you last saw them 6 months ago. I wasn’t incredibly close to him but he was someone's child and as a mother, it tugs on you because I remember what it felt like when any of my children got their first set of shots or when they fell from running and had scraped knees. Their pain was my pain. Physical or emotional, it made no difference. I felt it. So I have been continually praying for his parents. I simply can’t imagine, nor am I trying to.

One thing that this has impressed upon me is that life is incredibly precious and short. Even if you live 70-120 years its still too short to waste time, procrastinate about living the life that you want, or even keep waiting for things to change that you have been waiting on for too long! Most of the time we are waiting on every perfect condition to come to pass instead of living in the moment for this day and not days to come. It’s waste of time. I have decided to be present, enjoy every moment, and thank G-d continually for the blessings that every day is.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2007-04-11T11:15:00.000-06:00

Thought Watching…

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:
Proverbs 23:7

Part of getting my act together this year has me really taking control of the thoughts and even the words that I speak. I have read Proverbs 23:7 more than my fair share of times and still really didn’t get what the scripture was trying to teach me. I agreed with what it said, but had yet to put into practice what it meant. Consequently, I have spent a great deal of time experiencing defeat when I should’ve been experiencing victory.

For instance, off and on throughout the years since I first came home to take care of my kids on a full time basis, I would attempt to look for a job. I simply wanted something part-time that would allow me to do a few things for me or that would increase my homeschooling budget with the money that I earned. I have been home for 7 years and not once have I actually had a job. Why? It’s not that I was never qualified or even that I marketed myself in the right manner. However employers would simply look over me. I realized what it was recently in the midst of all of my “clearing the clutter away”. I thought they wouldn’t hire me. One rejection led me to believe that my time out of the workforce would keep me from me getting a job that I wanted.

Once again, here, I decided to the do the same thing so that I would have a second stream of income to pour into the business that I am trying to build. In one day I have had more than 8 job offers. I went on a couple of job interviews and was offered both of those jobs as well. The difference—I simply refused to believe that anyone wouldn’t hire me. I told you a couple of weeks ago that I was reading “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale. It’s a fantastic book! One of his chapters is called “I don’t believe in defeat”. I adapted that as my motto. If victorious living was what Jesus came to give, then that’s what I want. Anything short of that is unacceptable to me. When I said this was going to be my year, I meant it this time!

Now, I allowed G-d to change my thinking on some things this year. Simply said, last year I must have passed over that book a hundred times in the library. I would not read it because of what some other preachers—not mine—had to say about the author. They acted as if he was preaching something contrary to the scriptures. I ordered the book on what I figured to be a whim (as if there is such a thing). And I have been blessed by it. So much so, that I decided to read almost all of his books. The bible says that repetition provides safety (Philippians 3:1) I realized after waiting to read it so long that I was not being teachable. I shouldn’t have assumed that what the book could teach me could be found in the bible and that was where I should get it from. The fact is, all of it was there and I still hadn’t made the connection enough to change anything! Funny thing is, when I was just visiting my home church, what’s written in the book was preached in the second message I had heard there. I commenced to listening to the tape, but allowed someone else to sway me from concentrating on it. I should have followed my first thought to listen to it until I needed to buy a new one!

Scripture says that we have to renew our minds (Ephesians 4:23). What we believe is what we think and ultimately what we say. We are creators with the thoughts that we think, and the words we speak and even those things that we agree with out of other people’s mouths. Whatever we are truly convinced of has to at some point show up in our lives. It’s spiritual law. That’s why it is so important to be careful of who we pay attention to because they shape our beliefs. Nothing happens to us without belief.

As far as our words go, I’ve learned to be careful of them because they too create events in my life as well as those around me. My mother-in-law had a stroke some years ago after all of her sisters and aunts kept telling her that if she didn’t slow down all the working that she was doing she would have one. She can recall now believing what they said and she had a stroke that she is still recovering from. Ever hear people on the news being interviewed after something negative and they say they always feared or thought something like that happening? They thought about that event over and over—meditation-until it finally showed up in there lives. Parents do it all the time. Instead of telling our kids to simply stay out of the street, we tell them that if they don’t they will get hit by a car. That doesn't have to happen. Just tell them you're going to whip their butt! We say that because we were told that and we now believe that. I could go on and on—this subject is inexhaustible for me because I look back over my life and see my error in this area. I said a lot of dumb stuff and thought a lot of dumb stuff and it showed up. I thought I was all prophetic about it when I was simply creating those events! And there is no comedy in the spiritual realm. So saying things like my head is killing me or those kids are driving me crazy—if you really believed that you would be dead or crazy. You can’t say things like that. I admonish you—watch your thoughts and your words. About you and others. Start using them to create what you really want to see, positively and not what you don’t.

Be Blessed. Chosen.

2007-04-07T23:46:00.000-06:00

Be Blessed!

I love the season of Passover and Resurrection. It’s the most beautiful time of the year to me. It reminds me that not only can G-d allow some things to pass over my life, but those things that need revival, he can certainly resurrect them as well. Now, I was having a conversation with one of my Sisters-In-Law yesterday and she reminded me of some error that needs to be eradicated from the church, especially during this time of the year. I asked her how one of her friends was doing and she said she hadn’t spoken to her since she had called her and given her a word she had received in church. I asked her what she said, and she mentioned that she had heard that we can not be blessed when we are out of the will of G-d. Hmmm…

Sounds like something I would have said a year ago. (I tell her all the time she reminds me so much of myself) So imagine her reaction when I told her that was a lie. Yeah, you heard me. That is a lie. The scripture says that G-d rains on the just and the unjust—I’m paraphrasing but the scripture is Matthew 5:45. For some reason, Christians want to believe that we are in some kind of exclusive club and only we should be or can be blessed. If that were the case, which ones of us could actually qualify? I know I certainly couldn’t. Not only that but when we see someone in a noticeable, more public sin like shacking or drinking we automatically decide that they will be judged and G-d is going get them somehow. It’s almost like we are looking forward to their downfall. Where does that come from cause’ it’s certainly not G-d. If it were, which one of us would still remain? There is a lack of understanding of GRACE in the church.

Do we fail to remember that G-d brought us all out of something? Your something may not have been what I was in but it still should have disqualified me from being saved and even more so from being used by Him. When I reminded her that some of those same people Christians want to turn their nose up to are living a far better existence than those of us who claim to be holy. I know that some of us don’t like to hear that, but it’s true nevertheless. I can’t tell you how I fell into that mindset at one time. Maybe because I was tired of being mocked when I was going through and I knew that I was walking the best way before G-d that I knew how while others seemed to be getting ahead minus all I was having to do. Maybe something in me wanted to believe that I had an edge over those who did not walk the way I was walking. Maybe I just feared that it was somehow unfair and that maybe He would somehow leave me out. It’s not that I didn’t want others to be blessed; I just didn’t want to be left out.

But, one day I was reminded of Luke 6:37Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven…I have learned to mind my own business. It’s hard enough for me to keep watch over my own life let alone be worried about someone else’s. G-d sends the Holy Ghost to deal with me and anyone else who is working through things that he desires to work out of us. And he assigns to us all a Pastor to teach us the way to walk. (Jeremiah 3:15) But even that is all in His time. What the rest of us need to do is continue to pray for one another understanding that G-d still loves us regardless of what state we are in. We need to also remember that we will all be working on something all of our lives and our walk. Still He loves us. So much that he was willing to put Himself on the cross for our deliverance knowing what was in us and that even then some of us would still ignore His gift.

In this season I am reminded that He covers me no matter what state I am. He’s not finished with any of us yet. This is a time of unselfish prayer for one another and a time to edify one another. To pray that we are all blessed because it’s not up to us anyhow. And there is certainly enough to go around! Learning to love like G-d is to learn to love one another despite our short comings and even in the midst of disagreement. Always remember, whatever you are hoping for someone else will surely happen to you as well. Good or bad. Might as well hope the best so that you too can receive the best. That one thing is holding a lot of us from advancing. I know it was stunting my growth, but I thank G-d for his patience and His love towards me to illuminate my error. I am so glad that G-d is not like man. He looks past me now, and holds a vision of me later always working with me to press towards that mark. I didn't relay this story to bash my SIL--I love her. And believe me, that love has come along way. I told it because I was her just a few months back.(Some of y'all remember :) I admonished her to call and check on her friend or to simply pray that all will be well in her life.

On this day, I pray for you…
The LORD bless thee, and keep thee:
The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:
The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.
Be Blessed!
Chosen.

2007-04-03T10:29:00.000-06:00

Just a note…

If you read Sundays post, at the end I recommended a book that I recently read. (I have deleted that paragraph from the post) What I failed to mention is that I would not recommend it for everyone. The reason why I say that is because depending on where you are spiritually you will either reject what is written in there as error due to lack of understanding or you will get caught up and go in a whole other direction and that is not my intent at all. So I apologize for even mentioning it.

So, again while I recommended the book as a good read, you need to honestly judge where you are spiritually before considering reading it. If you don’t yet understand that there is a natural view of scripture as well as a spiritual which is usually symbolic—stay away from it. I had a similar thing occur to me some years ago when I was first saved and was all off in my thinking and got lost for a minute.

Can you believe I sat in a church that taught that women were missionaries and not preachers or prophets? Well I did, for quite some time. I got caught up in how beautiful the service was with the orchestra, and how wonderfully the choir sang and even the eloquence of the speaker. G-d never sent me over there, it was a big church and it was the popular thing to say that I attend so-and-so. Needless to say, I didn’t stay long because G-d has a way of moving us when we fail to allow him to teach us and not go by what man has passed down in his tradition. Either the man simply couldn’t validate women preachers from the word or he didn’t want to. Too many people can’t so to me it’s not a serious offense to have others think that I too am deceived somehow. It tells me that they like the Pharisees knew the word, but not the one who gave the word. G-d will teach us many things if we are meek and able to set aside what we have previously been taught by man to seek him to teach us first. Taking classes on the bible do us no good if we believe what man teaches and fail to get an understanding for ourselves.

But that’s for another day….

I hope this cleared up any issues that the book recommendation may or may not have caused.

For further questions feel free to email me.

Be Blessed!
Chosen.

2007-04-01T23:19:00.000-06:00

Unspoken Messages…

I am really learning to appreciate being me. That’s a big thing for me. I tend to be really hard on myself, but I am relaxing. I am not striving for perfection, for everyone to like me or to be understood by everyone. I am just me. And it's wonderful. Someone once said that when they read my blog it didn't seem real or personable. Too much bible, etc, etc. What I got was that I didn't spill enough of my business. You know juicy stuff. I figure they just need to stop reading cause' they don't get me anyway. I'm not going to change. I like me. I relate everything to the word because I realize here is an element of me in every story in there. If I was to pick a chapter that I was living right now, It would definitely be EXODUS. Right dab in chapter 3. But I digress...

Now, after making the decision to really do what it’s going to take to accomplish my goals this year, Number one on the list was to get physically fit. I lost some weight when I got here, but I failed to neither maintain it nor even tone it all up. I want the full package-fit, toned, and physically fit. I never considered myself overweight, just not in shape like I once was. Now, with old mindset, I would’ve said that I got too busy taking care of everyone else to take care of me. That’s not it to me though; somewhere along the line I stopped loving me.

I have to accept responsibility for the fact that I put others before me in the grand scheme of things. G-d had to tell me one day that you can tell how much a person loves them self by the care in which they are willing to take of themselves. Hmmm—that hurt-but it was true. So, since getting that little tidbit, I have been faithfully working out to get me in the best shape I can possibly be. The plus side is that I am no longer sending that unspoken message to my children that it’s okay to forget about you. I never said that, but failing to make the healthiest eating choices and by not exercising, that’s essentially what I have been saying silently.

I was once concerned about us not going to church in this season was going to have some kind of negative affect on them. I explained to them when we arived that G-d has given to every man a place, and ours was not here. I wondered if they understood that. They do. I’ve noticed that they know when my broadcast is on and they respect those times during the week. I hadn’t realized how much they noticed things like that I continue to pray everyday and I still read my bible. But I’ve noticed that the boys have theirs in the bed next to them when I go to check on them at night before I go to sleep. They are reading theirs at night too. Though I never said it, they are learning that relationship with G-d is personal and not related to the church at all. That has given me great peace about them. If they get that now, they’ll never be caught up in the church game of obligation later on.

In retrospect I get that my actions as a parent will speak louder and clearer than what I say out of my mouth and those will be the lessons that they remember. Words come a dime a dozen. I remember the first time I realized that my parents were being what is considered to be hypocritical. Telling me not to do things that they themselves were clearly doing. It angered me to the point where I no longer believed anything that they said. Parental trust is the one thing a child should be able to count on. I am always aware that in whatever I do, I am always teaching them something. Spoken or unspoken. I may not always get it right the first time, but I will continue to try until I do.

There are a couple of other things in my life that need major renovations so that the wrong message is not conveyed. This is why I must learn to transfer all areas of trust back to G-d so that I can do whatever I need to do at all time.

The great thing about G-d is that he gave us this power to change and to create. If I don’t like who I am or the direction that I am going, I can simply start over and create a new experience. That power is limitless. And it knows no preference—so I can create good or bad things. I choose to create what I want to see and nothing less than what I actually want. I told you, in this season I am working first on my thinking. There is no need to change my behavior without renovation there first. Until next time...

Be Blessed.

Chosen.

2007-03-21T23:14:00.000-06:00

Harvest…

“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap”. Galatians 6:7

I am finally finding my way around Colorado. Not too much but enough to know how to get downtown or to other cities close by. I love the weather despite it wreaking havoc on what seemed to be a dormant sinus issue I was healed from years ago. Now I know what LadyLee was talking about when she said her nose bled when she was here. I finally got a little taste of that. Prayer and 84 antibiotic pills worked it out finally after a 6 week battle. The final diagnosis—environmental allergies. Hmm…I’ll save that subject for another day.

I am really enjoying myself here. When I first got here, I visited several different churches. Just making the rounds you know. Being nice—everybody wants to show off their pastors or believe their church was where I needed to be. I already knew that I had not been reassigned but I figured maybe I would ask G-d one more time. I prayed on it and the answer remained the same. I’m still under my own SF. I watch services via webcast 3 days a week and I happen to be very satisfied.

Of course, not going to church clearly means to all the regular goers that I am in a back-slidden position. Yes, this little minister-in-training has surely left G-d and is clearly listening to a demon in my prayer closet because I have forsaken the assembling of myself with other “saints”. And of course my children will surely be headed down the wrong path now. NOT! I still pray, continue to fast and read my bible everyday. I guess that’s not enough. Now to me opinions are like butts—everybody has one. I have learned that you don’t have to worry about what people say unless you agree with them. I find it quite cute—the concern over my salvation and all that.

I mentioned it because I too have been caught up in activity of going to church. I thought when I got here I would surely fall to the wayside and end up back in some mess that I had already been delivered from. But, I came to the understanding that church was never responsible for keeping me “saved”. It was G-d all the time. The one thing that I really lacked was the confidence in my ability to trust the things that I was learning in my devotional time. I have outgrown that now. A couple of months alone can do that. When I hear a confirmation—it’s nice, but I no longer need it nor seek it.

And of course I need to look at all these MLM businesses that everyone seems to be doing. I think it’s fantastic that they are excited about their businesses. I happen to think that what G-d has given to me is absolutely wonderful and I don’t happen to believe that I need theirs. I thank them for the consideration, but things work according to our faith. Anything we get involved in must excite us and get our creative juices flowing. We must also believe in what we are doing. I tried explaining this but it seemed to go over some heads. The conversation ended with silence. How easily some Christians forget Proverbs 3:6 In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths…Oh well. I’m not moving until I see a confirmation. A clear one--like Gabriel, Michael and Moses doing river dance or something. For real!

It simply amazes me on how much work I seem to need to some people. I find it incredibly funny. I know I am reaping a harvest. And it’s still funny to me. In my time evaluating me I had to accept that I have done this too often. The best and biggest lesson I have learned since being here is what I am willing to do doesn’t work for some people. I no longer argue the word—I get that academic knowledge is where some people stopped at so may not see what I see. Their pastors went to seminary and all that good stuff and I haven’t. Surely I couldn’t know anything. I guess have read 1 John 2:27 wrong or something. And G-d has never told me to go seminary so I’m not packing any bags to go either. Church is wonderful. But I always say after you come from service you need to find out what part of the message G-d meant for you. Everyone doesn’t think that. Well, since this harvest has manifested so easily—surely the other ones I’m looking for are just around the corner as well.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2007-03-19T23:10:00.000-06:00

Clarity

...If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. Mark 9:23

Funny how a scripture can be so simple and you can still really miss what it's saying.

Yeah…I know. I have been one for a very long time. All I can say is BUSY. At the beginning of the year I had hoped for more time to commit to writing here, but it simply never happened. Every time I thought about writing here, I would begin a post only to get wrapped into something else. Needless to say I have a ton of unfinished posts that I have decided to simply delete from my hard drive.

This year was all about change for me. I have been declaring the “Best Year Ever” for a number of years now but always falling short of the goal. This year is one that I simply refuse to let go by without achieving the things that I have set for myself. It’s so weird when you began to evaluate who you are the things that you discover. I discovered that I needed a total metamorphosis in my mind! I was so unaware of the layers of junk and erroneous thinking that had become a part of who I was. I realized that so much of it came either from childhood or the negative experiences that I had encountered as I grew into adulthood that I have allowed to shape my view. All wrong! I have to tell you that my thinking sucked! I always tried to stay positive but I really still always felt that I wasn’t in control of the circumstances that came my way. Through quite a bit of word time I discovered how erroneous that really was. Part of understanding dominion is understanding that G-d wants us to operate as if we are the determining factor in any situation that we face. I understood that only enough to fail at it for a really long time. I would always say that I was trusting G-d but I would never spend time thinking of how I wanted things to turn out. Whenever things would turn out my way I would be astonished. G-d has been incredibly good to me because I was so immature in this area. If I reaaly beleived like I said I did, things would've always turned out exactly like I said and how I thought.

As a parent this is one of the lessons that I am really going to strive to teach my children. They have to have an understanding of spiritual law. What you think all the time will come to pass. Without realizing it, it’s a form of meditation. Imagination is a really powerful thing. I want my children to live by what I reach them and the example that I set before them.

Needless to say, my book shelf has increased with some of the best books on the subject. Norman Vincent Peale’s “The Power of Positive Thinking” is my favorite. I love how he mixes the word with psychology. It’s made a tremendous difference in my life. I’ve also had to reevaluate my company too. So much of our issues stem from those around us as well. This is why some of these ineffective relationships must die this year! One thing that positive thinking does is bring clarity to your life. I know what I want, how I want it and I am never more determined now to see it in my life than ever before.

Besides working on my goals this year—finally publishing a book, achieving financial independence, getting fit…I finally understand timing. My Spiritual Father always says “when you are ready for it, it will be ready or you.” I get that now. So much of that has to do with internal changes and maturity to handle another level in life. So, I’m just taking my time—getting stronger and getting ready to be able to handle all of the things I believed I was ready for only know I know that I’m just beginning to get there now.

Well, as always Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2007-01-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

New Beginnings…

Behold, the former things are come to pass, and new things do I declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them. Isaiah 42:9

So it’s a New Year. I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday season. I enjoyed myself a great deal more than the last couple of years. I enjoyed the shopping, the cooking and even the last minute gift wrapping.

I know this is the period of time in which most of us take stock and reevaluate all the things that happened to us over the last year and take time to make adjustments for this year. I have been working on a list of 100 things I want to accomplish this year. There are so many areas of myself that I continue to work on daily that will surely be added to the list. I was going to share it here but it has become deeply personal and I didn’t want to bore anyone. I intend to love harder, laugh more and partake of a lot more rest this year. I will cook healthier meals, spend more time with my children individually and be a better wife.

In this New Year, I also intend to revert back to my original format that initially used when I started this blog. I am a teacher. I love to teach, encourage, and edify. So that’s what I will do here this year. If the word cuts, then I teaching the way I have been taught to do so. It is however not a judgment or criticism. We tend to think that when we feel convicted or it hits a soft spot. I’m going to write what I glean from my prayer time, study and from any area that G-d is dealing with me personally.

To start the day off right I decided to share the 3 most important lessons I learned this year from my experiences:

#3 G-d’s timing is key to everything.
I attempted to do some things out of his timing this year and was confronted with a great deal of unnecessary grief. I decided that I was ready to go in a direction that he had neither prepared me for nor sanctioned at the time. When God wants us to do things his way is perfect. There is no anxiety or fear. I made my decision based on what I felt and what I wanted not what he wanted for me. When the time is right I will embark on my journey again, with his blessing the next time around.

#2 Maturity is a must.
I have some things on my prayer list that have been there for quite a while and I finally understand that if I don’t have it yet—either it is not ready for me or I am not ready for it. I lack maturity in my character, my circumstances or the timing is off. I have seen a ton of things come and go in my life because I got it before my character or my situation could maintain it.

#1 Keeping G-d first is a must.
My daily prayer/word time is of the utmost importance. I understand that I can’t make the best decisions without that word in me. The more time there, the less likely I am to make decisions based on my flesh. But more than that, keeping him first means that I seek him first for all things and accept his word as first, last and final authority. I find that keeping him first is very hard on the flesh because it takes humbling oneself to seek him, stay there long enough to hear what he has to say back and then be obedient to what he says. Coincidentally, this is one of the 2 keys to maturity. Earlier in my walk I made some choices that I felt were his but they violated his word. Looking back, I know they were flesh decisions. I didn't understand his ways then and so I missed it big time. The more time we spend out of his word, the more we fall back into old patterns and even lose ground in certain areas of our deliverance. We become disconnected from him and even the worlds way becomes our way as well. Therefore we adopt a counterfeit life. I.E. one that was not his will nor purpose for our life.

But again, keeping him first its very hard on the flesh and we tend to get bored from time to time with this. It’s then that we need renewal in our walk.

When I need spiritual renewal, I fast. It’s the only thing I have found to shift me back into a place of total consumption. It sorta “unclogs” me from a place of discontentment. Fastng is more about getting the spirit to receive the word from G-d to carry us through. The way my SF taught me to fast is the way the Jews fast and it has never failed to help me.

Well, enough said for now. I pray that this is the best year ever for everyone.
Until next time, Be blessed.
Chosen.

2006-12-13T23:46:00.000-07:00

Changes I’ve been going through…

“The quality of your character is so much better than those around you who have not been through what you have been going through”.

Quoted from a prophetic letter form my SF.

I love this quote. The experience of adversity is intangible. It doesn’t feel like it in the midst of things, but later, the lessons—if they are gained and held on to, make all the difference in our character.

I have officially been here in Colorado for 3 months now. I have had some good days and some really messed up days. It only feels official now that I am finally in my own space. I’ll be the first one to admit that my husband made a great choice against the other house. I’m in a townhouse with about the same amount of space and with 98% percent of the amenities that I wanted in the house. And we are saving about $300 a month. Considering how angry I was for him not going with the house, I made sure I let him know how well he made this decision despite that. I’ll be the first to admit that I have issues with his ability to make quality decisions because he is easily influenced by others when doing so. We’ll be set to go one way and next thing I know after a conversation with someone else-he’ll change his mind. Now the word does say that listening counsel is wise (proverbs 12:15). As long as it’s G-dly counsel, I’m all for it. Considering some of the messes we have had to come out of as a result of hideous decisions, it’s going to be awhile before I trust every way he wants to go. But I’m open to learning to be. What can I say? Marriage has its loops. The whole bringing two people together to create one life is a process. 10 years later, we are still working at it. And it's definitely not always easy.

The one thing I have realized in the last week is that I have outgrown some relationships and friendships. Conversations they want to have—I really could care less about. I feel the need to be involved in anyone’s business but my own. I know all of that is a distraction to keep you from working on yourself and getting your own life in the order that you want it to be in. I have too much mess to work out of me to keep me busy for a while! Besides watch anyone who is where you want to be and you will find they only have focus for what they are trying to accomplish in the own "world". I was cautious about this move because I knew that I’ve outgrown some things (and people) before I got here. And I understand that “iron sharpens iron’. (Proverbs 27:17) If the people in our vicinity don’t make us better—they make us worse. They can stunt our growth and progress. I refuse to be caught up in that. Oddly enough I received a ministry letter from my SF on this very subject. I don’t feel so disconnected from my ministry home now. (This was another issue with me.) But I understand that I am here for a season and whatever G-d has to teach me during this time, is priceless.

I am already learning how to be more organized, more precise in my goal setting and how to shift negativity into a positive. I am working on my "100 hundred things to do in 2007". A list I don’t plan to miss one opportunity to check every last thing off. Not new year's resolutions—but things that will affect me and change me longer than the span of 12 months.

As hectic as things are right now, I am so grateful for all of it. My kid’s smiles and freedom in their on space is worth all the work I still have to do. I am so looking forward to the holidays. Although I think I’m going to do Chinese for dinner instead of all that cooking. I may just cook desserts and call it a day. I haven’t even started wrapping yet so I have a ton of work to do in that area too—I always wait until the last minute on that for some reason. Besides that—nothing much else is going on worth writing about.

Until next time…

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-11-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

Bitter…

“lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled”Hebrews 12:15b

I would love to tell you that I had the most fabulous holiday. But…that would be a lie. I have been asking G-d to deliver me from a complaining spirit so I try not to complain at all about anything. And I must not stray from my own personal rule. I will say that the one bad apple thing…it’s true. I refused to allow it damper my time. I still had fun and I can’t wait until the next holiday to celebrate with them all over again.

However, I have learned some very important life lessons as a result of this holiday. This was the first year for our family to share the holidays with my BIL and wife and kids that were all here when we got here. We have missed all of the holidays together for one reason or another even when we were in the same state together for a short season. So for most of us, we were really looking forward to sharing the experience of what we do together during this period of time. We always have a big meal and then we talk, tell stories and watch movies together. Not terribly deep, but incredibly fun when you get to reminiscing about past holidays and funny things that happened. I know my BIL was really looking forward to it because he’s the oldest boy and he has missed all the holiday things we do and just because he is incredibly family oriented that way.

Now the wives and I share similar childhood experiences which I know can make it personally hard for a person to enjoy family type situations. I look back on my first holiday season with my husband and his family and it sucked too. I was b-tchy and standoffish and it was just bad. Since then I have had the privilege of allowing G-d to heal me in the area of familiar relationships and they have not. As I sat here this weekend, I realized that the enemy robs us of things that we have diligently work hard to get back. One the first areas of attack is in our families. Many of us are under attack even before we are born. Once we get here he attacks the very people purposed to love and protect us so that we are “damaged” long before we are even able to realize what has been done. Somehow most of us believe that we are fine once we escape our surroundings and even our families but there is always something that hangs onto us keeping us tied to the damage.

I am a continuous survivor and fighter of these things. I say continuous because I don’t think we are ever fully delivered. Deliverance is always contingent upon our work at it. Every day I have to fight to stay “healed” in this area. I have had several talks with both SIL’s and I understand that all in G-ds time will healing began or even take place. The key as always is acknowledgement. I had to learn to talk to G-d about the things that hurt most. It wasn’t enough to say that he knew because G-d will not press us talk to him or even address sensitive spots. When we invite him into the situation, then he can began the work that needs to be done.

Bad experiences cause bitterness. You know bitterness--that thing that makes you hang on to the anger you have for your ex that did you wrong or inability to move past the things and the people that hurt you in your childhood. I realized the other day, that there is still some bitterness in areas of me that require the work of G-d’s all sufficient grace and healing. The scripture on this post is accurate--bitterness is like a root troubling our lives, tearing up everything good and defiling our lives. It hinders progress and keeps the pain of yesterday fresh in today. It causes fear and causes us to hold on to what we need to let go of. It robs us of trust and true joy.

Bitterness is healed on a case by case basis. Some things will come easily, while other things will take a longer time to heal and some will still have “tender spots” long after healing occurs. For example I am no longer angry or bitter with my mother for my childhood but rather I am thankful for G-d’s work in me through that experience. As a result I am a better mother and a stronger woman. I have those things to pass on to my daughters and generations to come. G-d has given me “beauty for ashes” in this area. However, there are spots there that are still “tender”. I am no longer bitter over my failed relationships with my exes because they taught me what I didn’t want and what I really needed. I understand the value of G-ds sanction over my relationships personal and intimate. I know from those experiences that even beautiful beginnings can have ugly endings. I am no longer bitter over my ex’s abandonment of his child and I know that my child’s deliverance will come when it’s time for it too. I put him in the care of G-ds hands because he’s able to bear that where I can’t. However, there is a whole slew of other events that have happened that I am still working on. That root has to dug up, cut up and burnt out. That requires time, hard work and patience.

I am however speaking to my mountains…I say what I want to see and not what I see currently. You know, sometimes we speak things into another person’s life without even realizing it. People have done us that way and we likewise do others that way. Speak what you want to see. You may have to say it for awhile before it shows up, but speak it until it does. Negative things show up quickly because we BELIEVE those things are as they are when we speak them. Likewise when you believe the positive and speak them it’ll show up quickly too.
I hope you all had wonderful times with your families and friends.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-11-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

When things take a turn…

And being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform. Romans 4:21

G-d is incredible. I just have to keep praising him because he is. The scripture says praise waits for G-d (psalm 52:9). So I have to keep praising him no matter what happens.

Now, since I have been here, plenty of things have not gone the way they should have. Too many things to list. Nevertheless, G-d continues to keep me from being disappointed, distressed or angry. I am rolling with the punches. Which is a new thing for me because whatever is supposed to happen--I like for that to happen on point. But that’s just my little “tick”.

I was supposed to move in my house this week, papers were supposed to be done and things would be completed. But…my husband decided to change his mind. Mmm hmm. Don’t ask me why, he was just suddenly convinced that he needs to go another way. Now I could blog about how pissed off I was because of that, but it really wouldn’t solve anything so I won’t go there. (I was really pissed off though). It’s takes a lot to piss me off, but this was something that we have been working on for quite some time and things were finally just right for it.

So again, G-d is wonderful. It’s all right. In another season, another time, I’ll get what I want. I can wait for it. It took about a day for me to get to that point, but when I did, I was at peace with it. I stepped back and realized that what G-d has promised he will fulfill. There may be some adjustments in how he wants to do it, when, etc…and that’s good enough for me. I also realized that it was a distraction to pull me away from all the other things I am trying to do right now. I am have an agenda and I don’t intend to allow anything to get me off track. My SF--who I miss dearly--would remind me that G-d knows the end from the beginning so I should rest in the fact that the promise will not return to me void. I’m going to go with that.

Now there are some other things that have happened that you would have never considered happening. I remember several years ago this prophetess telling me I was anointed to teach and that I should consider teaching other peoples children and not just my own. I laughed at her because finishing college was not on my agenda. And let’s just say, I really couldn’t see being patient with the parents keeping up with the lessons and following through with the work once they got home. However, I was thinking of how I would do things without availing myself to how G-d would have me do it. However, since I have been here, all I have been doing is teaching. My children and other peoples children. And I still have issues with parental consistency, but the bottom line is children being taught. I am learning to get over myself in this area. Reading his ways are not my ways simply doesn’t register sometimes until he shows me another way.

With that said, I am really looking forward to the holiday this week. I have my menu planned and I can’t wait to get started with the cooking. I want to throw in a few non-traditional things like fish tacos, egg rolls, and homemade pizza. But depending on the baking schedule, something may have to be omitted. I don’t think we’ll really need 8 kinds of cookies do you? The kids got carried away with their picks and I definitely don’t plan on being the only one working this thing out this year. More Sisters in Laws, should mean more help right? We’ll see. If I don’t get here again before Thanksgiving, I pray that everyone has the best holiday ever!

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-11-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

Family…

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up Psalm 27:10

I read this scripture this morning. It’s one of my favorite verses in the bible. I love it because it’s been true for me. I don’t have very much family left. Originally I am from Maryland and I have family there that I haven’t seen in at least 10 years. My mother lives back in Memphis as well as my older son. I have no clue where my father is and I have long decided to give up looking for him. At 32, I realized that I am done pursuing someone who has long since stopped pursuing me. G-d has been a better Father than I could’ve ever hoped to have. He’s enough.

Now, I have to tell you that G-d has been incredibly gracious to me in this area because when I got married I inherited this incredible family from my husband. My husband is the youngest of 6-three boys, three girls. These are the kind of people that have your back no matter what. I love them and without a doubt I know they love me. We laugh, shop, play games and watch movies together. We just enjoy spending time with another. That’s new to me. Before I came here I was hoping that my relationship with my mother would take a turn for the better and it would finally be what I needed it to be. It didn’t go over like that. So I am still in a sense, motherless. I love her—I believe she loves me, in her own *special* way. I’ve decided to let that be enough.

But these people embrace me, encourage me, believe in me and accept me. It’s special. Last night we came back from spending the weekend with my BIL and his family and I look in the bag and there is a sack of cut-up coupons. My Mother in Law had taken the time to cut out coupons for me that I would need in this season for things for the kids and the house. A small thing, seemingly insignificant but it was so sweet to me. My Sister in Law (one of them) is my closest friend. She came along at a very delicate stage in my life when I first got saved. She was right on time. She’s the only person I am able to be completely honest with in all things. We have that open relationship that I have had only heard described. Being a minister and being completely open is difficult because you can tell people certain things and it can impair your ability to speak a word to them or even befriend to them. Not so with her. We have to be honest with one another in some very difficult points and it has not changed the fabric of our relationship.

I am grateful that G-d would give me these people when I didn’t have my own. I am true witness that he will replace people in your life when you need him too. Like all families we have our moments, but we love one another enough to not hold minor stuff against one another. I have to say that my MIL has never interfered in my marriage, and she’s not overbearing or nosey. Certain siblings are meddling at times when they believe they are trying to help. And some of their spouses…well it’s not perfect. Out of 5 of his siblings, we have a core group that is phenomenal. I love em! They are what I would have wanted if I had known all of my own siblings—I have some somewhere and I am clueless of how many there are. Last count I knew of—I’m 1 of at least 6 myself. G-d is so gracious though. I can’t wait for the holidays to come. All of us in one place laughing having a good time—it’s going to be another great year. I am also thankful that my kids have the benefit of growing up in this family learning how it’s supposed to be with siblings. You love one another regardless.

On aside note I have been waking up with music in my head. This morning it was this song...

MINT

. This is my favorite band. I haven’t heard this song in ages.Wonder what that means. Anyone know?his is my favorite band. I haven’t heard this song in ages. Wonder what that means. Anyone know?

Until next time…
Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-11-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

Read this week writing on Living Waters.

Be sure to let me know what you think.

Chosen.

2006-11-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

Be Happy….

Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.Psalm 37:4

I know I don’t post here nearly enough, but I am finding time very slim for this area of my life. I would love to say that it will get better, but I wouldn’t want to lie.

G-d is being extremely good to me and I am making great progress here. I am working on my book(s) diligently.( no date yet, but when I have one I’ll be sure to post it) Yesterday I acquired my business license for a venture I have been considering doing for the last 2 years. And…I move in 14 days. I found a great house that will be all mine 14 days from now. Now money doesn’t buy like money does in Memphis, but I am grateful enough to care less about that. The fantastic thing about houses here is that they come with basements. Most of them are large enough to be a separate apartment. I’m splitting mines into an office and a classroom since I continue to homeschool the kiddies here. But I am happy to report that I got all the things that I was asking for. The more time I stick with G-d the more I realize how he truly does give us the desires of our heart. Anyone who does not believe that he wants us to be happy is just plain silly. Oddly enough I had a conversation with someone recently about this very thing and they decided that G-d could care less about our happiness. Hmmm…interesting. I was set and on fire to go head to head over this but…for what reason?

Now anyone who frequents here from time to time knows that I can come off rather strong on certain subjects and G-d is one of them. I never calim to be an expert on him, but I can share scripture and personal testimony. Some things I have learned to not even debate because the bible says in 1 Corinthians 14:38 But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant. It’s not my job to make you see things my way and it’s really too time consuming for me. If you give a person scripture after scripture and show it to them in more than one place—cause the scriptures interprets itself if you allow it to—and they reject it, then you move on. So instead of pissing anyone off, I have learned the art of saying, “Well maybe not for you, but he does for me”. Now I know that G-d is no respecter of persons, so I am never caught up in what he does for me as if I will be the only one or even that I deserve it. He loves me and that’s why he does anything for me. So if you doubt that he wants us to be happy, who am I to argue with you? Now I know the scripture says he will give us the desires of our heart and it would make perfect sense that if happiness was a desire, he would grant it, but then you have to believe the scriptures and that’s a whole other post.

The thing that I have learned time and again is that G-d will only speak to you about that which you are ready to receive. If you don’t want the truth, he doesn’t force it on you. Likewise, I have to treat people as such. Now him desiring for us to be happy and us being happy is 2 totally different things. Because it is a choice. I have had to make adjustments in this area myself (On a daily basis). It also requires acknowledging some things or people that may have to go and most of us fear change more than anything. No matter what we face or go through, we have the ability to have joy. I am finding that focus is the key. Focus on the end result, not the now. It makes all the difference for me. Prayer. Praise and focus. Lethal combo.

Until next time…
Be Blessed. Chosen.

2006-10-17T15:44:00.001-06:00

Organized randomness….

I know that I have been missing for more than a minute, but…that’s what happens when you have way too much on your plate. I thought about writing everyday—on the way to do laundry, cook a meal, or clean a bathroom. Now that my life has resumed to it’s own simple pace. I will definitely have more time to do the thing that I love second best—which is write.

Here’s a quick catch-up…

G-d is so awesome! I still love Colorado. I think about going home everyday mainly because though I am staying in the word and listening to tapes—it’s not the same as that prophetic atmosphere and the cut to the bone/in your face/hit you with the truth word that I get from my SF. And I have church hopped a little to places where people swear there is a “deep” word only to leave irritated because I could have caught some TV instead. My spiritual condition is of the utmost importance to me so that I can fulfill divine purpose. The proof for me of his love for me is that he could have chosen anyone---but yet he still chose me to carry the anointing that I carry. He ignored my past, and even my present! I don’t want to jeopardize that in any way. So I am stuck catching my SF on the internet 2 days a week. Still, I do love the atmosphere, the pace and the fact that a sista’ has had a chance to lose 10 pounds and some inches. Can we say…SEXY!!!! But really, I love it here. The people are so incredibly friendly it’s unreal. Every child I meet is instantly attached at my hip. What is up with that? And let’s not mention that they are experiencing a baby boom here. I saw 15 newborns in a matter of minutes yesterday in Wal-Mart. It’s must be some type of flu or something…well I’m not going to catch it that’s for sure!!! My husband and I have a complete set as I like to say.

Now onto other things that may be slightly controversial….However, I have been meaning to write about this for some time. Here in CO there are a lot of biracial couples as well as children. Since I have been here, I have overheard a lot of conversations where the parents (i.e. the mothers)--stress their concern over how dark the children will be. Seems kinda weird, but they are extremely concerned. This is an extremely touchy subject for me as I am myself biracial. The mothers themselves don’t get it because they are not biracial so to them I come off as angry black woman trying to make them seem as if they are prejudiced. But their children are hearing them mull over their concerns about their “color status” so they themselves don’t even seem to understand they are black in even if just half. As a matter of fact, they call themselves anything but black—peach, apricot, tan. It’s incredibly funny and sad to me at the same time. What do you tell biracial children? What would you tell them?

Now, you would think that I, from a personal standpoint would have something to offer in the matter because of my own experiences as a child and later as an adult, but they don’t want to hear what I have to say. I was very “light” as a child. But I always knew that I was black. I would have never considered myself “beige”. But them my mother was black. So she didn’t sugar coat that for me. It was understood by me that no matter what color I appeared to be to people, I was black. It has brought some issues to my life as well. As a child I would often change my name. I was always moving so unfortunately some people I grew up with probably still have no clue what my real name was. Shoot at that time, I didn’t even know who I was. I carried that into adulthood culminating other issues. For instance, my husband later admitted to me that he approached me when we met, because he knew I was mixed. That threw me off for a bit because I thought so just being a nice looking black woman wasn’t enough? But I got over that somewhere along the line. When I had my daughter last year my in-laws entered my room catching only a glimpse of me and apologized to me because they thought they had entered the wrong room. In the winter months, I can be mistaken from time to time. I don’t look white to me, but I guess to other people I can at certain points. Now both of my daughters came here the same color as me and even though we had family members that called the oldest one “little white girl” I made sure she understood that she was black. Not because it bothered me that they called her white but because she is indeed black despite all outside appearances. What did I tell her? That we come in a multitude of different colors from bright light to dark and lovely. To me that would solve the issues that could later arise should she go through a “color change.” These mothers don’t want to say that for some reason. It brought up the issue for me that if you are uncomfortable with telling your children that, can you raise strong biracial children? Especially if you yourself won’t even acknowledge that your daughters are indeed black women or your sons, black men, despite their current shade?

So again, what do you tell them? If they look white do you say they are white? If they look Hispanic, do you tell them that or do you just say your father is black and so are you? My father is Hispanic, but I still say I am black. If people ask more questions I explain further. Color changes do happen. If you say they are white or merely Hispanic and they get darker, how will that affect them later? They are biracial. That’s for sure. The mother does have to get comfortable with that. The thing that irritated me was that if you don’t want them to be black, that was something that you should have considered prior to the “hook up”.

The scripture says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I have held onto that when faced with identity crisis. Understanding that I was chosen for G-d’s pleasure is now enough for me. NOW. It’s been a long journey to this point. I am very interested in what you all have to say on this issue.

Be Blessed. Chosen.

2006-09-25T09:58:00.000-06:00

G-d's all sufficient Grace...
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

I am so busy. I knew I would be when I got here. It's a new place, I have an incredilbe list of "to do's" during this season and I am essentially starting over. Despite every obstacle--the traffic can be hellacious and I get lost just getting to the house some days, my day starts at 3 am and doesn't end...I still absolutely love it! I love that I never really know what the weather is going to hold for me on any given day. Yesterday what looked like a winter coat day turned out to be a t-shirt day. I, of course already had on a sweatshirt that I had to make do with until I reached the house again, but I could take the heat. I love the views and even the people.

Busy...for me, busy currently translates into 4 daily cooked meals, 8 kids(sometimes 11-12) 2 cats, and 4 adults. And I have decided to homeschool my nephew as well who is behind. After one week I already need a vacation. However, I am still enjoying myself. I have absolutely no complaints about the amount of work that has fallen into my lap. It's not always easy or enjoyable, but I have learned to depend on G-d's strength for those moments. (For a lot of moments). I have had to mature rather quickly in the fact that just because people are saved does not mean that they understand the work that G-d is doing in your life. Nor are they able to recognize who you are to him and in him. What they do is misjudge your whole circumstances. But finally I am no longer anxious to try to prove to them who I am or what I am. I let them walk in their assumption and I continue in the clarity that I have. It's caused me to take a whole other look at who I "put my mouth on" or what I say about people. I don't know all nor can I see all behind the scenes. I pray that this new found understanding is something I never forget while looking at others.

It has been a long road to my contentment with being at home. Though I always wanted to be a wife and a mother and be at home, I did not wwant to do it this way. I wanted to work from the house with assistance. I.E. a nanny, tons of money and a host of other things. Obviously G-d and I must have gotten our wires crossed cause' that's not how it happened. Nevertheless, After years of complaining, I realize I wouldn't really want to be anywhere else. I am good at this. Not everyone is for whatever reasons. And heaven knows, initailly I lacked quite a number of skills. I did start out hanging on the phone for way too long and not giving my best to the meal preparation or the keeping up with things as I should. Everyday, my oldest daughter tells me something I used to do that got on her nerves. Of course, she was a smart "little wench" who liked every thing her own way--from birth. Thank G-d she out grew that phase! Thank G-d I grew out of all of mine as well. When faced with financial issues, people automatically assumed that I needed to get a job. I listened to them as well trying to get one. Failing to truly trust G-d nor understand that it was where he had placed me. I had to let others have their say taking their criticism knowing what he had told me. The word says acknowledge him in all our ways...what others can't see, has no bearing on the validity of what he has told me.

I am learning that part of maturing is allowing people to say and think whatever and still treat them the same. Not in the spirit of thinking that they are simply ignorant misguided folks, but understanding that "eyes have not seen...". It's not their fault that they can't see. And even greater than that is allowing them to say what they want without even desiring to backlash them with words in their face or behind their back. Just remaining the same. It does bother me to know that people think so little of me. But then I am guilty of thinking so little of others.

I have simply reaped what I have sowed. Who would have thought that it would be so painful.

I have learned that G-d's grace is enough for me. Even when I cry or i'm tired or I feel like it's all been enough. His grace carries me through.

Be Blessed.Chosen.

2006-09-17T09:51:00.000-06:00

All things are Possible...

I have arrived in Denver. I love it already. The streets are a little confusing, but I think that's just because I am not used to it. I figure I will have it mastered by the end of the week. After all there are signs everywhere to get me to where I am trying to go.

I have been here for two days and already it feels like home. Growing up moving from one place to another allows me to adjust rather easily. I love looking out my window and having the mountains frame my view. I can even see snow on the peaks. It's absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to put some pictures up! I went shopping yesterday and the weather was great. It was bright and sunny (so sunny in fact that shades are a requirement) I should have known the sun thing, after all I am up 5,000 feet! Duh... There was light breeze flowing that made for a comfortable shopping trip. Which is definitely a plus because all that humidity in Memphis made it a chore to do it even when I was glad to just be able to go and buy groceries or whatever. With kids in tow complaining about the heat while having to jump in and out of a hot car you can lose all enjoyment of it quickly.

As I was riding in the car looking out the window, I asked G-d what would make him choose to create the mountains. I was really just talking to myself, but I heard in my spirit that just looking at them allows us to believe that all things are truly possible. And I looking at them, I feel exactly that way. It's like a faith boost or something. I look out there and I know that those huge pieces of rock and dirt are significant in that nothing I face is as big as that.

I needed a fresh start when I came here. If it's a season or genuinely the place that I will reside for the rest of my life, I am not sure of that yet. But right now, I have been given exactly what I desired and what I needed. G-d wanted me to look out the window every day smiling and enjoying what I saw. He wanted me to be happy. For that I am truly grateful. I haven't smiled this much in a long time, nor have I laughed as much as I have. I laughed the entire trip out here even as long as it was with the kids cranky and all of that. I just would not have imagined that moving would be this fun. Even thinking out how much stuff I have to do or even what has to be put away, doesn't even phase me. I have already looked at several houses, but I am not in a hurry. I am learning the extra bonuses of waiting on G-d and his timing for me.

What fascinates me the most is that 6 months ago while pre-packing boxes, I never imagined that I would be unpacking them here. G-d is so awesome that way. I love that he takes care of even what seems minute or insignificant. He knew that I loved the outdoors and all things like that and he has placed me in a place where I can actually enjoy it. I am also reminded that allowing him to lead, leads to what I need and not always what I think I want. Even if it doesn't seem to make sense to me, he sees farther than I can. This move didn't seem to make sense at first. I was doubtful even up until the last moment. But, here I am. Happier than I could have imagined and ss LadyLee would say "skipping along like a smurf".

Be Blessed.

Chosen.

2006-09-13T23:12:00.000-06:00

Last Post as a Memphian....

Yes, folks this warrior is moving. To Denver, Colorado of all places! I am nervous, excited and ready for a fresh start in a new city. So this is my official last post as a Memphian. I can't really say that I will miss it as much as I thought I would. Being that I am originally from Maryland (Baltimore) and a former army brat leaves me with the ability to pack and move and with a sort of detachment. I have only lived here for the last 10 years so I will look back with fond memories and that's enough for me.
And since I will be coming back to the area once a month for minister's classes, it's not like I will be totally absent from the area. It's not like I could disconnect my SF. I am like the Shunemite woman, when it comes to him. Leaving his atmosphere does not mean that I am no longer connected to him.

I have been on a real roller coaster these last few weeks, emotionally, physically that it feels like everything is happening at once. But, I am still standing and still moving. I can not let all of this stuff affect my momentum. All things are definitely working for my good, I know that. I just have to remember that on the difficult days. It's maturing me to say the least. It kinda reminds me of my daughter in the pageant. Initially I hoped that she would win, but she was so assured of winning that she really didn't feel as though she needed to work as hard as everyone else did. Once I realized that was her issue, I was hoping that she wouldn't win so that the lesson wouldn't be lost. She wasn't mature enough for that prize. There are some prizes that though I really want them, I am too am not mature enough for them yet. So I am working on that.

I see that I have been dumped by many of my usual readers but after I get to Denver, I will definitely be able to go back to my regular posting schedule. I will be back on both blogs so stay tuned. I have so much to share that I am just bursting to write and post.

Until then....
Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-08-26T17:17:00.000-06:00

New Beginnings….

I know that I have been gone for a minute. I hadn’t planned to be but I am in a significant transition right now and it requires a lot more of my time and attention than I really anticipated. I really can’t wait until I can be back to blogging regularly. I miss sharing the things that I have been experiencing. I am learning so many new things about myself that G-d has been illuminating for me that I am trying to keep it all written down day by day.

I am still reading other people blogs…I even comment now and then. I can see from reading Diva’s blog that I am not the only one with people’s mouths all over something they neither understand nor comprehend. I know that I have been guilty of that myself from time to time, but I have learned that we truly all do make our own way. From now on, I am happy if you are. G-d has had to teach me that we are all operating differently so what works for me, may not work for you and vice versa. I am especially confronted with that since I have noticed that people that I share the same church home with look at me crazy when I decided to walk in the teaching whole heartedly and confront some areas in my life. It’s a little weird to me, but whatever. If I didn’t believe the word from Genesis to the maps and even the scriptures that the editors decided to leave out of our canon of 66 books, but that Jesus still quotes in the gospels, I’d just stay home and watch T.V. and live however I wanted. If G-d can't do it, i'm wasting my time. But that’s just ME. I realize that what I am willing to give up and do is not what others think or feel. What I needed was support and not criticism. And since that requires a great deal of change in the people that I associate with--family included. That’s what I have to do. Even if failure occurs from time to time, I need support more than anything. If you are not helping me, you are hindering me.

From reading Chele I noticed that I am not the only woman who has been struggling with depression. Shoot, I have struggled with it all my life. I haven’t picked up any meds or even went to counseling for it but I have carried all 6 of the symptoms for lengthy periods of time. I finally decided to get to the root of the problem and cut out some things and people that are feeding the symptoms. Thus the new beginning. I feel so much stronger these days and I know that it’s because I am no longer tying to carry a burden that was too big for me to handle. Some things only he can do in me and for me. I get that completely now.

I have constructed my own little “family” in the blogging world. Well actually I won’t take credit for it because I believe some of these connections are true G-d connections. People who listen and speak from the heart and give you there analysis with stunning honesty and who are willing to add me to their prayer lists. I am so grateful for that. Thank you Serenity and LadyLee! I find it amazing that total strangers can connect on a level and that people you are related to don't even know you like that. Weird, but true. I find myself recounting stories from the blogs only I often have a hard time explaining who the people are. I just ignore the question and keep talking. My daughter knows though. I read her some things that I get from the endless nuggets of wisdom and truth and she laughs with me or she takes notes. I love that child. She is so smart.

More than anything I am finally confronting issues that I had longed buried and kept to myself. I am owning the things that I see in others that I recognize in myself. It’s a lengthy process, but it’s so worth it. I understand that when I pray perfect will it comes with a price tag. A huge one. I don’t want to get to the next level and still have ugly stuff in me. So I am required to purge myself. I want what G-d wants for me and nothing less. I’ll only be happy with that. I get that too. Everything has to come with a analysis, prayer and confirmations. Otherwise I am going to skip it. Whatever doesn’t comes from G-d, is a gift from the enemy. I don’t want deliverance from a myriad of new things simply because I failed to get his advice or wisdom before hand. I am so grateful for his patience and grace towards me. It’s incredibly comforting during this time. I am leaning, clinging and walking as upright as possible. I realize though, what appears to be chaos, is simply G-d working out things for me. I am reminded daily that just because it’s not according to my plans or how I would do it, he knows best and that waiting on him and allowing him to do it, will leave the best results in the end.

Until next time…

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-08-13T19:21:00.000-06:00

Words can’t express…A bit of randomness

I know it’s been quite a while since I last posted, but I have been incredibly busy thanks to the start of another year of home school, my daughters pageant, writing projects and personal issues. But now that the pageant is over, I am not having to do excessive running around and what-not’s for that, I have more time to write. My daughter did not win--thank G-d and I have learned several new things about myself as a result of the experience.

The first thing is, I could not be a pageant mom. NO….the girls attitudes change under the pressure and I would jack smack mine and desire to jack the others as well. The small girls were fine, it was the teenage girls that got on my last nerves! Talking to their mother any kind of way, YELLING at them and DEMANDING things to be done for them. Yeah, it worked on me. My daughter set on a tangent once and I reminded her that I would jack her and she came to herself and apologized. I am not a pageant fan any way simply because you say you want them to show who they are but you are picking what they wear, coaching them on what to say and even dictating how their hair should be. Um…when are they going to get to choose something that truly represents who they feel they are? Emulation kills creativity and the anointing every individual carries. The word calls it a work of the flesh. It’s hard enough to get a girl to think for themselves as it is and then we go teaching them how to act and walk like everyone else. Why did my daughter enter the pageant then? Because it’s not about what I like, she has her own tastes. With kids, you get excited about what they like and support them while keeping your comments and thoughts to yourself. She had a fabulous time and performed wonderfully. Aside from all the issues I have with the whole “cloning” thing, I had a fabulous time. I loved the interaction with the girls, the giggling, they joy and excitement they feel having conquered something they were afraid of. And I love that they are being taught how to be confident, diligent, and hardworking towards a goal. She’ll do it again next year. And I will right here cheering her on. Enough said.

The other thing is I am so thankful that I have been entrusted with the care of my children. It’s amazing how much G-d desires to teach us through the ministry of parenting. When I am forced to give one of my children a lecture about certain things, I too end up learning something. I have all of my mistakes at my disposal to share with them the wisdom that I have gained a result of those experiences. Parenting is such a privilege. You never completely have a hang of it and there’s always something to learn. What works for one child won’t work for them all and that’s fine. It just means that I have something new to learn. And since he just lent them to me, I try to my best ability to seek him on how to handle all situations with them--Psalms 127:3 say they are the heritage of the lord--heritage meaning they are his. I constantly remind him of that when they get besides themselves By saying "G-d, get your child before I do".

Anyone who knows me well, would tell you that I have an insatiable desire to learn and then to pass along that which I have experienced as a result of my new found information. That’s why I love books so much. So many lessons and nuggets of wisdom within the pages. That’s also why my love affair with the word is so strong. I can read the same pages everyday and each time I get something new and I understand that I will never exhaust it. The more I read, learn, and understand, the more G-d can reveal to me.

I am in the middle of reading a great book-“A Piece of cake” by Cupcake Brown. It is a fantastic testimony about the power of G-d’s hand on a life and the work that only he can do to us and through us. I love it. The only thing that saddens me is that she is not the only woman that has or that will suffer these things. The word tells us that our temptations are common to man(1 Cor 10:13) That just let’s me know that some girl/woman is experiencing those same things as we speak. I have done some mess on my own and put myself in the middle of some mess and even my children have had to tag along on some of it, but after reading the first couple of chapters, I told G-d that I was thankful that her testimony was not mine! Being delivered from what I have been through is quite enough, thank you.

I have also recently begun to really appreciate all unanswered prayers. You know the ones I made ignorantly like “please don’t let us break up”, or “let us get back together”, “ please let me get accepted to college in Hawaii”. You know, dumb prayers that were usually attached to people I didn’t need or getting things out of season that I was too immature to handle or be a good steward over. Words can’t express how grateful I am for his protection in my phases of stupidity. There were cars I couldn’t have afforded and money that would have certainly only increased the mess I was in.After all the hell I have been through, asking for his perfect will no matter what the cost is, comes easily and naturally nowadays.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-07-31T16:07:00.000-06:00

Growing Up…

Yesterday Serenity talked about “her girls” which I found hilarious because I too have been having a similar issue. I told my daughter yesterday before we got on the elevator to go to church to be herself. She is always asking me if I like what she has on or if it looks right. I give her my opinion but I always tell her to “do her”. I don’t worry about stuff being too skimpy or whatever because it’s not even coming up in here like that. I’m shopping with her so, it won’t even make it to the cart. I want her to learn now to like what she likes regardless of who else likes it. My opinion shouldn’t matter on some things. An opinion and wisdom are 2 different things. My opinion is based on what I like for me. Wisdom is based on what G-d has to say about handling a situation. She needs to understand that now so she doesn’t get it twisted.

Before we got on the elevator I said to her, “Be you because that takes work.” She asked me what I meant and I told her “It’s easier to be someone else than to be yourself”. I was just talking fast as I do from time to time, but what I said came straight from the Holy Ghost. After I said it, I had to stop and chew on that myself. I realized after we got in service and the subject came up about cloning or imitating other people near the end of the message that there was a very important lesson in that.

I have been married for 10 years. I don’t really think that I knew who I was prior to the relationship, and I am just starting to figure myself out now. I think initially I hoped to be just who I was in the beginning but because I was married I began to put myself to the side. I started looking and acting like I was supposed to. Whatever that meant. But I kept my hair for my husband and I looked like he needed or rather wanted me to look. Being a mother I also believed there was certain things that I shouldn’t have on while with my kids or whatever because how can I tie one of the kids shoes with my panties showing from under a mini? So I have suppressed me. I don’t really feel inclined to do so now. I have struggled with my identity too long to start to regress on that thing.

Serenity’s story was funny to me because I too have big breasts. I never thought I would have them, but they showed up and they act like they are here to stay. (they don’t know their days are numbered but they are). Yesterday I had on a tank under a light sweater. The “girls” were waving at me all day. Not inappropriately, but just more noticeably propped up. I was feeling fine when I left the house but I started to notice some of the women looking at me as if to say I needed to have worn something different. I think not. I’m not a clone. Been there, done that. It’s over. I tried to be the suit wearing woman like the rest of them but it’s really not me. I am a jeans, t-shirt/tank and stiletto kind of girl. You wear your suit and hat, I’ll strut in what I like. Yes my hair is blonde--I’m not actually in a minority there but as a minister, I am the only one. (that was my husband’s idea and it grew on me) Still, I don’t care. When I don my clerical attire, I wear the appropriate wear. But any other day, I have to be me.

Here’s my point, I am growing up. Years ago I would have changed and did the clone thing. Now, I do me. One lady in particular was looking at me as if she wanted to say something, but oh well. I was waiting for her to so I could “bless” her. What you think is inappropriate may be inappropriate FOR YOU. But don’t think that I’m going to submit to your thoughts on that thing. If you think your husband was staring at my “friends”, you might want to put you one on so he can look at you instead. I am not going to wear underwear hanging out or whatever. I‘m not dressing “stank” while I am G-d’s house but don’t tell me my jeans are too tight or that my shoes remind you of hooker heals. Don’t buy any for you. I like mine. Matter of fact, the higher the better. They are perfect for me.

The end of the message yesterday changed my whole view. Like for instance when we see other women with stuff hanging out or whatever, they are doing them. They knew what it looked like when they came out so let them do them. If it bothers you, don’t look back. You can help it. Stop looking. As for the men--they simply need to make a covenant with their eyes like the word says.

And yes I know someone is prepared to go to 1 peter 3:3-4--uh huh. I could simply say that he was saying not to spend more time on physical appearance than you do your spirit and then i would refer you to 1 Samuel 16:7 But that would be obvious. Scripture answers itself if you let it, that’s why it says precept upon precept…refer yourself to Rev 2:20--and then go back and study by way of history I.E. Josephus so that you can know the historical context of that letter and then I don’t know maybe let G-d tell you what that means for YOU. I know what he told me, what did he say to you? I’m not attempting to lure anyone or seduce no man. I’m being me. G-d knows what my intentions are and so I’m comfortable.

Some women never had this issue--I applaud you. For you all this may not be a big thing, for me it is.
I am finally growing up.(Yeah!!) It’s a major step for me. It took all this time for me to get here and It feels great! Just wanted to share that.

Be Blessed .

Chosen.

2006-07-26T21:55:00.000-06:00

Getting some stuff of my chest…

First I have to say this--

I have been missing here for a second. I am busy. I have tons of obligations right now and so I have simply been lurking on other peoples blogs. I was enjoying doing just that. I was really thinking about moving my spot and only allowing a select few know where I was going to. NOT! I like right where I am. Obviously somewhere along the line I have offended some people since I received a wonderfully strange e-mail from someone yesterday. I want to first say that it is never my intent to be ugly or say ugly things to or about anyone. Nor am I trying to be holier than thou or self-righteous whatever some of you feel I may be. I realize I will not please everybody nor do I desire to. Some of you just need to stop coming over here if it pisses you off like that. If I’m visiting you spot and you would prefer that I don’t, let me know, I’ll stop visiting. Hell, I won’t lose no sleep over it--I’m too busy to let that bother me. You can reach me at Rhemawordwriter@bellsouth.net if you have an issue.

Now that I have said that…
This whole issue reminds me of being a child and having adults say negative things about me. It was fine when they said things about me to me because then I could just ignore them or stay my distance from them. But It was always the ones that I was always blessed to overhear them saying negative things about me. They were hidden in their actions, but they were always uncovered. Hebrews 4:12 tells us that the word is a discerner of the intents and thoughts of the heart. Mines and others. That’s a great motivation for my staying in the word. But imagine if you will being 9 or 10 and people saying things about you based on who your mother is or whatever. Shoot, I remember being younger than that and hearing stuff. It always hurt my feelings. I would go home and cry and ask G-d why. Weird thing is I still often overhear people saying stuff. Only now, I don’t cry.

Those people have caused me to be quite calloused towards people. I have a mistrust for people. I am always wondering about their motives. It really doesn’t bother me to have people dislike me. However, I don’t seek to offend anyone, but I also don’t feel inclined to kiss butt either. It’s the reason that after any given service at church you’ll find me talking to the children in our ministry and rarely the adults. I stand in the lobby or the parking lot and even in the sanctuary talking to children. I know all of their names and I have plenty of time to listen to them talk about whatever. They have the most interesting things to say and I find that a lot of them are listening to the word going forth. I love children and I don’t care whether I know their mother dislikes me or not. (Men don’t have an issue with me, they never have). The really weird thing is that even people that G-d has revealed don’t like me will still ask me to watch their children while they go to the rest room or to their car. What‘s up with that?

A couple of weeks ago I told a teenage girl sitting behind me who decided to laugh and mock when another young lady shouted and praised G-d, to never do that. It’s dangerous to laugh and talk about people that are going through. (check the record 2 Samuel 6:16-23) She was a little teed off, but I only spoke because G-d said so and I said it nicely. Otherwise I would have walked on past her on my out of service. It wasn’t as If it had been the first time I noticed older children doing that and her especially. But they are kids you know? The bible says foolishness is bound in the heart of a child (Prov 22:15). They are expected to do some things that are silly like that. Here she was normally happy to chat with me, and now she has the attitude that most children have after being corrected. I can deal with that it’ll pass. She’ll get over that. But the adults?…

Recently my SF preached and he said that people either have an honorable assignment in our lives or a dishonorable one. They are either here to pour into us or cause us the hurt and pain that propels us to our destinies. All of those people in my life as a child and the ones in my life now are helping me. Enemies cause me to fast and consecrate myself. They make me stay in prayer and in constant communication with G-d. They are helping me become the woman that G-d created me to be in the first place. What people don’t realize is that they are being manipulated by my prophecy. They aren’t hurting me they are setting me up for a breakthrough.( Thank you). I always laugh when I think about the fact that G-d has called me to preach and I don’t really like crowds nor do I have a proclivity to interact with people. (Correction--adults or rather women). It’s hilarious to me. He truly does have a sense of humor as I always say.

^*Sigh*^…

Well, I have said more than enough. Surely this won’t be the last time I’ll have to face this kind of thing. It kinda goes with the territory.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-07-15T15:15:00.000-06:00

Things I wished someone would have told me as a child…

When I was growing up as a little girl in the inner city, I never thought that I grew up in the hood. Being there with people that I both trusted and that were familiar was just a common thing. I wasn’t a big TV fan, but when I did watch soaps with my grandmother, I knew that I wanted that kind of life they had--the kind of life that afforded me with choices, variety, options.

I like most children back then, thought that was only to be a dream. We were told by those adults in our atmosphere that we would be limited to the things that we could do and have because in their minds things were simply not as simple as our minds told us they were as children. As an adult I’ve found that for the most part, we were on to something as children.
That belief that anything is possible is true. We simply have to continue to believe that never wavering until it’s so resonant in our spirit that it causes us to rise up and do what is necessary for those things to be accomplished. I have come to realize that no one or anything can hold me back. If I set myself in agreement with G-d to do the impossible, I will. No one ever told me that as a child. I wish they had.

People always presented obstacles and reasons why the things that I wanted to do would be either hard or next to impossible. Tell me where is that in the word? The word tells me that if you can believe all things are possible to him that believeth(Mark 9:23). The word tells for as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). Genesis 1:26, Psalm 82:6 and John 10:34 tells me that I am a mini G-o-d. That means I have the capacity to create the life I want with my words, thoughts and my actions. The even sadder thing is that those scriptures are all based spiritual principles reserved for the church, yet the world is using them and being successful where we are failing.

Another thing that G-d had to teach me was that I am not being selfish if I am not willing to compromise to the point of my displeasure. How am I benefiting from you being happy but I’m miserable? People try to make you feel guilty and selfish if you think of yourself too much. The scripture says to love my neighbor as I love myself (Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 22:39). How am I loving me if I am hindering my peace and my happiness for your sake? No that’s me loving you. The thing I need to do is please G-d because if I please him, then I will be pleased and you can benefit from his pleasure of me. G-d does not have a problem with us being selfish if it compromises us in the process. He promises us happiness (Psalm 128:2). People think he doesn’t--but I guess all the things he did for Adam--planting the garden in Eden, coming to walk and talk with him in the cool of the day, bring him the mate that was in him (I.e. what was in his mind-using his rib to do it) that was all just some things he did for fun. He created the life that most of us are seeking now--one with peace, fulfillment, no lack, shortage or insufficiency. The life we like to refer to as “the good life”.

I have learned from my life of settling (because that’s what I have done all my life because I listened to people and not G-d) is that the things that I want--the type of mate I desire, the kind of car I want, the life I want to live, the type of clothes I want to wear--those things are from G-d. They are the vision that he has given to me. What I see with my eyes closed (and often now open) are my hidden roadmap to creating the life he designed for me. It doesn’t matter what my life looks like now because the things that I see are facts--they are not truth. The only truth that exists is what G-d says and shows to me. I simply have to wait until my facts are swallowed up by his truth. No one ever told me that. I wish they had.

The one thing I won’t be doing with my kids is telling them that things are impossible or reasoning with them why something won’t or can’t happen. I had to even learn how to not tell them no to things. I simply tell them, agree with me and in the right time and season, we’ll get it. They know that what ever they believe it can and will happen if they seek G-d for his plan of how to get that thing accomplished. I also won’t tell them to settle. They will never hear the words you can’t have all of what you want, you’ll have to let some things go. Oh, no they won’t get the “settle” speech from me. If they want it, it exists somewhere--all they have to do is be willing to wait until it’s time for them to have it.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-07-10T12:57:00.000-06:00

Just thinking…

I know I have had a one track mind lately. Yep, I sure have--but I have finally come to myself. I wish I could say that I won’t mention trials or whatever--but in the future I am sure to. Right now I just want to focus on living the best life before G-d. If you understood all the things that I have been through up until now--losing EVERYTHING-starting over, being sick unto death, my child running away, my marriage etc, etc. Common things--because I am not the only one. Everyone is not as vocal as I am being.

For me it’s easier to serve G-d now. It takes some things for some of us. Sometimes when we think that we are making decisions he’s really leading us in knowing all along what it was going to take to get us to the place of no holds barred worship. That’s why I say all the time I don’t judge people for what they do in the flesh. We are all working on some stuff and will be till Jesus returns. Surely someone thinks that’s just what I like to say but it’s what I mean. Shoot, on my best day I know I am still altogether filthy in his sight because he said that my righteous is as filthy rags--not to be graphic but that text is referring to the type of rag a woman would’ve used…Yeah. So he’s not looking at me--Jesus stands between me and him--therefore he sees him.

Reading the prophetic books you learn that G-d places people within our range to do his warning when we are in error and we ignore him, but even then he knows we won’t listen. I can’t tell you how many times I look back and wish I had listened. But, again, he knew it would take all of that to get me to here where I want him more than anything else. I have had things and people I thought I had to have only to be disappointed.
I have misplaced my trust and my affection and my care often enough to want him to help me make those decisions now. But it took all of that to know that for now to be my hearts desire. I have played the harlot with him like Gomer in Hosea. Time and again he comes for me. Now, it’s my time to give ME back. My time, my worship, my service. I owe him that small thing. To think that after all the mess that I have been in and he still loves me and wants to do stuff through me is baffling to me. With all my inadequacies and faults and issues--he still picked me to do something in his name. Shoot, I ask him sometimes if he’s sure he didn’t miss the mark.

Nowadays it’s so easy to let G-d and his word go. I mean every where I go there is an attack on the word or on Christianity. I was reading on this man’s blog--who is in fact a preacher and he pastors his own church. He actually wrote that he did not think the book of Jonah really happened-he said it had “good moral quality” but he didn’t believe it really happened. What is up with that? I usually don’t address ignorance because that’s exactly what this is. If you don’t believe the integrity of all the word--how can you then teach it to people and get them to believe G-d? To Get them to know that he is not a liar like the word says? Maybe it’s just me. But I was really pissed off by that. If you miss it on that small thing--you’ve missed him--he is his word.
Ignorance is the problem in the church--not enough knowledge and UNDERSTANDING. Most of us don’t even know what we believe because we have sat under ignorant people and they never taught us anything because they didn’t know anything nor do they know what they believe. We just follow church doctrine that don’t even line up with the word. That’s why Islam has a greater amount of followers now then Christianity. Most of us can’t even argue the validity of the word to a Muslim. It’s just awful. The one thing that I appreciate about Islam--they study so that they know what they believe so that they can teach it to others--they don’t compromise it.(By and Large) Adding or taking away from the scriptures which is a commandment for us (Deut 12:32), acting as if G-d didn’t know what he meant when he wrote it or that he really won’t mind if I do this too. Too many of us are willing to compromise for the sake of something temporary. They on the other hand--(and when I say they I really won’t lop black Muslims in there because we change our minds too much--by and large) But they raise there children in their word, not allowing them to sway from it, they teach it because they live it. They believe it so much that they are willing to die for it. However warped that may sound to some, it’s something to think about.

All I’m saying is as Christians--we have to come up. I often think of the glorious things we could do if we could all simply believe and understand the same things so that we could get on the same page and truly do the works of Christ. That what I pray for.
Regardless of all of that I simply want to serve him. Not just because I need him, but because I want to.

Those were just my thoughts.
Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-07-07T22:45:00.000-06:00

I have seen myself and it is ugly…

Having a lot of kids is the best thing to me! I always wanted to be a mother and have a big family so when people ask me what’s it like, I can’t really explain it. I don’t have a hard time keeping up with them or anything and 5 isn’t a lot to me. So, I really don’t understand what they are trying to ask me. Once you have two adding on is easy. Don’t laugh, but I still expect to add to this clan. One day. (hey, I’m still young).

Now, Each of my children are different yet they are the same. I know you are wondering how is that so I’ll explain. With each one the pregnancies are relatively the same and the last two even came out in labor the same--with their right hands up. (yeah--I have been trying figure that one out too). Victory? Overcoming? No one knows but them and G-d so far. They all for the most part look just alike. They all love books and writing and anything crafty(they get that from me).

But ummm…lately I have noticed that the baby is bossy. I don’t mean just bossy but the bully kind of bossy. To the point where she has her finger all in the other children’s faces and pushes them and when they don’t share their stuff she has been known to jump on the boys and wear them out. Now, right now they find this funny, but she’s not a little girl now, so imagine in 6 months. Where did that come from? You have to really get on my nerves to get me to fight because I walk away from ignorance. And it is definitely not her daddy because he is far more patient than I am. (He thinks everything they do is funny).

Back to what I was saying, the baby girl B.K.A "Baby Diva", is an absolute mess right? I mean she is 18 months old and I have to argue with her! She has decided that it is her mission to keep everyone in line and she does not take no for an answer. Now, where is she getting all of this from? I mean I can be bossy, but only at home because 5 require upkeep in the discipline department. I do jack my kids up anywhere because some times an ounce of embarrassment goes a long way. Besides when you are busy, you can forget to spank later on. I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten home and gotten busy cooking and forgot and then have to resort to a lesser punishment because the spanking point has passed. And I hate that. That whipping cements my words.

But today, I realized that this girl is me up a few notches. I mean she kept jacking the boys up when I said something to them. Telling them to shut up, and popping them. She got on my nerves! And then it hit me, if this is in me, it’s ugly. I think G-d was simply trying to show me what is in me. He knows what really in there, I know I don’t. Proverbs 16:2 says All the ways of a man are clean in his own eyes; but the LORD weigheth the spirits. He sees this in me. This is an early alert.

I need to keep myself in check. And consequently I have to keep the baby in check too. The sad thing is that I realize now, that all of them have been this bossy at this age. It’s a shame it took me this long to see it. The great news is that I know this is a phase. This bossy thing is always replaced by the sweetest disposition. And I don’t say that because they are mine, but because they really are all sweet kids. They do stuff like all other kids, but they are genuinely all sweet. Another great thing is I am on the watch now to make sure I don’t go the 5 notches that I see in the baby right now. See, I tell people all the time, G-d has an incredible sense of humor.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-07-06T13:22:00.000-06:00

Appreciating life’s trials…Understanding their purpose.

To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. John 18:37b

Every day I learn something new. Whether it is about G-d, his word, or myself. I am always grateful because that’s an area in my life that no longer consists of darkness but now has light. I can’t tell you how far and how long it took me to get here. I used to hate having to go through anything because I felt like now that I am the kingdom I should be exempted from any form of suffering. I understood that Jesus was our example, but he volunteered and I didn’t feel as though I had signed on for that.

Over a period of time I have come into the understanding that within everything there is a greater purpose. In understanding that It allows me to turn my focus from what I am experiencing now so that I can look forward to where I am going. Meditation and imagination are very important to the faith process. When G-d formed the world her never focused on what was, only on what he wanted to see. Likewise when we experience things, the first thing we need to ask G-d is to ensure that I get the lesson from all that I go through. This has been a great challenge for me as the first thing I tend to do is try to figure out what I did wrong first and then of course I come back to myself and begin the process of faith. With some things, I have been known to complain as well. I have to catch myself, because for me I have a tendency to ask G-d “Didn’t I go through enough as a child?” Dang! At this age I should be enjoying peace and quiet. But I am reminded in Hebrews 5:8 that even Jesus learned obedience by the things that he suffered. If he’s my example, then these things have a purpose.

But my trials, setbacks and experiences have a greater purpose. You see the only way to truly trust someone is to have experience with that person over an extended period of time. That’s the only way you can truly be sure of who they really are. Likewise, with G-d the only way I can learn to truly trust him in all things is to have experience with him in all of these situations. With each new thing, I learn a different aspect of his character. That’s the purpose. I remember in Job, all of his friends were attempting to tell him what G-d would and would not do--they knew the law and what he had written. (If you check the record Job experienced Deuteronomy 28--the good first, and then the bad.) But because they lacked true intimacy with G-d, they didn’t truly know his character. I realized through those chapters that if I lacked real intimacy with him, his word would simply be a book--a historical document. I knew that I too would be able to quote some scriptures and really not understand what they meant because he told me. That’s the purpose.

Now I have the ability to give people a testimony with scriptures to back it all up. I was privy to a lady’s personal testimony of overcoming just the other day with the things that I am going though now and it really blessed me. Here I was expecting to be cleaning the bathrooms at church by myself, and here she comes. I knew that G-d placed her there just for me. Her testimony gave me rest in my spirit. When my SF got up the following night and went a little further in what she said, I not only have rest, but I have peace. Someday, I too will be sharing mine with someone else. That’s the ultimate purpose.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am for this time even if things get to a point of being uncomfortable. You see, I have made my relationship with G-d the model for all other relationships. Time and experience first--then trust. I had that thing backwards and I have come to regret those times. Besides, I realize that I have to want him in my corner more than anyone else. I used to look for validation in all the wrong places. Now, if G-d said it to me--the hell with what others think. His validation is all I need. All of it has shaped me into the person that I am. It’s shaped me for life and equipped me for ministry. Now, I truly understand the purpose.

Be Blessed.

Chosen.

2006-07-02T00:52:00.000-06:00

Mama made the difference…

I was reading before I went to bed tonight as I often do and I decided to pick up a book I recently ordered which is Bishop T.D. Jakes' new book “Mama made the Difference.” Mind you at this time I am reading several other books, (Yes all at the same time) right now because I am trying to occupy my mind. Reading has always been my thing. It was the one thing I have forever been able to depend on. When I had no one or nothing I would always find myself in a public library checking out books if I had no money to buy them. Ever since I latched on to Amazon.com, Half.com and resale book shops I have been able to afford to feed and nurture my love of books. I derive such pleasure from buying a new one or getting one in the mail. But the whole book thing is another post.

In the first chapter of this book, Bishop Jakes discusses how his mother taught him how to believe in G-d. At the end of the chapter he asks how our mothers taught us to believe in G-d and there is a prayer. Now my mother and I have a very strained relationship. I love her and I believe that somewhere in her she loves me. It may not be what I need it to be now or what I needed as a child but I think that she still loves me. I realized of late that it is not that I don’t forgive her for all of her mistakes or even understand that surely it was not her desire to make those that she did, it’s just that my heart has been severely affected by them. Her continuous mistreatment of me even as an adult now, keeps me and her at very far arms length. She believes everyone but me, hooks up with people who do not like me and truly just treats me as if I am the dumbest person walking the earth. Believe me, I wish that I was exaggerating. I have forgiven her, but forgiveness does not mean that I have to allow her back in my space nor put myself in her path to hurt me again.

With that said, I was totally prepared to answer that question at the end of the first chapter by saying that she never taught me about G-d as a child. She never took me to church or prayed with me or over me--to my knowledge. But Father reminded me that I was wrong.

You see, it was her that taught me to believe in G-d. In her periods of abandonment of me someone else was allowed to send me to summer day camp where the Catholic nuns gave me pictures of Jesus and sang songs about G-d. In her mistreatment of me, it was him that I learned to cry to and talk to. It was she that kept me on my knees to him as a child desiring that he would help me. It was her that taught me that if I had no one else, I had him. That was her way of teaching me about G-d. She may not ever know it or realize it, but she gave me the greatest gift possible in all of that mess.

To go even further, it was her that taught me to be the voracious reader that I am, to treat my kids differently. To hug them a little tighter. To tell them constantly that they are loved, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and destined for more than they can even begin to imagine. What looked like a curse, really isn’t. The enemy wants me to believe that it is. But in that is the paradox of the blessing. Now I know how Joseph felt and what he meant in Genesis 50:20 when he said But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

Whole generations have been affected by my love for G-d and my all consuming desire to serve him. So when it comes down to it, My mama truly did make the difference. And I would not change a thing.

If you don’t have the book or have read it already, get it--as I have skipped through and looked at others chapters and I know that neither I, nor you will be disappointed with it.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-06-30T19:26:00.000-06:00

Taking the unpopular stand…

Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets. Luke 6:26

(I’m venting--but it has a purpose still)

I have realized lately that I am becoming more and more unpopular. Not because I am not a good person, an honest person or whatever the case may be. The problem is not me, it’s the words that come out of my mouth or the words that I write. I thought I was past this stage because I am in the company of other Christians, but I guess was wrong.

Most of us encounter this whole spiel when we first get saved and we begin to attempt to walk the way the word tells us to go and we are so on “fire” with our new changes that we preach to anyone who will listen. We just want to share what G-d has done for us with everyone. Sooner or later our “friends and family” extinguish us because our new found life is aggravating to them. They aren’t ready to change and therefore we are wasting our time and energy trying to bring more converts to the kingdom. (besides our walk is stronger than our words). So we eventually get the picture and shut up. Or to keep up with them we compromise ourselves so that we can still hang on to old relationships.

I expect unsaved people to have a problem with me if I am preaching to them and they didn’t ask for it. But other saints? You would think that we would want the truth of G-d’s word because we are claiming him as our Father, we are call ourselves saved and we say we love G-d. So then why you get mad when I won’t validate your mess? Why then do you have to talk about me, get mad at me, want to fight me? What is up with that?

First of all, being saved does not mean that we are perfect or that we don’t have faults or that we don’t suffer from issues. We do. I DO. I struggle with just being me. It’s some stuff in there that I never thought was there. (When you ask G-d to show you yourself, It’s an eye-opener). Nevertheless, as saints we are supposed to set the standard. We should walk and act differently than others. But for some reason when you decide that you will not compromise your walk as another person is more willing to do, automatically I must have some secret sin somewhere or you are then labeled as judgmental and critical? Get a grip! Walking the walk is really not that difficult. The enemy just tries to get us to believe that. And since we encounter so many other saints that aren’t really doing it, it’s easy for us to develop those habits as well. They like to say “Relax girl, G-d will forgive you”. Heffa, I am relaxed!(see I told you, i'm still under construction) Gossiping is relaxing? Since when? And yes he has forgiven me, but does that then mean that I still shouldn’t grow up?! Just because I don’t want to hang out on the parking lot after church and gossip about stuff that doesn’t concern me nor interest me--that’s just me. You do you, I’ll do me. I have been on the other end of enough erroneous conversations to not want to spend all my time doing it about someone else. And there is a big difference between gossip and truth!

It’s so irritating! Just because you ask me something and I don’t validate it or you start to regurgitate some mess and I cut you off does not mean I’m judging you. I simply don’t agree anymore. And yeah I have done my share of mess. But I realize that I did most of that because I really didn’t appreciate who I was yet. So if not compromising makes me unpopular so be it. That’s so high school anyway!

Sheesh! And furthermore, I have been through enough HELL to want to make better choices for me. I am 32--I don’t want to be 50 still making the same idiotic mistakes I made when I was 20. Shoot, I already need G-d to redeem the time as it is! If you don’t mind continuing on as always--have your way.

And don’t take it personal because I have to cut you off because you don’t like my prophet. I can not have you in my space and you are speaking negatively about him. We have to part ways. Simple as that. The word says be careful how you hear (Luke 8:18). Your negativity will contaminate me from being able to receive the words vital to my life. Your negativity will keep me from getting the breakthrough I need and ultimately disconnect me from a man I know G-d gave to me specifically. If you don’t like him, fine. Go somewhere else--find another church. I have hopped around from place to place enough to know they are not all created equal. Remember, it’s not personal. I still love ya, but I’m like Simon Peter in John 6:68--to whom else shall I go?! You may can go, but i'm planted and I intend to stay there until G-d moves me.

It’s the same with the other people at the church or anywhere else, I have to be able to receive a word from them at any given moment. G-d likes to use those we least expect to have the nugget that will deliver us and carry us from one level to the next. Your mess will contaminate my ability to do that.

My point, I could care less about being liked or even popular. And yeah sometimes the stuff ignorant people are saying to me, about me, and doing to me hurts my feelings. BUT--I happen to remember this scripture…

But the king shall rejoice in God; every one that sweareth by him shall glory: but the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped. Psalm 63:11

And I happen to know that as long as I don’t fight you back and keep my mouth off of you, he’ll handle things for me. G-d has taught me that if you are doing what he says do, and it makes you unpopular, you're on the right track. I would only be worried if I was suddenly liked by everyone.

Whew…I feel better now.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-06-27T14:13:00.000-06:00

Being Obedient to the Father…

If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land: Isaiah 1:19

As a mother this is a subject that is daily communicated in my house. I work throughout the day completing various tasks and I really don’t like to have to repeat myself over and over. I never wanted to be hard on my children but sometimes I have to be to make my point. My daughter often says that I want them to be perfect. And that is a lie. How could I expect something that I know is impossible for them? I have learned that children and even adults, use that crutch as there own bit of witchcraft to get things to be as lenient as they desire. I want my children to be obedient because without discipline there is chaos. It’s a principle that they can’t see that has a greater benefit down the road.

Likewise, I seek to be as obedient to the Father as I possibly can be. I seek to please him. I also remember that when I was out there in the world, there were some things that I suffered as a result of lacking the ability to adhere to the small things. Like for instance, once I decided to date a CRIP when I was sixteen (umm, yeah ME) and even though this boy’s mother warned me that he was no good, I simply believed that she was too hard on him. He however, treated me like a queen. I thought they were mistaken, right? Well, when I decided to end the relationship because he wanted some things that I was unwilling to give, he acted as if he was okay with that. But I later would catch glimpses of him all the time in places I was--I thought it was a mere coincidence. Right up until he called me a told me all the things I did in one day. This boy was stalking me. He eventually stopped, but at the time my brave heart was scared as HELL!

That memory alone should have been enough for me to never not heed that inner voice--which I later realized, was G-d, as it related to relationships and anything. NOT! But only now am I really getting the principle loud and clear. I see myself in the scriptures constantly. The children if Israel suffered a great number of things due to their disobedience. They fought battles that they would have never encountered had they simply adhered to G-d’s warnings. Deuteronomy 28 describes a bounty of blessings that G-d has promised if we diligently “hearken” to the voice of the Lord. Likewise it also details another list of curses if we disobey.

I look at my life lately--like really closely in the last 2 years, and I wonder where I could be today, had I been obedient to Father years ago. I had incredible goals--I still do. Few of which are in my life because I made one decision that turned into 8 more and the 8 turned into hundreds of other things. I am off track and the only way to get back on is through obedience and allowing all the things that are not in harmony to be rooted up. That in itself is a painful process, but the scriptures say that even Jesus learned obedience through the things that he suffered (Hebrews 5:8). Since he is my example, I know that I can conquer this area which diligence.

When I fuss at my kids, I am trying to teach them there are going to be times when they will only get one chance to be obedient. Not heeding me can result in them having to go through a myriad of things that could have been otherwise avoided. In learning this as a mother I understand Father more clearly when he tells me to do something. There is a greater purpose to what he is asking me to do. He sees what will happen down the road when things are not so “hunky dory.” He sees the pain and the heartache of having to take the long way around what could’ve been a short route. He sees me getting off track and trying to have to find my back. He saw it all. I approach listening to him in the small things and the greater ones a little different then I was first saved and leaned on his “grace” as a crutch for half-heartedly serving him. Eventually there were some things that he’s allowed me “bump my head” on because I continued o do things my way and not his. His grace simply kept it from being as bad as it could have been. But I find that it is sad that I have had to let some things get to the wire before I could surrender whole-heartedly.

I find great solace in that had I not disobeyed, I would never have known how great his mercy and grace really is. I also know from all of those experiences that the price of obedience is small in comparison to the greater expense of disobedience. Though I have a long way to go, as I am a true work in progress, I know the distance is shorter now than it was before and that I am far more willing to go the right way.
My kids will surely make a great deal of mistakes. There will be times when they will test obedience as well. I understand all of that. But for me, I am working on getting all lessons right the first time.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.
Feel free to check out my other blog Rivers as it has gone under a revamp for us Ladies!

2006-06-22T00:50:00.000-06:00

Trust…and other issues

I have trust issues. I know that I am not the only one. In some ways we all have some form of mistrust within us. Somewhere along the line someone broke their word, said something or acted in a manner which caught us off guard therefore instilling a breach within us that causes us to question whether or not we are able to “hand” ourselves to them. It’s extremely painful. Especially when everything in you wants to trust and you are struggling with it still.

I realized lately that it’s not normal nor natural for us to be this way. We are born in trust. Our mother’s trusted that we existed in them before they could see or feel. Before we ever arrive here, we dwell in the womb of a woman we only know by sound and often touch. We when finally actually come from within her, we can barely hear or see, yet we trust that we will be cared for by using nothing but our senses. We smell and hear our mothers before we can actually see them. But we know even then that if we cry out they come running to fulfill the need that we can’t communicate to them in words yet. Every time they show up, our trust and faith in them increases. We believe that they will and can do whatever we need them to do.

Before we love, we trust. It’s that trust that establishes our ability to love. Likewise when I first was saved, I learned first to trust what G-d could do for me. I really had no idea he would do so much. Little things like surrounding me with my favorite color or allowing me to see a sign that something was going to be worked out. Over the course of time he still does things for me, but he requires more of me. And my the battles have become larger and in the midst of failures, I have even lost my trust for some things with him. I trust him to get me to heaven, that all of my sins are forgiven--past, present and future and that the word that I spend time in is true. I know he’ll heal me because he did. In comparison it would seem that it would be simple to trust him in all things. Yet I often struggle with trusting him to show me how to get my life back on track, with my ability to see my way clear of things that I put myself in and even with my ability as one of his chosen. I don’t want to not trust him. Yet, sometimes…

I realized what the problem is. It’s love. I am in a relationship with him and I have some how placed him in the low degree of a person. I have some how jumbled my experiences of lost love and mistrust into my relationship with him. And the problem with most relationships is that we have unrealistic expectations in the area of love. We expect a love from flesh like that which can only come from Father--that unchanging, constant, all accepting, life altering love. One that sees the worst of me and accepts me and forgives me when I fall short. He’s always patient with me when I need to grow, the love from him that’s strong enough to endure hardship and struggle and time. “People” love can’t begin to go there. We can come close sometimes, but somewhere it will still fall short.

So I wondered how did I allow my mistrust to taint my love and relationship with him? It was the failures. Failure in any respect causes fear, and fear causes mistrust and mistrust affects love. Anything that we are ever in is conquerable (1 Corin 10:13). We simply have trust him to show us how to get ourselves out. My thing is more about failure than anything. I don’t want to fall again. (I am a witness that some falls are lot easier to get up from than others). I don’t not want to trust him and I know that it’s not my fault when I miss it and I fail. I have been feeling like my heart is fragile and thinking how great a step it is to place it into his hands completely. Then I read this scripture:

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Prov 3:5

I realize that somehow, I am going to have to surrender myself in those areas where I lack trust in him. I have to do it one step at a time, but it has to be done. I have to remove “me” from the equation and know that he will do it because of his love for me. My heart is fragile to me, but I am of a greater value to him than I am to myself. Otherwise I would have no need of deliverance in any area. He understands that all of me is fragile. Fathers understand that. And I am having to learn that as well.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-06-17T19:29:00.000-06:00

The power of FOCUS…

In the last few days I have been on a big emotional rollercoaster. It’s not something that I planned or even condone for myself. I believe that it is important to keep your emotions in check for the simple fact that you can not make clear G-d given choices that way. Our emotions have a way of deceiving us into believing a situation is far further gone than it really is. That eliminates us from having G-d’s view on the situation. And since he has the truth, you can’t see what he sees.

I was so raw on Thursday that I went to service trying to hold back everything I was feeling. I sat that there, still as if not to move so that I could keep myself together. I was just thinking that the message would be one that I could take home and study and that since I was not going to need it now, I’d surely need it later. I was set--good information I thought. And then he started in on me. He didn’t address me personally, but it was me. I can’t tell you how much I love my Spiritual Father. I know that I am blessed to sit under a Prophetic anointing. When I went to my last church, I learned some things, but I rarely got any questions that I had from my personal study answered or an answer to what I was going through that day. But since day one, I knew he was my Spiritual Father. When he answers any of us--he always says, “I don’t know why I said that, but it was for somebody”? It just tickles me.

Back to focus…the thing that I understand from Father is that it is always important to never allow yourself to focus on what you are in. Although I know that, It tends to be a little difficult when your circumstances are speaking louder day by day. (and some days, mine are screaming) You have to at all times maintain your vision--without one we perish (proverbs 29: 18). The enemy is not sending thoughts at us left and right to inconvenience us, he’s trying to kill the vision that’s in us so that we fail to obtain the things that G-d says we can have.

Our vision needs to be written down so that we can keep it before our eyes for the purpose of meditation. When it gets tight and tough, we have to read that vision over and over so that we can keep on focus tuned in to what G-d has said to us. I have the most extravagant things written down. I don’t think that I can even ask for too much or dream to big. I am his beloved. The apple of his eye. His favorite. His chosen. What could I possibly ask him for that he doesn’t want me to have? Nothing.

In the book of Esther, the king tell her that she can have up to half of his kingdom (Esther 5:3).
That’s a G-d given response for his favored. The reason she was his favorite was simply because she desired above all to please him. He taught me something months ago that got away from me last week. He told me to focus on him--who he is, his character, his integrity, what his word says. When you perfect that, nothing can be restrained from you. It’s the epitome of worship. I haven’t mastered it yet, obviously. I do however try to keep a conversation going with him my mind all day. Last week, I was talking, but I felt like he was ignoring me.

The point is that our mind can most often be connected to your circumstances. That and G-d placing you on hold until you learn to make him the focus. Deliverance is always about maturity. There is always a lesson that he is trying to teach. Nothing is ever wasted with him. I love that about him. I was reminded that I am only in it to learn something and because on the other end is there is a promotion. Deliverance is on the schedule, I simply have to focus on the lesson and him until the set time comes.

The enemy’s plot is for us to give up in the midst of waiting. I can’t afford to. As I say all the time, my kids need to see it work. It’s not enough to hear the testimonies of others. They need to see it work in their own household. So, no matter what I want to obtain the victory so that always know that they were there to witness it for themselves. It’s building their faith and trust in Father as well. I want always be able to carry them on my faith. Eventually they will have stand on their own.

So, like Job, I am simply going to wait until my change comes ( Job 14:14).

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-06-14T21:57:00.000-06:00

Charting the course….

Now it came to pass on a certain day, that he went into a ship with his disciples: and he said unto them, Let us go over unto the other side of the lake. And they launched forth.
Luke 8:22

Every time I prepare to write a post I begin to wire with no holds barred and then I end up having to go back and remove things simply because it is no the time for me to share certain things (sorry). It has nothing to do with some deep spiritual revelation or anything. It’s the personal stuff that is transpiring behind the scenes as I write every day that would probably be too much for most people to even believe. Some of you are really gonna be shocked when I begin to peel the layers back--umm.. probably not here-but somewhere…

With that said, I have 23 days until my lease ends and I still don’t know where I am supposed to move yet. With G-d I know that is the proverbial “hide and seek” type of thing. I am operating the faith that I know how. I am packing boxes, and cleaning out mess. Waiting for G-d to reveal the secret to me.

He knows where I am supposed to be, I just have to spend time looking at homes and going through the motions while spending extensive time with him until he revels it to me. I don’t have a problem with that since this time around I want to make sure that I go exactly where he wants me to be. I know that I just can’t live anywhere and expect to be blessed. G-d truly is a G-d of places. He was specific about where he placed his people. Even in the beginning Adam wasn’t just anywhere, he was in the garden that G-d planted east-ward.

I’m trying to get to my own personal garden because Adam had everything he wanted, needed and desired in that garden. And since I have his testimony to remind me to be obedient while there, I’ll keep that word before my eyes! Of course therein is the key to getting there is that Adam allowed G-d to make everything that he knew would be good for him. Adam did not have his hand in the pot. So I have decided to keep my hand out of it as much as possible. I just want his perfect will in all things. I don’t have time to redo nothing at thin juncture.

Now, I have to tell you that whenever you chart the course for perfect will all hell breaks loose in your life. When you find yourself in a place where you know nothing that’s there is a part of the original plan, then you begin to do the shift and things immediately go in a million different directions. If anyone would have told me that at some point that when you begin to really walk with G-d, I would come under these kind of attacks, I would have called them a lie to their face.
When I freshly saved, I just wanted to serve G-d. And because he works so many things out for you then, you just go at it. Initially for me though I was under severe attack even then. It’s one of the main reasons why I did turn back for a minute. But now 8 years later, it’s supposed to be easier right? Well, I’m still waiting for that. But I have charted the course. I’m confessing my scriptures, looking at my pictures for meditation, reading my word, listening to tapes.

And I have surrendered. Whatever that does not line up with the course will have to go. It’s hard to do, because things never get smoother when you get here. It’s seemingly get’s worse. So I am in a very difficult place. I feel pressed and anxious and emotional. Whenever I get to a place that’s difficult, I write and I buy books. I’ll find a book somewhere and buy it. With all the packing that I have to do, Saturday I went to a sale at the library and bought a huge brown paper sack of books for $3. I bought mostly books for the kids and some for me that I have no idea when I’ll have to read. But they will be there when I get to them. And a bible. (I have this thing with buying old bibles in any translation--another post).

Anyway, I was reminded that Jesus was on the ship with the disciples and though other ships were on the water, on theirs was affected by the storm. And in Matthew 8 says that disciples were following him into the ship. I know G-d wooed me to this point, but as I say all the time knowing something and then dealing with the reality of it doesn’t make it any easier. I know I’m in some stuff that other people aren’t experiencing. I know that we suffer things that are common (1 Corin 10:13) But maybe not all things at the same time. I also remembered that though Jesus was on the ship with them, the disciples were still in a panic. I understand that G-d is working behind the scenes, he’s with me and I know that BUT…

So, today--I am standing on his word. Waiting for the storm to pass over.
“Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus”. Philippians 3:12-14

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-06-12T00:35:00.000-06:00

Let the Battle be won in your silence…
From "Confessions of a Beautiful Woman" by Michele Rene Matthews

“…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak”. Ecclesiastes 3:7b

I have to tell you that I love to talk as much as I love to listen. And especially to women. I think there is a uniqueness to the view of a woman that keeps me constantly desiring to know the story behind the woman. I see women while driving in my car and I literally find myself wondering what things brought her to the point she is in and what advice or things she has learned as a result of those experiences. I used to think I was nosy, but now I understand that in my desire to help other women I find myself simply drawn to women this way. I find that completely unlike me because growing up all of my best friends were always guys. (Too many bad experiences with women. The wrong women) But that’s a whole other post. Women are natural story tellers. Our wisdom is infinite in the retelling of the past events of our lives and even the current things we are experiencing.

I have had a great friend for many years now, and I realized this week that the friendship has come to an end. Not because we dislike each other but simply because G-d has revealed some things and I have to heed him instead of my flesh. So, I find myself at a point in my life where I really don’t have anyone to talk to. I believe that’s a good thing. There are things that I am encountering now that I need to keep between me and G-d. I realize I don’t need the distraction of fighting off other people’s opinions because when it gets down to it, G-d’s opinion is the only one that counts anyway.

Day by day I have been in some form of a battle in my life. It seems as if it has been one continuous season. I understand the point of the enemy is to wear me out (Daniel 7:25). Recently I learned that some things that I had been waiting on would’ve happened if I had simply been silent when G-d revealed them to me. Telling everything to people also reveals it to the enemy. He’s not all knowing or seeing. He can’t work against you sometimes as long as you keep your mouth shut. G-d gives us a glimpse of our prophecy to strengthen us in the battle. What we do is run and tell it instead of being silent.

The are 2 things that G-d has been teaching me lately about my words.

#1 I have to watch everything that I say. I have in the past lacked discretion. I figured if it is my friend and my best one at that, I could tell them anything. Not so. First of all, I needed to keep some stuff between me and G-d. Only he can handle my truth. And my prophecy. You see oftentimes G-d will show us things and we are so excited that we then go and share those things with the people that we think we can trust. But Micah 7:5 says Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom. **side note When the text refers to the disciple that Jesus loved being in his bosom, (John 13:23) it was not talking about him laying on his chest. That is a Jewish idiom that refers to one he trusted and revealed things to. That’s also why we see later on that same disciple being the author of the final book of the bible.-end of side note** There is a reason that G-d warns in Micah to keep our mouth. I have found that sometimes those closest to us don't realize all that G-d has for us.

When we share things, they are often not ready nor able to handle our prophecy. We are just excited, and they can be doubtful and even jealous. All of that released into the atmosphere works against our manifestation. Part of that too, is that G-d will not reveal certain things to us because we can’t keep them to ourselves. If you study the text on dreams in the bible symbolic dreams are given to those who repeated them. Visions and literal dreams were given to those that were trusted to share them at an appointed time. We don’t know who to really trust. Only G-d really knows who is really in our corner. Not everyone that is there now, will be there when we go to the next level. Nor will G-d allow us to go to that level without stripping us of those people.

#2 is that I have had to learn about speaking is that even if a thing is true it is not required that I say it. The Jewish rabbis teach a lesson from the Talmud called Leshon Hara or “bad Tongue”. It refers to any statement that is true but that lowers the status of the person about whom it is said. I have learned that it is not what is said necessarily, but the intent in which it is spoken. God warns of the same thing in Ephesians 4 :29-- Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Often times I have been guilty of saying things in anger and frustration. It wasn’t that it wasn’t true, but it was still wrong. If I had mentioned it in a different context, it would’ve been fine. But I knew my intent when I said it. I have had to repent. I don’t mean simply say repent. I mean literally repent. Often we say that without ever changing which is the whole point of repentance. G-d asks for repentance so that we acknowledge that we need change in that area. I have found that this is part of my daily cross.

The other day I ordered Chele’s book--"Confessions of a Beautiful Woman" . It is a beautifully written, poetic book. (***Big shout out to Chele--your book has blessed me!***) It has made a profound impact on me. Her piece on Silence spoke volumes to me. There was G-d all over one statement that I have latched onto. Let the battle be won in your silence…

That was G-d speaking to me personally. He reminded me of when the Jesus was accused after he was arrested he answered them not. He held his power in the silence that he gave them. People have said things that aren’t true. They think things that are not true. I don’t need to argue or try to prove my innocence. The battle is not mine but G-d’s. I know from him that the reason why our enemies are never handled by him is that we interfere by spouting things back about them. It’s as if we are saying he himself is not capable of handling our enemies for us. I understand now why David never took it upon himself to avenge himself of Saul. He understood that if he truly belonged to G-d, so did Saul. Therefore though it was hard he and even scary at times, he had to leave him in G-d’s hand for him to handle. I likewise must do that with every situation. “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” 1Peter 5:7

I must trust in his care of me. In that I must let my words be few.

Be Blessed. Chosen.

2006-06-08T14:42:00.000-06:00

First Works…Understanding the Ministry of a wife

Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love. Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent. Rev 2:4-5

I have to tell you, I am not a hypocritical person, at all. I don’t mind telling people the issues that I have. I am in no way perfect. I still have areas in my life that are far from maturity. When I say things I am always the first partaker of the message. I never point fingers at people because

I don’t judge what people do in the flesh. We are all working on something. I am sure someone out there is wondering “what does she do?” especially since we have been tainted in our minds against preachers. We forget that they are people and they are subject to habits as everyone else. Though Jesus already told us that none is “good” but the Father (Matthew 19:17). Still we think that are not allowed to have issues. In any case, one of my areas of immaturity is the area of marriage.

I have to tell you that I thought I had conquered this thing a couple of years ago. G-d had showed me the things that a home should be operating in and the very nature of a wife. I did it well. But then some new things happened and I literally said the hell with it. So I have neglected some areas that I used to tend to as it relates to my husband.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I love to cook. I can cook anything. Cooking used to be the greatest part of my day. I spent more time in the kitchen then anywhere else. (Hence the up and down battle with weight) Bt I don’t cook like I used to anymore. Mainly because I have to prepare 2 separate meals and I just got tired of doing that 2 or 3 times a day. My husband is southern but he does not enjoy southern fare. He is for the most part a junk food eater. I like “real” food. Veggies, bread, roast (beef, never pork). I desire to cook that and he wants tacos. Now mind you I knew all of this prior to getting married. (I thought I would win him over to my tastes. But ten years later, it’s the same).

So a couple of years ago, G-d had showed me that despite all of that, it was still my responsibility to do it accordingly. And I did. Until things changed and I became angry, “I can just ignore you wife”. Yesterday I was reading SugarGirls blog and she confirmed some things that G-d had spoken to me and though I didn’t like it, I understand his point. I realize that I am too ignorant to argue with him. Now, this morning while in the kitchen preparing brunch--he reminded me of Rev 2:4-5. So here I am.

Now, surely I am not a dumb person. I know I should be doind things differently. But my “excuse” has been, I wouldn’t have done that if he had never--any number of things. When God gives you instructions, it really does not matter who is right or wrong. All he wants you to do is what he asked you to do. You can complain all you want, and he’ll ignore what you re asking him about until you HEAR him in what he said and get it. Once you slow down and shut up, and HEAR him, then he’ll answer him. But you not going to “over talk” him as my mother used to say.

Now I said all of this, because as a woman, it is my sole responsibility to create the atmosphere of my home. As a wife it’s my duty to do what is necessary regardless of what I feel. My home is a ministry. Ministry work has to be done whether I feel like it or not on some days. I am sending the wrong signal to my children as well. If everything else is right but one thing is off, they’ll pick up on the one wrong thing. Being a wife means keeping a servant heart. You are never serving people anyway. You are serving G-d. We learn how to serve people by serving him through people.

G-d desires that we “get over” ourselves enough to do all things as unto him. Pointing fingers if both trivial and immature. He could really care less about what someone else has done to you once he has given you orders to things his way. I have to allow him to deal with me and not worry about when he deals with them. I have enough to focus on with just me. I was reminded this morning that operating in maturity is being able to remain the same despite circumstances or situations. It’s easy to do all the things the way he wants you to when things are all flowery and lovely--the real test comes when you have to continue in the first works after the rose colored glasses come off.

I am also reminded that every thing is a seed. So I need to sow the best seed for future harvests regardless of what the field looks like today. I may not reap that harvest--good or bad--over here, but somewhere along the line, it’s coming. Our Father is so awesome that he will teach you how to exist in any situation until it’s time for your Exodus, whether it’s your home, your job and even your church. It’s not that he doesn’t know or understand what you are going through, but he needs you to do is to focus on doing the first works regardless, as unto him. When you look at it that way, it’s easier to handle. Being able to do it his way kills the flesh in that area and teaches you humility and meekness.

I am reminded of the children of Israel when G-d tells them that they could’ve escaped in 11 days yet they circled the same mountain so that he could humble them and prove them (Deut 8:2).

For me, in all situations, I just want things right with him. I want to have that clean heart David was crying out to G-d for in Psalm 51.

I shared this, because one day it may be of value to someone else.

As always, Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-06-07T18:40:00.000-06:00

Learning from our Mistakes….

Okay--here are some questions that I was asked on yesterdays post that I just had to answer…
T said…

"I gotta keep it real on this one (hope you don't get offended). But I was JUST talking with someone the other day about how irritating it is for people who have already been "out there" and done everything under the sun to enter the ministry and to tell others "don't do that." In your case, you even lived with your hubby before marriage and I assume you're still married to him...so what can one of your single "disciples" possibly get from that? There's no lesson there. Essentially, you received your "fruit" i.e. your mate while doing the "wrong" thing, so what would their incentive be to do the "right" thing, i.e. not shack up? But this concept is not exclusive to you. Heck, I have an uncle who's now a preacher who did a lot of dirt before marriage (like 3 out-of-wed kids), but every Sun. morning I presume he's getting up there telling others what not to do. Just makes me squirm a little..."

First off, I have to say that I am never offended--Psalms 199:165 say that if you love the word you can’t be offended--why? Because the word is the truth. Not only that, I really don’t have a problem with answering questions. When I was little my momma used to say the only dumb question is the one not asked. That’s too true.

The reason I can warn others about not being out there shacking and having sex prior to marriage IS because I did it. It’s the experience and the pain of the situation that causes me to sit at my desk and write to other women and warn them. When I was out there having sex, I was essentially giving away a piece of myself to people who were both unworthy of the gift and unworthy of me. Whenever I hear a woman say that she loves herself and yet her actions say otherwise, I know that she has yet to understand what real love is. Truth be told, if you even like yourself, you won’t lay down with anybody.

There’s an exchange that takes place in the act of sex. The man is taking and the woman is giving. You know it’s true because why else would she then do completely insane stuff when he decides to move on or cheat--she sits outside his house, calls him ferociously and hangs on to someone who can’t see the value that’s in her. Fornication creates a “soul-tie”. It’s something that really only G-d can deliver you from. As I said yesterday a woman’s body is not designed to receive seed from every man. You can be allergic to man seed. Hence infections and cancers--because every illness has a spiritual side. It’s really sad that our bodies then know that and we still are too ignorant to get it.

And yes, I did shack, club, drink and smoke prior to marriage. It was fun too. I have to admit. But looking back, I wish I was smarter. I don’t regret the things that I did because I understand that that’s how I learned who I was. It’s from those errors that I truly understand how valuable I am . You know, I hear “G-d is better to us than we are to ourselves”. A truer statement can’t be made in that respect. It’s like in the garden when Adam and Eve sinned, they chose fig leaves for a covering and G-d chose mink. We don’t value ourselves the way he does. All those people we have on our lists he would have never given us.

I warn women, especially young women, because some of those relationships I barely made it out with my sanity! It was those “soul-ties”. The damage is not momentary it’s a struggle to eradicate all of those things out of you afterwards. There is a certain level of death that occurs in you after a “hellish” relationship. I realize that some people don’t make it out alive. They die either physically or emotionally. I happen to believe physical death is far simpler than the emotional. The trust that was G-d given has been replaces with the enemy’s fear and shame. Not only that but as women, we are trained to settle. That’s what women’s liberation is all about. “I can do it myself--I don’t need a man”. Okay, then why does G-d say that it’s not good that man should be alone?(Genesis 2:18) So then G-d is lying?

You have to learn how to exist without one until the one for you comes along, but women were created to be cared for loved and to care for and love. We really are the weaker vessel. We desire to be strong, and we are. Weak doesn’t imply incapable but that we have the understanding that we lack something that has to be added back in. The strength that’s in us there to under gird who G-d gives to us. You ever notice how no matter what you did for a man--you tried to help him get himself together or help him propel to another level physically, emotionally, career-wise and it didn’t work--no matter what you did? Your strength was not designed for that man. But we end up expelling the strength that we were given for a specific man on men that it was wasted on. Then when you do finally get the genuine--if you are so fortunate and so few are due to impatience--you have very little left to give him and you end up treating him like all the counterfeits treated you. We were created for someone--that’s why The story of eve being pulled out of Adam is there. Every chapter is infused with a lesson to show us the way.

You “cringe” because you are tricked into believing that it’s hypocritical of people to have done the things that others are still yet doing and now that we’ve stopped, to warn them. It would be ignorant not to. We are battle worn and torn from those experiences. And I happen to believe that there’s always an element left behind of those things to remind us of what we went through so that we don’t “return to our vomit“. I myself used to “cringe” because I was not yet ready to let go of the possibility of doing those so I resented someone trying to keep me from them. It’s the enemy’s trick to get us to believe that we are missing something if we don’t experience everything that people warn us from. And G-d has others warn us because he knows that it’s just the enemy’s way of bringing forms of captivity to us.

And back to the shacking, If G-d would allow me to list all the hell I have been through as a result of my husband and I being ill-prepared and immature. We are both great people. We simply forgot to count the cost of our actions. And why shack prior to getting married anyway? If you are so sure that this is who you are supposed to be with, why not go for the gusto and get married anyway? The fact that you have to shack prior is an indication that you are already unsure whether it will really work. So therein lies the question--if you already have reservations why even afterward go forward and get married. People who say “we know we’ll get married eventually, so we’re going to live together” are really just taking a test run because they really aren’t sure. Shacking is a form of immaturity--whether it be financially, emotionally, whatever the case may be. Somewhere in that relationship there’s some doubt or something that they feel needs time for change so they are simply waiting on that to take place. If they are honest with themselves they’d admit that. (sheesh…I had to go back and read that myself) People who get married after shacking, usually do so, not because they really want to, but because they shacked. They don’t want to feel as if they have wasted this period of time in their life instead of realizing that that’s the reason not to get married.

Now, I wrote all of that to say, that you can not get what G-d has for you going about it the wrong way. If you are now “saved”. The word of G-d says old things are passed away (2 Corin 5:17). You should operate in the world the way that G-d desires you too. Not like you used to. Operating in the kingdom lines up with the word because G-d and his word are one. He is not going to get your spouse through fornication. It would be a violation of truth. Anything that looks as if it’s the what he has for you, will soon show it’s true colors. The word says that every good and perfect gift is from above (James 1:17) it also says that the blessing of the Lord, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it (Proverbs 10:22). If you study Genesis chapter 1 when G-d said something was good, nothing has to be added to that. If you got to fix it, repair it, compromise for it, settle for it--that was not G-d. You just have to be honest with yourself and say I may have missed it. What G-d has for you, will not require you to step down to the level of someone who has no covenant with him, and do what they had to do.

I realize that we are not perfect and we will make mistakes and quite frankly it’s because of those mistakes that allow some of us to serve him a wholeheartedly as we do. I write and speak so that maybe someone will learn from what I did, and to have to experience it. I say this all the time--I don’t have to screw everybody and get AIDS to realize that it’s real and that it’s painful and that it can lead to death for me to believe that testimony of those who have it. There are some things I don’t have to experience to believe and to understand. That’s what I hope women who read my blog will get. Some of us failed because no one did tell us and as it relates to the church, if you don’t tell people why and show them how to conquer these things, you waste your time telling them not to.

I know I was long winded, but I assure you I had originally planned to have a paragraph answer. If this answer blesses you, thank G-d. I have had to go back and read this post myself several times before even posting it! If you have some time, I would suggest you stop by Sugar Girls place and read her powerful testimony on this very subject.

**The answer to the other question about what “saved” is. Will be posted on my “Rivers” blog.

Be blessed--as always…
Chosen

2006-06-06T13:10:00.000-06:00

At the suggestion of Serenity I am posting this because I think it may be helpful to single people. I have talked about this before--but this time it’s in a question and answer format. It’s long--and I warn you, you may be offended if you don’t truly love the word!

Serenity Asked…
What are your thoughts on unequally yoked? I know that a general consensus is if someone is not of the same belief. But what about folks that are not where you are spiritually. For instance if you make God the head of your life in everything (at least you attempt to) and you meet a man who is going to church, but God isn't the head of his life and he's not studying the word? Or what about someone who isn't saved at all?

I answered…
I'm not an expert or anything, but I watch people and I study relationships that I happen to come into contact with.
When the word refers to unequally yoked it refers to it in all points. What we fail to understand is that maturity is a process. We should at least be in the same place starting out. Women have a tendency to pick people based on potential. We don't understand that you can't rise any higher than your head. The man is the head of a woman. If he is immature, you can't even work out of you the things that you need to overcome while you are connected to that man.

We also don't understand that G-d would not send us an immature man because that would be a snare. G-d gives us men that are WHOLE because in his eyes a man must be able to love his wife as G-d loves the church. G-d gave everything for the church. A man must be able to carry his household in all points. Biblically a man was the sole support of the home. G-d rarely even addressed a woman the way he addressed a man. You are supposed to submit to this man. How can you submit to a man who has not made G-d his head? That’s why the scripture says submit to him as is fit--he’s supposed to be submitted to G-d first! That's why the warning is there in the word and that's why he was always telling them about not hooking up with everybody.
If you think about it, G-d really only talks about 2 things in his word--loving/serving him only and watching who you hook up with. Everything else is a branch of those 2 things.

Going to church is nothing. It's just a place. But the word says if you abide in me, he'll abide in us. Abiding is a work. You have to read the word, hear it, speak it and work at living it. If you hook up with someone and they are not where you are spiritually, they will take you backwards instead of forwards. Even if you start out at the same place, you have to keep up with one another. Not just in the word, but in reading, learning, fitness. You have to maintain a level where both people can be happily confined in the relationship. If one doesn't do that, you open the door for divorce because you can't even communicate effectively. Your thinking is elevated and theirs is not.

I watch people go through this time and again because what they don't understand is, eventually something is going to happen that the one who was spiritually in another place will begin to cleave to G-d and they will resent the other person for their lack of cleaving. What's in you in a moment of crisis or pain or whatever the situation may be, will come forth in the form of the word and you will revert back. But if there is nothing in the other person, they won't understand how you are able to react the way you do. A man can say he fears G-d, but in that fear there must be some serving in the form of walking the walk. G-d and his word are one. How can you then say you fear him and you won't make contact with him in his word? So then if you don't love G-d wholly, how can you then really love me? A woman is supposed to benefit from the relationship a man has with G-d and vice versa. All the stuff we go through with G-d teaches us how to go through things with people. If they don't have that, can the relationship really make it? Only if the man catches up and changes. And if not, then only if the woman is willing to settle and compromise. But she must be aware then that she will be carrying that family spiritually which is exhausting when trials hit!

Maturity should take place in the dating stage over an extended period of time. Otherwise that person should not even be considered for marriage.

Then Serenity said and asked…
That brought on a whole other question now. I recently finished a book called Saved, Single & Having Sex by Ty Adams. She kind of pointed out that when you are saved, you no longer date in the same manner you use to. However, she doesn’t' really outline it in detail. I can see just from myself a change. But once I do meet a man, question is how do you date? Or get to know whether someone is where you need him to be with his walk? Last week that a man sat next to me in church and he was attractive, but I couldn't even entertain him b/c I asked him what type study bible he had and he didn’t' know and didn’t seem like he even picked it up outside of bringing it to church. I don’t' want anybody hindering me or pulling me back. I got enough of my own demons and past to have quite enough to battle.

I haven’t read that book and I have only heard a little here and there about it.
The thing that I have noticed is that single people aren’t being taught how to date effectively after getting saved. My Spiritual Father does a lot of teaching on relationships because as a prophet he is supposed to pull down and to destroy…(Jeremiah 1:10). 85-90% of the people that are married in our ministry will end up divorced in the next couple of years. That’s his job. Most of them are unhappy and have ended up with the wrong people and you know half the husbands don’t even go to church. In the respect of knowing whether they are where they should be--Can he teach you something from the word? Does what his mouth says and his actions line up? Can he correct you from the word? Can he take correction from you from the word? Submission is 2-fold. Both parties must submit to one another where the word is concerned.

First of all, saved women (and really just women in general) need to stop acting so desperate. You do not have to take any man that comes your way. Being saved should make you more aware of what you do not want because you had that in the world! You are in the kingdom now. Your mind is supposed to be renewed to doing things G-d’s way! That is why the scripture says that old things are passed away. Daughter’s of Zion don’t get their spouses the same way women in the world have to get their’s--by any means necessary--Just taking whatever comes thinking that there is a shortage. There is no shortage. God knew when you were going to enter the kingdom. Moreover, he knew that you would need a mate. He has been preparing that man for you! You just have to be willing to wait on what he has for you. Can’t no one take the man he has for you. You are not subject to men on the down low, those in jail, or broke men! You’re a daughter! A real father prepares his best for his child! G-d is a REAL Father!

Take it from a married woman, you want a man that is in the word and that has made G-d his priority. Your home will be a ministry not a deliverance ministry. You don’t have time to be converting no man, trying to get him in church, teach him the word, get him off drugs, alcohol, or keep him from hoeing! You don’t have time for that! The man G-d has for you is whole-he’s in the church, he’d dealt with his issues, and he will be financially stable. Women in the church don’t believe G-d is capable of that so they get anxious and they use the same tactics an unsaved woman is subject to. What about not being conformed to the mindset of the world? If you do it the world way, you get the devil’s man. He’ll be packaged lovely, but give him some time when the ribbon is old and the box is funky!

The reason some of us have HIV and have down low men in the church is because we got spouses the way the women in the world got them--without consulting G-d. Men are in there looking for women that are saved because as I heard one down low man say--”they are good wives and they don’t cheat and they have been taught to submit. So they put up with anything!” The devil is a lie!

The problem is with women--we don’t trust G-d in the area of finding us a mate. We think he’s going to give us something that we don’t want. As if he is stupid or don’t know what you want, you need and really desire. He knows some stuff about you that you still don’t know yet! With G-d you’ll get more than you asked for because that’s the type of Father he is!
I have been taught that in the dating process, you never spend time with a man who is not really a candidate in your mind for marriage. You have to limit the touching and feeling because it clouds your judgment as far as it relates to your discernment. G-d will tell you stuff but we often ignore what he says because our flesh is involved. And there must be maturity in all areas--spirituality, mentally, financially.

I have also been taught that if a man is not willing to pay bills and expenses in the dating stage, you can not expect his mind to change to that notion after you are married. Women tend to think that’s puts them in the same category as a ho? Why? The most valuable thing G-d has given to us is time. Why shouldn’t a man be willing to do that type of stuff for you prior to getting married? Biblical dating came with gifts. But you also never accept gifts from someone you neither like nor consider a suitable candidate. Ho’s accept money from anyone and anyone can have her time for a fee. That’s the difference.

Pray before accepting any date because everyone is not even worthy of your time nor attention. Thinking something about yourself is not being haughty. It’s understanding your identity as A Daughter of the King! We have to put away childish things…In high school we dated whoever smiled at us, gave us some phony compliment and looked good, dressed well, etc. That’s stupid! We have to grow up in the fact that we are somebody special--we have something to offer and just anybody can’t do it for us. Most of us just need to look at our record to realize that we are too dumb (yep, I said it) to pick a man for ourselves. Everything we have ever picked has hurt us. That alone should be enough to back off, and shift our focus. The theory that G-d helps those that helps themselves is neither biblical nor smart. G-d helps those who are willing to yield themselves to him and do what he says!

The point is not going backwards. You stated that wonderfully. You are trying to get somewhere. The last thing a woman who is trying to get somewhere needs is a man who isn’t going in the same direction she is going.
Finally, I have to tell you that though I am not single, I still get the picture. And please don’t give me that crap about “She don’t what it is to be lonely or needing sex“--Baby, you can be married, lonely and in need of good sex! So, that does not make me unqualified to say what I have to say. Still, you pray about all things, even what I say. And what you initially thought when you encountered that man, is the wisdom of G-d. It’s in you at all times to know what to do. Just continue to pray. When it’s time for you to get back out there you will know. I always tell women to focus on G-d and let the man find you the way the word says (Proverbs 18:22). You can hardly find a woman willing to do that. Too impatient! But impatience is the normally the reason for the last “Bozo” that you trying hard to forget, wondering how in the hell you even considered him to be worthy fiasco--Wait When he does G-d will let you know “yea or nay” if that is your mate. By way of a dream, a vision, a spoken word or just a knowing in your spirit. But that knowing will line up with the word! Anything G-d says or does lines up with the word. If it doesn’t, it’s not him.

***************
And something about premarital sex, you do not need to test drive prior to getting to the altar. Women need to understand that you sow a seed in the flesh, you reap one. Your body is not equipped to receive seed from every male. Every illness has a spiritual reason. For instance--yeast=error. Something is making contact with your body that shouldn’t be. During sex, the woman is giving and the man is taking. You really are losing something whether you believ it or not. Your crotch is not the red sea preparing for Pharaoh’s army! We have to learn to take care of our bodies. I’m just sayin…..

And no I am not trying to be "high minded nor holier than thou"--if you are thinking that you are missing the point. I have not always lived or acted saved, or been saved--but now that I am, ther must be a separation in how I live with that of the world. Otherwise I am wasting my time. I said all of this because I have been there and done that! Yes, I shacked prior to marriage and I ignored every sent sign and every person who tried to say anything to me as it was related to my relationship. So anyone with that thought, needs to repect my "elder" status!

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

Holiness: the apparent(meaning your actions) practice of good conduct, superior conversation, and a good attitude--not the length of your skirt, your church denomination or your eccelsiastical title. It's your submission to G-d, his word and his way. It's a work. I'm still trying to get there.

2006-06-04T19:16:00.000-06:00

Who I am…

I have to first explain something that is in my spirit that is personal as it relates to my blog. This is not a random kind of place. I started blogging because I was sort of practice writing the things that were full in my spirit from day to day. This is my personal space in which I share the word with anyone who wants to stop by and read it. Even if no one stopped by, I will still write it. It’s kind of an on-line journal of my journey. Now, I am a regular woman in a flesh body, but I don’t think about stuff the way most women do. Nor do I desire to. I have been changed into someone that even I am still getting used to. What moves some people doesn’t move me.

I LOVE the WORD. I love hearing it, reading it, speaking it, writing it. That’s just who I am. So if it bores anyone that that’s all I intend to share on this space…well, I am sorry you’ll be disappointed. But I realized that what I have to share and want to share is not the same thing you can get any where else. I intend to share my struggles, my joys, my family and me here as it relates to being pressed into what G-d desires for me to be. I am a preacher. It’s who I am. I realize it's not who I aspire to be. It's already in me. All I am doing is perfecting that which was given to me from Father. Everything else that I have experienced, was training me for the most pivotal point of my life and I am in that season right now. That’s what I have to share. Who I am day to day as it relates to this season of my life.

I said all of that because, I don’t intend to do MEME’s or talk about political stuff or breaking news. I only want to share some of my conversation that I had with Father throughout the day, the lessons I learn from the word that I study, the RHEMA I get from church from my spiritual father and how all of that fits into my life. Nothing else matters to me. I know some people say they want to live the word and then compromise it somewhere along the line, but that’s not how I’m going to live. I am either going to walk the walk or I am simply going to find something else to do with my Sundays, Mondays, and Thursdays as it relates to church but I am not going to live hypocritically. I will not play the church game, spouting word and not living it.

First off, Father sees me and he won’t be pleased, and secondly, my children see me and they need to know that momma is going to walk this thing out no matter what I have to lose or do to and how uncomfortable it is to my flesh. (and it is uncomfortable) So if I get out of line as it relates to the word, check me! I appreciate that. I want people to be honest with me and keep it real. The word says if you love the word, you can’t be offended(psalm 119:165). I like truth.

Now, that I have said all of that, I have been on fire to tell you that last Thursday night, my Spiritual Father preached a prophetic message on the timing of G-d as it relates to answered prayer! When he said it, I felt this huge leap in my spirit because both Serenity and I had just blogged about that as it relates to obtaining the promises that G-d has given to us about purchasing homes. I actually had a whole lot of other stuff on the altar as it relates to his time, but that's an entry for another day. But he answered every one of my questions. I spent so much time shouting that I really didn’t take that many notes. Thank G-d for tapes! (And yes, I do “clown” in service). You would too if you had this man. He just brings it out of you. He really is awesome, I can’t even say enough about him. I do however realize it’s the G-d in him that answers my spirit. Still, I love him because he has yielded himself enough to be used that way. He keeps it real and he is blunt and you can’t be mad unless you don’t like truth.

I left with the understanding that we truly have to acknowledge Father in all things because only then can we operate in perfect will. Trying to do things out of season will lead to failure and struggle. Sometimes we are asking for something that Father is not going to give us until he gets the maximum glory out of it. He will also not release something while there is too much demonic activity surrounding that thing. What we fail to realize is that everything that we have requested is on G-d’s schedule and not ours. We want our stuff when we want it not understanding that things have to take place before we can get it. Sometimes we have to let habits go, people go, etc…You can’t take everybody in your life right now to where you are going. He wants to arrange our lives so that divine order takes place before those things can jump off the altar. I understand all of that. Especially since he said today that G-d is willing to give us an exact day and month. All I need to do is ask him when that day is.

Everything that Father wants to give us is according to season. If we get something out of season it will curse us instead of being the blessing that G-d designed it to be. See, even if you meet the man that G-d has for you, if you get him before G-d wanted to give him to you, the end result of the relationship will be just as if he was the wrong person. Timing is everything to G-d. He is a G-d of order after all. You simply can not get ahead of him.

So while I have been crying out to G-d for certain things to take place in my life, I realize that I must simply embrace this season of my life so that I can learn every lesson and wait for the things that he has for me in it’s season. I want to be purged of the things that are necessary for me to not only obtain the blessings but be able to keep them once I get them. I know I’m not ready for all of them. It’s my job to maintain the vision I have and that he has given to me so that I don’t perish. If you can’t see past your current state, you will begin to go backwards!

Yesterday, I was reading Luke chapter 9 and in that chapter Jesus says a couple of powerful things that were so personal to this season that I speak them to myself in uncomfortable circumstances throughout the day. V. 23 say that if we are coming after him we have to deny ourselves. We don’t like to hear that but I understand that one of the reasons people don’t truly walk the walk is because they refuse to deny themselves long enough to be converted in their thinking and then in action. I realized I can’t afford not deny myself because all the hell I’ve been through is for someone else.(Ecclesiastes 3:15) I have to take up my “cross” to those things it takes to serve Father-wholly--everyday in order to stay the course.

**-SIGH-**…

He also gave some notes on 4th watch prayer that can be found HERE on my other blog.

Well, all I can say is--I am pressing towards my mark. Come hell or high water, I’m going to the other side! I have made up in my mind that nothing less will do it for me. I know that’s not me but my spirit because my flesh is fighting that with all it can. I love Fred Hammond and he has a song Called “I want my destiny”. I think he says it best-- “…Can’t settle for , having nothing short of what you made me to be, you want me to be, cause’ I want it all…”. It’s not in me to settle in this instance. It’s just who I am now.

May you be abundantly blessed!
Chosen.

2006-05-31T14:03:00.000-06:00

Reflections...

Today I am 32. I used to believe that being this age would be depressing. But now, I guess I'm just happy to be able to have made it this far. It has not been all rosy and pretty. But for some reason G-d loves me enough to keep me around. I look back and I can't help smiling, because no matter what, it's all back there and not up here if you know what I mean. I am grateful for this new season of my life. No matter what today looks like, I happen to know it's just a figment of the imagination. Otherwise it couldn't change. No matter what, I am on my way somewhere at Father's leading and that's sufficient for the day.

No extravagant gifts today but I got the best stuff from my kids. My daughter "Model" gave me a beautifully written letter that she stuck inside my bible at some point this morning and it's worth a trillion dollars. My son "The curly haired preacher" gave me a picture and the "Granola bar boy" just gave me the best hugs and kisses this morning. I wish you could have heard "Baby Diva" attempt to sing "Happy Birthday". It was so cute. Barely a song but since she danced with it, that makes it a music video in the making.

I have no spectacular plans for the day with the exception of sitting and watching about 4 episodes of the reruns of "Felicity". I love this show! I don't do TV and I really couldn't tell you what shows are on now but I discovered the reruns of this show on one the cable shows and I decided to watch it from the beginning via Blo.ck.bu.ster Online. Which is a great service for the kids. And I will be eating homemade Popcorn with real butter, my favorite. So much for the weight loss thing. I have a formal on June 10th and I will be down to the size I want to be as long as I only allow myself the popcorn and no late night eating. Our spiritual father has decided to throw us a formal to celebrate his church in the east that he favors so much. I am excited! I haven't found a dress yet but I'll find something in the next 2 weeks that will do me justice.

As for the house, we looked at 2 of them. Both I have to say were way too small. One had 3 bedrooms and the other had 4. First of all--did I not say that I was looking for 5 bedrooms? So how do 3 and 4 fit anywhere in the equation? They were both beautiful, I'll give you that. But I looked at a 5 bedroom last year with a kitchen that had a hearth room with the fire place, a large upstairs den, dining room, living room and all that which was even in "budget" if I was going off of that but this is beneath my standards. I have a vision. I know that I may not find exactly what I want because it's my vision. But It has to be close enough for me to enjoy driving up to on a daily basis until I can build what I want. So I am back to square one and I am thinking of consulting another agent. This person is fantastic, but If I go off what I would want to do, I would simply go back to the place that I went last year and go from there. Now my husband is ready to settle. I can't even say all I want to say about that and possibly not without cussing which I have overcame a long time ago, so I'll move on... But I'm sure most of you feel me.

It's time to go back and make sure I heard Father right the first time and then have him tell me what to do next. So I am surely going to meditate on those wisdom scriptures and he will supply the answer. I don't want to operate out of season, too fast or too slow. And I definitely want perfect will. I can afford not to have it.

With all that said, I must go so I can go and watch my shows. I'll probably end up sleep in the midst of them somewhere. TV and movies have a way of doing that to me.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-29T14:00:00.000-06:00

Yoo-Hoo Moments…Random notes.

Today has been a good day. I have been relaxing for the last 2 days. (Yep, me, relaxing). I am not at all high-strung except for when it comes to kingdom business. This year particularly I have been put in a pressure cooker because I am determined to get all my stuff. When I say it sounds as if the whole thing with the kingdom is about the accumulation of stuff. That’s not it. It’s about acquiring the testimony. I haven’t won very many battles with the adversary. It’s not because I couldn’t win a couple of them, it’s just because the word I had from G-d was not respected so we failed. Getting my stuff, is about defeating the enemy. I hate him. He just comes in uninvited and runs all over you leaving you defeated and discouraged. I have had to pick myself up too many times to allow him to keep me from the promises that I have been given.

With that said, I realize also that it’s not about me. It’s about him being allowed to finally be the father he desires to be to me. I didn’t have a father. I had a step-father--sounds like the same thing but some of us know that having someone can also be like having no one sometimes. So I am looking forward to the care of a real father. Having him spoil me and do for me what I am incapable of doing for myself.

The other thing is that my children are watching me. They need to know the kingdom works. We raise our children telling them not to sell drugs and to love G-d but they often grow up in want their entire childhood. We don’t show them that G-d does reward holiness because we don’t know how to acquire the promises of G-d. Many people avoid coming to G-d because they see us struggling on this side. They feel that it’s easier to have what they want and stay where they are. It’s not enough to live holy and be in lack here because that’s not how G-d desired for us to be.

I have the greatest children. They are smart and beautiful and sweet and I know that I am going to give them the life as children that I desired to have. It’s just a matter of time…I know that.

“Model” is entering a pageant. It’s her first. Initially I really didn’t want her to be a model, even though I think she’ll be wonderful at it. Too many horror stories and so much travel that it would be too much separation at times. But, It’s really her choice. She has decided that she is going to use her star status to do kingdom work from the runway and the red carpet, I think she’ll be fabulous at it. I stayed up late last night helping her get her essay perfected and pulling together her personal profile. I know that she’s going to win. I don’t say that to be smug or anything. It’s just a feeling that I have. I have only one concern--the talent area. I told her to plan it now because she is really unsure about what she is going to do and I am trying to get her to stop waiting until the last minute before she has figured out exactly what she wants to do. She hates the lecture but I want her to get the point.

People fail because they failed to make a plan and be diligent with it. I myself have missed a great deal of things because I failed to make a plan and implement it. Although I didn’t know that back then nor did I have anyone to be that type of role model, I know now that it’s up to me what I do once I realize the lesson. Father told me, he wants us to grow to the point where we learn to lean on him for support and he will provide those people in the natural to back us. But we never should blame it on having no support. I tried to start a ton of businesses back in the day but being young I didn’t know how to stay focused and look past people who didn’t share my vision for what I was trying to do.

The lesson that father told me recently is that he wants us to keep our focus on him and not allow what else is going on to distract us. That is how we make him a priority and make success possible. I thought I was doing that, but I realize that my focus had shifted to people in my life after reading a comment from LB made on my blog last week. I have been guilty of making people idolatrous in my life. I realized I was slipping back over there by retaining too much focus on certain situations in my life. I was acting as if the situation was not handle able by Father. I know he can handle it. But I wanted him to eradicate it now. Problem is, I haven’t learned to retain my focus only on him yet so I am obviously not mature enough for it to be moved. G-d wants us to be caught up with him only. Nothing else.

I have to tell you that I am in some great company here in blogland. (But of course you all ready know how great you are--but let me toot your horn anyway) I have had the privilege of meeting incredible writers who I have great respect for. They don’t know that so often they confirm a word for me with the comments that they make or how they inspire and encourage me on their blogs. I want you all to know I appreciate you so much!

And finally, “Baby diva” is really getting to be too much. This morning as I was preparing for church this child was sitting on the counter in the bathroom screaming because all the pink polish on her toes is gone and with those new sandals she got this weekend, I guess she simply was not having it! As soon as a broke out a bottle of clear, and did her feet she was just as happy. She got her little purse and was ready to go out the door. I can’t believe that at 16 months she already knows exactly want she likes and wants to that degree. We call her “Baby diva” because I often find her putting on clothing out of her drawer or trying to put on “Models” lip gloss. She could care less that “model” is almost 13 and she is jut a drop in the bucket to that.

Well as I sit here sipping Yoo-Hoo and eating popcorn, I realize I have to get up and go to bed. I am going to look at that house tomorrow. Just out of curiosity. I dreamed about a house not too long ago before the prophet confirmed that this was our season for our house. I want to see if this is the one in the dream that I saw.

Stay tuned…

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-26T23:25:00.000-06:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

2006-05-26T22:31:00.000-06:00

Survival of the fittest…

Yesterday I was having a moment. Granted, I don’t really allow myself to do that too often because it’s too dramatic for my tastes. Nevertheless, I allowed myself to do so yesterday for the sake of release. Yes, the preacher has the “I wanna give up days” as well. I tend to rant at G-d and then he politely reminds me of what I have been standing for and so I collect myself and realize that if I wanted minor stuff I would already have it.

I have to tell you that I have been blessed by the presence of some fellow bloggers. This morning I thought of something Serenity said and it I had to kind of chant it to myself. The both of us are in the process of purchasing a home and someone from my church home has beautiful home that they would like to show us that is only a year old. The purchasing options are favorable and everything. The only thing is…it costs less than the figure I know Father gave me. A lot less. And it has one less bedroom than I have been believing for. Now my husband and I actually agree that this is not the time to start settling. But for some odd reason I really want to see this home. Not because I am nosy or anything, but because It could be an in the mean time blessing. Then I remember that Serenity was talking about waiting for what she wanted. I can’t tell you how she blessed me with this: "I can't settle for anything less than what he promised and that's no matter what the circumstances dictate". That’s it right there.

That’s where I am right now. I know what he told me. I know what my credit looks like but I also know what my father told me. It was a rhema word. I know that what he says out of his mouth is a guarantee! I have been through hell and high water and I refuse to take anything less than what he told me. The enemy will have you get all worked up like the schedule is off. Nahhh…it’s not off. I simply have to figure out where the house he wants me to have and who to do the deal through. Truth be told, I don’t want a mortgage anyway! I have been standing for a debt free house and I know that sounds radical, but it’s nothing for the wealth that my Father holds! Shoot...Scripture says that the blessings of the Lord maketh rich and adds no sorrow!(Proverbs 10:22) Plus, I just heard a testimony of the bank turning down a couple and the same day someone offered them their house--more house then they were looking for and the people are paying all closing costs, they are carrying the loan themselves and they offered to put all new furniture in as a gift! That’s what I’m talking about! So why would I settle? The devil is a lie!

So yesterday, I needed that moment to put it all in perspective. The enemy is counting on us giving up near the finish line. I can’t stop now. This is a race. A fixed race. Obviously, the enemy has not read the whole book. I win. I’m always gonna win. I just have to keep running.

I did go to service last night. My spiritual father was on a much needed break. But the word was still powerful. And it hit me right where I was. It was all about the valley experience. That’s where I am . But praise G-d I’m going through!

On another note…did I tell you my mother has joined my church? Yeah. It’s been a couple of months now. It’s still vexing me though. It’s weird she talks to people and listens to what they say, but she talks over me. Ahhh…well I have learned my lesson. I’m happy she’s getting the word, but I would really like for her to get it somewhere else. I know that sounds awful, but our relationship is too strained to even begin to pretend that it’s not. When people give me compliments she gushes as if she is in agreement. I guess she thinks I don’t know her or something. Last night I saw her having a full fledge conversation with a woman I know doesn’t like me. Why I have no idea--I think it has to do with her children. She treats one a little funny and I just try to make sure I give her an extra hug and a compliment. She’s just a 4 year old that reminds me of me and my own mother. I guess something happened to the little girl at home and so she told her mother she was going to tell me. What? I didn’t tell her to say that! If that’s her reason she needs to visit the mirror. It’s not my fault that child thought she had to tell me something.

Anyway…I saw my mother having an engaging conversation with this person last night. It was dark so I guess she didn’t think that anyone would see her. Well, I saw her! I know they don’t think it will matter to start some mess, but I really don’t think either of them want to test me. I usually look past her, but she has been really getting to me lately. I'm trying not to get in the flesh. However, I thank G-d for them because they will shape me into who G-d wants me to be and ultimately promote me. Yeah, Goliath and later Saul promoted David. They helped him be a better warrior and ultimately a better king. But ummmm…I hope thy know some areas of me are still under deep, deep construction. My spiritual father has already warned us all of that with people in general. I thank G-d that he allows wheat to grow up with the chaff, but did they not read the rest of that chapter? Whose fan is in his hand, and he will thoroughly purge his floor, and will gather the wheat into his garner; but the he will burn with fire unquenchable Luke 3:17

Stay tuned….

Be blessed. Chosen.

2006-05-25T14:49:00.000-06:00

Patience.

Definition: The ability to wait without complaint, compromise and without replacing G-d with someone or something.

Today I am weary. My body is challenged. I feel like sleeping all day long. I have spoken every confession that I can. I have read all the bible I feel like reading for right now. I don’t feel like complaining. I just want my stuff. I am spiritually weary. I feel as if I can’t take another step. But somehow, I know that I will. We have church tonight and I am sitting at the computer in a dirty t-shirt and undies with my hair uncombed. I don’t even feel like moving from this spot. We had service tonight and I don’t even know if I am going or not.

Me, who never misses service except for illness of my children. I don’t miss for anything else or anyone else. That’s Shiloh. I go there to hear what the spirit of the Lord is saying. I go for confirmation of what father has told me that day. Sometimes, I get it and sometimes, I have to wait for it. But I always go. Last week was a particularly long week for me. 2 services on Sunday, Monday night, and tonight. Yet I am sitting here pondering whether I am going or not.

Someone asked me today on my blog about waiting…It struck a chord. I too am waiting. I waiting for finances, for peace and for deliverance from all dead situations. I feel rebellious today. But I can’t even muster up the strength to be.

Ironically enough I am in the middle of reading 1 Samuel with some fellow bloggers. I am enjoying myself with the reading. Often I find myself catching little things that I missed all the other times that I read these chapters. Today’s reading reminds me how important patience is.
You see the children of Israel wanted a king, so G-d gave them one even though they were out of his timing. He had already spoken to Moses that he would eventually give them a king way back in Deuteronomy 17:14. But because they were impatient they received a man who was both not ready nor capable of handling the responsibility of listening to G-d nor leading the people of G-d. They looked at him at him decided that he was good enough. It wasn’t as if he was someone known for his abilities in the kingdom. He looked good--he was tall, and good looking and weak. He hid behind the stuff when Samuel was trying to appoint him as king. He was already scared of the reactions of the people.

What I noticed about Saul today was that he really had no relationship with G-d. He served as king for over 2 years before he ever took the time to build an altar to G-d which represented worship. He had no real relationship with G-d. He was dependant on Samuel. So whenever it came time to make a decision, the text shows us time and again that he did what he felt he should do and never consulted G-d. When he finally got around to asking G-d, he didn’t get an answer. So he took things into his own hand causing the people to sin and finally causing the kingdom to be rent from his hand. Now this is what the people wanted, a kang….
He was neither ready nor capable of doing the job that he had been positioned to do.

I could swear I have heard this story before…(Told you I was feeling rebellious today!).

Ah well, I guess I learned today that I have suffered enough from being impatient. I could write a list of things that would shock most people but, I won’t. (As you can see, I might need to go so my spiritual father can lay hands on me with a whole bottle of oil!). I get the lesson of impatience. I am learning from that every day.

But I am battle weary today. I can’t carry another person. I can’t answer another question from my children or from my husband. I need….to cross over Jordan-Canaan seems as if it’s too far away. I need a breakthrough. So, I read Samuel today, but ummm…waiting is not what I want to hear right now. And though I don’t really feel like getting up, I must. Stay tuned…I know there is a word in the house tonight so I must press my way on.

2006-05-23T18:31:00.000-06:00

The other half...Some things about me!

I thought this would be a real ice breaker since I have begun to think that I'm really not that approachable--even on this blog. I'm not in the clouds 24 hours a day...Anyway I got this idea from reading list of Sway's list of "I haves".

Enjoy! This should give you a wider picture of the person behind the blog.

I have...

--grown up a military brat

--Lived overseas--Germany (Neu Ulm) 5 years...

--smoked cigarettes and weed

--dated a crip (only to be stalked by him later on)

--been homeless

--been in a total of no less than 13 car wrecks

--had my best friend cheat with my boyfriend(in my face)

--Befriended a girl to date her brother

--contemplated suicide-on many occasions

--stalked a cheating boyfriend

--stolen items from a store (especially books)

--planned to run away (adulthood and childhood)

--thought about robbing a bank (seriously, if I thought I could have done it without being killed and serving time, I would've done it!)

--had a crush on a man (yep, I was married at the time and saved!)

--peed in the bed as an adult (I was 9 months pregnant at the time, but still...)

--practiced white witch craft(**after G-d saved me--I thought those spells were gonna to work ya'll!)

--cussed someone out and then told them that they better be glad I was saved!

--battled depression (as a child and an adult)

--contemplated being a stripper (If I could've found a way to remain anonymous I would made that money!)

--burned a boy with a curling Iron ( he was getting on my nerves)

--been the victim of domestic violence

--had provocative pictures taken of me

--thought of doing a ton of the things I have read on other peoples blogs

--been abandoned as a child for extended periods of time

--dated someone else's boyfriend and husband

--cherished the idea of posing for playboy half of my life (I can see the byline.."The Naked Preacher"--G-d loves you!)

--thought I was losing my mind--too many occasions to count!

Now, for anyone who may have harbored the thought that they couldn't relate to me--think again. I happen to be a normal woman, with normal feelings, thoughts, ideas, complaints, etc...

I read the blogs of others and I understand the struggle. The only reason I have experienced less of a struggle is because I have been married my entire saved life. But I still understand the struggle. Women tend to understand women period. I would be a whole lot more free, if I was allowed to. Unfortunately, the few things I would love to blog about are off limits. Not in fear, but because G-d is keeping me silent right now. If I didn't have the bit in my mouth...Let's just say, "As.the world.turns" ain't got nuthin' on this story! I could disobey, but my obedience is so necessary to moving forward right now, and I need the stuff on my altar! When I read, I am never judgmental of anyone--I know who I am without the collar! I am being held to a stricter code simply because G-d asked and I accepted. But I am still ME.

I love Sway's poetic voice and Djdivas candid honesty! Serenity has the ability to put it all in perspective in one paragraph. I read Grayse and Ebony, Cymple and yes even Fresh! I love ya'll! I happen to know that a certain blogger was pouring out his heart on his blog and he has been m.i.a since march. I guess sharing the intiamcy of his skeletons was too much for his wife. I see that there is a down side. However, I still intend to be a little less...analytic? I don't know if that's the right word. Hell, just stay tuned. I have a lot more to say!

Be blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-23T09:32:00.000-06:00

Walking with father... An Intimate portrait

Today is my 8th year anniversary since I got saved. I have been thinking the last couple of days about all the things that I have had to face since I made that decision. As a child, I thought getting saved would be the scariest thing. It seemed that anyone who got saved, had to give up everything that they loved and liked to do it. So I decided that I would have all the fun that I wanted to and then at 40 I would be ready to give my all to father. I had my time-line planned out. Funny thing is, his time and my time was two totally different things.

I knew that G-d had been pulling on me for some time. I can actually say that have felt that pull all my life. God has been my best friend since I can remember. I didn't realize back then all those letters to him and conversations with him my head were "valid". I thought it was really more complicated to talk to him so surely I was just "imagining" that I could really talk to him that way.

I used to think that he had to force me to get saved. But I know now he just drew me....

You see, after I had my 7 year old-"the curly haired preacher"-I was faced with a life threatening illness. I ended up getting sick and I stayed that way for months in and out of the hospital with no real diagnosis. Imagine having a 3 month old baby, a 6 year old and a 7 year old and being faced with leaving them, not knowing who would take care of them and knowing that know one would be able to do for them what I would. I knew my husband would need help. It was in ICU that on my wall at Baptist hospital, there was a scripture

" In the day of my trouble I will call upon thee: for thou wilt answer me."

Psalm 86:7

For me that was a promise that I felt he had to answer. I told G-d then, that if he delivered me, I would work hard to serve him all the days of my life. After being released, I went back to my job and I was invited to church by a co-worker. I joined there. Now, I have to tell you that while I was in the church, I was under attack. The devil was literally trying to drive me back into the hospital while I was sitting in the church. Later that week, I did end up right back in there, but it was that week that they finally diagnosed me. Pulmonary embolii of the right lung. My bottom right lung was filled with blood clots that was killing the lung tissue and cutting out air. I had 2 choices--hope that the blood thinners would dissolve the clots or cut off the bottom of that lung--that also included 6 weeks of hospitalization and 6 months of rehabilitation. I have to tell you, asking G-d wasn't my first thought, I was worried more about our financial future than my current health state. I was the bread winner at the time. And I had used up all of my time off in the hospital. But I reminded G-d of my promise. I held on to 2 scriptures because I was unfamiliar with his word. Isaiah 53:5 and Psalms 86:7.

I made a choice then that I was not going to have my lung lopped off. It was as simple as that.
My nurse in ICU told me that there were other women in the hospital suffering from that same thing as I was and they had opted for the surgery. I wasn't settling for that. Surely G-d did not lie right? I just sat there in the hospital, by myself, and cried most days. But I held onto that promise.

Illness shows you who you are really hooked up with. People don't mind you being sick for a while, but long term ill-ness shows you who's in your corner. My mother never showed up. A fact that I am still not able to handle. My kids needed her. I needed her even if we have had this strained kind of relationship all my life. But in all the months--no show. I realized then that all I had was G-d. He was still the only friend that I had. When I was delivered I made a conscious decision that I would hang in there with him. It has been hell. I even at one point turned back. Getting saved caused all hell to break out in my home. But it has been the best decision that I have ever made. As much suffering as I have had to deal with, and as much as I am going through right now, I would not change a thing. I can actually sit here and say I wouldn't change a thing.

Every thing that I have been through has taught me of just how big, bad and bossy he really is. So, I know some people can't relate yet when I say that whoever has to go for me to do what I need to do in the kingdom is fine for me. Only the crucible of pain and being forsaken can put you there. Some can only say that they know G-d is all they need--I know He's all I need and that when it gets down to it, he's all I have. People love can't compare to G-d love. We are deceived to think that it's the same. But it can't compare. So I have learned that I really don't prefer anyone over him. I like being alone with him. People fail, but G-d is faithful. No matter how hard it is, I have to press on. I can't turn back. It would be insult to all that I have been through with him and all that he's delivered me from. To turn back would indicate that all this time has been for nothing. That would be a lie!

So, I'm walking with him. And he's training me to be the warrior that he created me to be. I didn't even know what a warrior was but this is what he told me one morning last year:

Warriors are committed fighters. They are always ready for war by the constant study of their adversary. There is constant preparation and meditation on their eminent victory. Losing is never an option, but if they are defeated they begin to prepare all over again to fight that same enemy this time assessing their mistakes and those of others. They learn from their mistakes so that success is guaranteed the next time around. Being a warrior means that you have to pay attention and be willing to learn at all times. You have to be in constant training. You focus is central and single-minded willing to forsake everything else for the cause. Warriors fight while wounded. Giving up is not an option. Only overcoming is.

G-d has called all of his children to be warriors. When he taught me that last year, I thought that's not me. But looking back, that's exactly what I am. A warrior. I wouldn't want to be anything or anyone else. I look at people some time with their short battles and quick victories. And their constant state of calm. I don't hate on them for that. But I ask father how come I can't be that way? It almost seems unfair. I am always battling 2 or 3 things at a time. But he told me, every one can't handle the fight. He reminded me of when he took the children of Israel around the long way so that they wouldn't go to battle and turn back...(Exodus 13:7). That doesn't make it any easier, but I guess I understand.

So I'm walking...I may trip a few times and even fall. But I get up, dust myself off and fix myself because I know that I am on my way somewhere and he is right there beside me.

Be Blessed.

Chosen.

2006-05-22T01:07:00.000-06:00

Post #3 Really believing G-d! Some nuggets I wanted to share.

I have to tell you that one of things that I love about father is that the journey with him is never dull. It doesn't feel good at the time that you are going through stuff, but after you come out, you look at it in awe that it really wasn't as bad as you thought at the time. I look at any period in my walk with him and know that the lesson I learned was far greater than the suffering of that time. It helped shape me into to who I am slowly but steadily becoming. I would like to share this story because I know that you will be blessed as a result of the lesson I received from it. (actually I am still gleaning from this one event!!!) I was talking to this woman in my laundry room a couple of weeks ago and she was talking about someone being able to access our building and robbing us. The devil is a lie! So I told her that they might rob her but they wouldn't rob me. So of course she was livid! I had to rebuke her. I was so angry when I came from the laundry room that I stayed irritated for several days after.

You see, if I hadn't said anything that gives the devil license to set that event up in my life. Those words go unchecked. We can never let anyone tell us stuff like that because tat gives the devil permission. Angels are the reapers of the harvest. They are anointed to carry out the work of father in the earth. That's why the word calls them ministering spirits (Hebrews 1:14) So without an answer you are essentially saying that you didn't mind that event happening to you. There is no comedy in the spirit realm. You can't say G-d knows my heart. G-d operates on words. That why the scripture says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. Not G-ds mouth--yours!
Psalms 8 goes on to say that G-d ordained strength in our mouths the stop the enemy and the avenger. Most of us read that scripture and we get caught up on the babes and sucklings part. Our words determine our life and any the result of any situation that we face in our lives. This woman said she was robbed and she didn't think that she could be robbed. Scuse' me she said she believed that she couldn't be robbed. I heard what she said, but then she came right back and said contrary to her original statement of belief.

I have to clear up some error. Most of the time when we say we believe--we really don't. Belief is not saying I believe. That's mental acceptance. She didn't really believe that. She never took the time to sow belief concerning G-d's protection in her life as a believer. Belief requires work. Most of us don't know that and so when we say it and don't see the results of those words we get discouraged and angry. That's why some saints don't ever see the manifestation of his promises to them. I know that why I had a lack of them. Some people are blessed to be the receivers of others faith and therefore they partake in the benefits of the promises that way. But there is always a personal test that alleviates the ability to be carried by others. G-ds word is a collection of testimonies. It's history and information to teach us what is not only available to us, but how to operate in the earth like we should according to his promises to us.

Now when I used to say that I believed G-d, I was simply speaking words that I thought that G-d wanted to hear. I did not realize that I had to establish belief in something in order to see it in my life. That's why the scriptures say that asking believing it shall be done.( Matthew 21:22) If you don't establish the belief first, when you pray you don't see what you asked for.

My spiritual father has been teaching on faith these last couple of months and it has changed my life! He has erased everything that I have ever thought I knew about operating in faith, fighting the enemy and true relationship with father. I have been a member of my church for a year now, and it has been hell at times because the enemy has ran all over us! All that faith teaching we had prior to this was to no avail in those circumstances. We have lost a lot of stuff.

But what I am learning is helping me to establish belief in everything that G-d has said. So I submit to you the words of my spiritual father about faith and believing G-d as I have been learning it. The first law he taught us is the law of response. What you say when something unexpected comes up. What you say first establishes the outcome. Say it and let it stay said. Your response should be "wordified" meaning that it should contain scripture. I'm not talking about saying I'm rich and then saying I don't have any money. You just cancelled out what you said first. Saying you are rich, Is the word. (Rev 2 :9) Saying it and continuing to say it when thoughts contrary to what you said come to your mind. After we respond, we have to control our mind.

Faith is the process of believing G-d. We have a measure of faith in us, but it has to be mixed with belief in order for it to function at its highest level. The level where manifestation is achieved. We have to sow the word as it relates to what we want need and desire in order to see that thing show up in our lives.

That's where confession comes in. Finding scriptures that are relevant to what we need G-d to do in our lives and personalizing them. Saying them 2 times a day--in the morning and in the evening. That's sowing the word and eventually we will see a harvest of that we are confessing. None of this automatic. It's work that gets boring and tedious. But, it's worth it in the long run. But keep sowing. I just wanted to share what I was learning. Now that whole incident with the woman in the laundry room, triggered my desire to operate in the highest level of faith possible. manifestation faith.

I just wanted to share those nuggets with you.
Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-22T00:46:00.000-06:00

Post # 2
Perfect will vs. Permissive will...How I understand it.

One of my readers asked about this last week and I have spent a great deal thinking prior to responding. Mainly because I am smack dab in the middle of this very thing. I have been telling G-d for months now that I only desire the things that he wanted me to have since before the foundations of the earth were formed. Now mind you, ignorantly I have been saying this and trying to figure out why things haven't gone in a greater direction for me. I have been struggling in every area of my life. I forgot what I had been asking him for. You see there is a common misconception in the church that believes that G-d has 3 wills. That's a misinterpretation of the scripture. It's really done in ignorance so much as it is because we want to believe that we are somewhere in G-d's plan. There is only perfect will and everything else. We call it permitted will. Let's examine the text again... And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. Romans 12:2

The scripture says clearly that we are to prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of G-d. The "is" is added into the text by the translators (all of the words that are italicized are to the detriment of a lot of the text because it tends to be contradictory in some instances. But that's a whole other post if anyone is interested, I'll be happy to elaborate) To understand it clearly we have to go back to the beginning when G-d said in Genesis that what he saw was good. Good meaning that there was nothing that needed to be added unto it. When have we ever had to add more stars or separate the waters from the land again? After he created us and gave us commandments of dominion and increase he said it was very good. Meaning it was even better than every thing else that he had done.
So to think that G-d has 3 wills is simply error. There is only his and what he has made allowances for. As the first partaker of the message, I know what it is to know that you have missed G-d and to be anxious to get back on plan. The scriptures say that the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord(psalms 37:23) Funny thing is no one ever finishes the scripture out. The scripture says that he delighteh in his way. That word there means that its to be desired. It's pleasing. What's pleasing to G-d will ultimately be pleasing to us. That's the problem right there. Most of us don't desire to be where we are. Happiness is far from where we are. We are content--meaning we are able to bear it until the shift comes so that we can really be where you want to be.

Now I am going to say something that's probably going to start a whole other conversation and I really don't mind. But we can't really be happy with anything but that which G-d gives us. Everything else takes adjustments. Often not adjustments, we almost have to bend into a whole other person the be able to even find a sliver of contentment. My spiritual father said the other day "perfect will is not anything that makes you anxious or angry. Anything that gets on your nerves or anyone you hate to see coming--that's not perfect will." You know this true because that's why people with money are still unhappy because they don't have that ultimate relationship that completes everything!

The Holy Spirit told me one day, "you ask me stuff but you have already set your mind to getting only the answer that you want to hear". That's how we believe that we heard from G-d on certain situations only to find out later that we missed him. G-d does not force himself on us. We have to have a willing mind/spirit to not only hear from him but to accept what he is saying. And a willingness to do it regardless of what it is.
I have to say this because this is what father taught me--We assume that it's hard to serve G-d. It's really not that hard. Because the scriptures say that his yoke is easy and his burden is light(Matthew 11:30) It's not serving him that's hard--it's coming to him with all that mess that we never should've been in the first place--people we were connected to that we should have never been with. It's destroying all out that out of us that has been deposited in us due to rebellion and ignorance that makes serving G-d hard. It's serving him while being delivered from mess that's hard. That's why the first part of the scripture says come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden--that's all the stuff we are carrying that he never gave us. Next it says to take his yoke and learn of him--that's what makes it hard. Having to learn his way while purging out our way which caused us to be where we are in the first place. Purging us and depositing him. The process is hard because renewing your mind from error takes a considerable amount of work.
When t asked about permissive will, I thought to myself that's exactly where I am now. Being in this place is uncomfortable but necessary because whereas I was stagnate I am now on the right track. Asking for perfect will is the first step. I ask for it everyday. Now I know that means that some stuff is really going to be moved and not in the way that I would desire for it to be done. But whatever has to be done is really fine with me.

I remember that I never thought I would be able to get what he wants from me. I could not understand how I would know what path he would want me on. And then I remember hearing one the TV preachers say that I should talk to father at all times--while driving and showering, eating. I thought how was that? But over time it has become second nature--because it's in us to talk to him like that anyway. This is how I know what to do. By talking to him in my mind and speaking verbally all the time when I am by myself. The more you do it the easier it is to know what he wants from you. Granted, sometimes I miss it, but he will repeat himself so that you can line up. I have had to do that quite a bit myself. But, he's faithful. He desires to help us more than we desire to ask him for the help.
I answered this because I didn't really feel as though I answered t in a way that was really understandable. If G-d ever allows me to be over people I want to teach them in a way that makes the word livable. Not 3 points and a close that leaves me with a ton of questions that I still have to figure out for myself through a bunch of trial and error. I have learned that if a preacher can't really break it down in understandable terms--what he is teaching is foreign to even in him.

Getting to perfect will takes developing the habit of relationship. It requires saying yes only to his way no matter how painful or uncomfortable. It means being void of an opinion of how he's going to do it, when he's going to do it or even why. It don't even matter. I realized I am too stupid to try and figure out his plan. It's my job to desire it and stay on board until it comes to pass. I have learned that only he knows what I really want anyway. All that I ever thought I wanted, is not what it was cracked up to be. So I walk with him--talking to him all the time--to hear what he wants to say and what he wants to do. I know I am on the path to perfect will--slowly but surely.
Be blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-21T16:27:00.000-06:00

Did you know...

I thought it would be fun to share some things that I found really interesting lately.Tell me what you think.

Did you know...
That platinum is not a pure metal but is a junk mixture? It actually has very little fair market value. It caused me to wonder why people would spend so much money on it, but the reason of course is deception. Most people believe that it's more valuable than gold.

Interestingly enough, when a gentleman came up here from Louisiana during hurricane Katrina, he went one our local branches and tried to get a loan on some expensive jewelry that he had purchased for his wife that was set in platinum. He was told that they could not help him. But that if he had gold jewelry, they would be willing to do an exchange. This man was able to secure a cash exchange instead of a loan for some rings he had purchased for his wife. Why?--Gold backs the monetary value of the dollar. Banks are always willing to buy gold. Now some one needs to tell all those other people that the platinum jewelry they have is beautiful and valuable really only to them. It's one thing to buy it knowing that fact, but a whole other buying platinum without that knowledge.

What do you think?

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-21T11:44:00.000-06:00

Post #1 Establishing identity...

I know that I have been missing in action for the last week. For anyone who visits here regularly, I do apologize for that. I will however make up for that because I have a lot to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Keep reading and you will understand why.

I have been under severe attack by the enemy in the last week. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I don't do rest very well. I like to keep moving so that I can get done anything that is on my agenda on any given day. I rest when the day is over.

With that said, I was forced to rest this week due to some challenges with my health. It was so bad that for a couple of days, I was unable to speak. Anyone here with children can understand how frustrating that in itself was because they try you on those days when they know you can neither speak, nor holler at them. I understood from day one that enemy was not merely trying to inconvenience me. With him, it's never about inconvenience. He wants to set up illness so that he can establish disease. If you lay down to a cold, he'll establish something stronger. The saints have to fight him with everything that we have available to us. The really sad thing is that many of us are simply unaware of the promises written between the pages of G-d's word. There is a promise for everything in there that we could want, need, and desire. We simply have to know how to tap into spiritual law attached to them so that we can obtain them.

Being challenged in my health this week, allowed me uninterrupted time in the word. I listened to tapes back to back, I read, and I confessed. The devil didn't know it but he gave me a Sabbath! A week long one at that! I understand that he simply wanted to steal my praise. He can't stand it when you praise too much. And for me to have the audacity to praise even when I still don't have in my possession the things I'm waiting on is really irritating to him! Not to mention that he was not catching me off guard for once in my life. Whenever prophecy is released the devil comes immediately to attack you. Check the record...In Mark chapter 1 and verse 11 G-d tells the world that Jesus is his beloved son in whom he is well pleased in. G-d established his identity and therefore his promise. Immediately in verse 12 Jesus ends up in the wilderness tempted by the adversary. He was having to fight the adversary over all things but mainly his identity.

That's all any attack is. It's about who we are. Knowing who we are is our first weapon. If Jesus hadn't established himself in his identity he wouldn't have won that fight. People look at the new testament without realizing that Jesus had to fight the same things we did. He couldn't be our example otherwise. He was God-but in a flesh body subject to things that we were as well.(Heb 4;15) He had to read that word to know that he was the messiah.(Luke 4:17) It's not enough to say you are saved and you believe it. You have to be established in both that belief and what the benefits are to being a child of the Most High G-d! It's not enough to understand that you are saved because if you don't believe it, you can't tap into the benefits that it affords you.

Case in point--when I first got saved, I really didn't understand that once saved, always saved. Being back slidden is not discontinuing church and returning into the things you once did. It's renouncing G-d. I had no clue that I didn't have to get "re-saved" over and over. I simply had to repent and move on. I can't tell you how many times I needed an altar call. I didn't know that all of my sins--past, present, and future are already erased. Cussing someone out today, is already forgiven. Repentance has to do with turning in the opposite direction, not telling G-d I'm sorry. When I tell him I'm sorry, I am simply coming back into agreement with him that I was wrong, with the understanding that I am already forgiven for it. The adversary does not want you to become established in your knowledge of your identity. Once you do that his days are numbered in his ability to deceive you.

I lived in condemnation for most of my saved life. I didn't know that was from the adversary either. I had it mixed up. Conviction is what we feel before we sin--that's G-d way of keeping us out of mess. It's his warning to us. Condemnation is what the enemy puts on us after we sin. He uses it to drive a wedge between us and father. Condemnation blocks harvest because what we are then saying is that the sacrifice of Jesus was not enough to cover what we had done. We are then lying against the truth of G-ds word. I guess if I had ever analyzed it, I would have realized the it would have been pretty dumb for me to only believe that all my sins prior to entering the kingdom could be forgiven, but not those after.

I said all that because too many of us still don't know that we are his children in the sense that he loves us in a greater capacity than we could ever even love our children. I know that it's almost impossible for us to fathom what that means, but it's how he sees us. What kind of father would see a need and not meet it? What kind of father would do something one time and not another? I'm not talking a bout a dead-beat some timey daddy! I'm talking about a father! If that's what you know because that's what you had, I admonish you today to establish yourself in FATHER. That means renewing your mind to in the word until you see that no matter what the children of Israel did, he always went and pulled them from their mess. He may have left them there for a while til' they got the lesson, But he came. However temporary they remembered what they just came out of it only to do it again, but he still went time and again to get them out and deliver them to greater things than they lost. It wasn't stupidity. They were children. He was so good to them after each deliverance that they forgot the last lesson. He was good to them because just like the father in the prodigal son, he was just happy to have them back. He loved that every time they called and he came they had called him--it hurt his feelings that they were trying to replace father with someone who neither could help them nor who could really love them.

We have to learn that every situation we face is his attempt to draw us closer to him. He is attempting to reveal a part of his character to us that we aren't familiar with. The reason why we continue to be challenged in certain areas is because we fail to get the lesson the first hundred times. That's why in Matthew 13:15 he says...
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Once we are converted in our thinking and we have true understanding of that part of his character--deliverance is immediate. It couldn't be restrained from us. I am so thankful to him for mercy and grace. I needed a new healing testimony. The other one is about 7 years old. And at the time, he knew this week would occur and I would really understand that promise of healing. Last time, I was operating in the faith that he gave me unknowingly and relying on the prayers of the saints. It's been a rocky road, but I wouldn't have wanted to have spent my time any other way.

Be blessed. When I say that--I mean it!

Chosen.

2006-05-17T13:34:00.000-06:00

Working on a harvest...

I know I have been M.I.A. for the last couple of days but I am working intensely on a harvest.
So I won't be around until Friday when I catch you up on all the things that I have been wanting to share and give my TESTIMONY!

Be Blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-16T09:49:00.000-06:00

Post #1 Calling all Testimonies...

I was going to do this earlier but I hesitated and then yesterday I was forced to rest due to a severe attack from the enemy. If you knew me you would have understood that I needed the rest anyway as this is not something I allow myself to do on a regular basis.

I have decided to ask anyone who reads my blog if they or anyone they know would like to contribute testimonies in any area to a book I am working on. I am currently working on finishing a project this week and I need to incorporate testimonies into the final revision. I' ll gladly take all! I am looking for testimonies in any area--healing, deliverance in any area(Finances, marriage, addictions, protection,etc.) Anything with obtaining one of G-ds promises.

This book is going to the publisher at the end of the month. And this is my last step.

I am willing to list any contact information for any of the contributors or keep private any information that is requested to be handled in that manner. Please forward any testimonies to Rhemawordwriter@bellsouth.net. Please let me know how you want your information to be handled.

I thank everyone in advance.
Be blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-14T18:14:00.000-06:00

First things First...

I have to first do one thing, I must apologize for the last post. I felt that I needed to vent here but I have learned that there are some things that are better left unsaid. I simply failed to operate in it. With that in mind, the father had to deal with me for writing that post. I have had to learn over the course of the last year, that there are some things that belong only between you and G-d. My relationship is one of them. He's handling it and I am submitted to the process. He spoke to me this afternoon to remind me that one the greatest rules of deliverance is learning how to be patient--that means learning to remain the same, without complaint. I was reminded that the children of Israel spent 40 years in the wilderness because they were being humbled, and proved and so that they would know what was in their hearts (Deut 8:2). He's waiting for you to be empty of yourself. You have to learn how to follow his instructions the first time and not on your time. One of the main things about the children of Israel was that they murmured and complained. In the text the word murmur actually refers to becoming halt in progress. They complained so bad that they literally had to stop their progress along the way. I can't afford to have to stop my progress. I don't have that kind of time.

So I failed first to even acknowledge him before posting that message. He said that I need to acknowledge him first in his word (proverbs 3:6). I failed to do that and I know first hand how painful disobedience can be. With that said......

I was sitting in the car today after church and I was telling G-d how I have noticed that everyone seems to have made some great connections at church. I don't happen to have very many friends at church and every association that I had made, oddly enough they all have left the church save one. Hmmm....It's weird, I know. I noticed that if I have one too many conversations with a person, it's just a matter of weeks before they are out the door. So far my count is about 7 or 8 people. I'm talking about people who were there before me. (I know that has nothing to do with me) It's simply their time to move on for whatevcer reasons. Usually the get into offense with someone in the church or whatever. My spritiual father said G-d is going to purge the church before he's able to pass out his million dollar checks.

Nevertheless, i'm really not a random conversationalist. I don't have discussions with people on anything but what is relevant to me or them. I was thinking that people thought that I was snobby or antisocial or something which is so far from the truth it ain't even funny! But I asked father and said "You are right where you are supposed to be." It almost seems unfair. Now I am not the only one who is going through this. Several of the other ministers have mentioned this when they preach.

Anyway, my husband gets in the car and starts to recount a conversation he was having with another minister and this minister shared with him what father had spoke with him on the exact same thing. This other minister repeated exactly what father had said to me. It really doesn't make any easier but it's part of the process. The wilderness is such an uncomfortable place. But I know it's necessary.

Have I mentioned yet that I have the most fantastic kids in the world? There are five of them--4 in my house.

The oldest just turned 14. I call him "prophet" because that's all a rebellious streak does is train your children to be prophets! Children have a way of thinking they are mature when they are still "green' little babies. He's coming in, it's just a matter of time. Meanwhile he is a great artist that is very introspective and sweet. He's extremely creative and is always cooking up an idea in his mind. He's working on some kind of painted shoe thing that I am looking forward to seeing the end result on.

Then there is "model" who is 12 almost 13--She's beautiful and smart and we have the best time together. Other than father she is the only person I really trust to be completely honest with me. She is the most sensitive of all my children and can read me like a book. She will do great things one day with her fabulous trend-setting style. One of her designs-a dress-is being sewn by one of the ladies from church. I can't wait to see the finished product.

Next there is "the curly haired preacher" that is 7. He likes to tell me that he is a preacher and that he can't share with me what G-d has told him yet. He's keeping all his sermons to himself for a later date :) He's smart and very articulate. He's either a lawyer for his ability to argue or a doctor with his love of science and dinosaurs. Whichever way he goes, he'll be great either way.

The three year old is "the granola bar boy". I think I simply nursed him too long--15 months. He's extremely clingy and he interrupts me at 3 or 4 a.m. in the morning for a granola bar like clock-work. He's sensitive and sweet. He's also very blunt and will tell you exactly what he thinks which can be a good thing and a bad thing depending on the moment. This one is an engineer. He loves anything mechanical--building, cars any thing that has to be constructed.

And finally there is "baby diva" who is 16 months old. She already wants her toes painted and lip gloss on. It's hilarious! This is the first child of mine who enjoys getting her hair combed. Most curly haired children hate the job of tackling the head but this one will bring the brush to you. She's bossy and has all the makings of a CEO. She just refuses to not to have her way. She's adorable.

These have to be the world's best kids! I'm sure most parents that that about their kids. Mine really are. With each one I have learned a new side of me. Corporately they all encompass the love of writing, learning, reading, creative stuff and are analytical, honest and sensitive just like me. They happen to be compassionate, sensitive, hilarious, game lovers, hard-working and analytical like their father.

I can not tell how immensely privileged I am to be their mother! Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers!
Be blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-13T13:43:00.000-06:00

On a personal note...My pet peeve.

I have yet to actually allow myself to be considerably personal on my blog. I can't really explain why when the whole point was for me to have this "hidden" diary to myself online. It was supposed to be both a place to write out what G-d shared with me everyday and to vent about everything else that is going on my life. I find that I am only doing half of that. So I find myself still extremely 'tight" because venting has a way of refreshing you.

If you haven't been clued in yet relationships are my pet peeve. They say experience is the best teacher. It is in fact the only teacher. Without the actual experience of some things we tend to doubt that things really are the way people have said. You'll be naive. Some things we can take your word for. Like, I don't need to catch A.i.d.s. to understand that it is real, ya know?!

You ever knew people who were on their way somewhere and they got hooked up with one another and it's been all down hill from there? You find yourself thinking "what happened"? When I think of that, the first couple I think of is Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. I don't happen to think that it is anyone's fault in particular that they have the issues that they have had over the years. It was simply a bad connection. You can love one another and the combination of the two of you together is just not a good thing. The bible says "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." (Proverbs 27:17)

Relationships are designed to make you better and definitely not worse. If you are worst off now, then you were--it's a sign. I am not talking about jobless, trifling, cheating, lazy people. I am talking about two saints both with good sense and that are hard working. They still can't get to where they need to be in any area together. The word talks about missing signs (Psalms 74:9) Sometimes you have them but you tread on anyway. I myself am guilty.

When I hear a woman say she is not looking for herself I feel sorry for her. She feels like she has a true grip on understanding herself so she wants someone to complement her in other ways. Sheesh!...I am not judging her, I know that only experience will teach her any different.Only the crucible of high stress moments like illness, financial losses or something BIG really allows you see you. It's some stuff in there you are probably unaware of. But really, who else can handle you, but you? I think the problem is when we think of us, we think about us in the state that we are currently in. I am referring to a mature us. An "us" that has trained themselves in the things we need help in and vice versa. The premise the opposites attract is in my belief satanic. Why? How?

If you like to read, it will eventually get on your nerves that while you are trying to read someone is trying to talk to you. If you read a lot and the other person doesn't, how could they possibly keep up with you? The conversations will eventually be stale and pushed because your thinking has changed and theirs has not. I too formerly ascribed to the theory that opposites attract. But how is that when G-d said that he has called us to peace? (1 Corin 7:15) Peace there is the word shalom--nothing, missing lacking or broken. Things and people that G-d has not connected to us require more than compromise. They require major adjustments to the point that you question the whole point of the connection in the first place. Not only that but you begin to see pieces of yourself disappear. Not stuff that needs to go--the good stuff like joy and optimism. You wake up thinking "how in the hell did I get here?" And more importantly "how do I escape?"

The word talks about a king being a child...(Ecclesiastes 10:16) How can the person that supposed to be the king--your authority be the one who needs you to make all the decisions? They need you to tell them what to do when you are simply waiting for them to trust G-d and seek him for the necessary course to take? How long should you wait for that to occur? If women are ever really honest they are looking for the same thing that G-d is looking for someone who can plot the course and loves/seeks him with all their might(Jer 5:1). We are looking for provision, protection and preservation. We desire a man who can teach us, carry us emotionally, and lead us where we are supposed to be going--that's a priest. Someone who can pray sickness off of us and our children, hold us when we cry, build us up. Someone with our word in their belly when we wake up because he was already seeking G-d for whatever situation that we are in. A praying man, willing to fast until breakthrough. Someone who loves G-d as much as you do. Who understands that G-d is first and wouldn't ask you to compromise that nor be offended that you won't. And love... Is the icing on the cake. I hear people use love loosely. Saying it and backing it up with your actions is 2 completely different things.

Two saints together can be unequally yoked. One mature and the other immature is unequal yoke. They harbor unbelief to the point that you are hindered from progress. When that scripture talks about unequally yoked(2 Corin 6:14) the Greek word there is heterozugeō it refers to being incompatible. I know we traditionally think that means that means saved and unsaved only. But Boaz--a Jew or lover of Yahweh/G-d himself--married Ruth a Moabite. A woman from idolatry and a cursed people from the loins of Lot and birthed Obed the father of Jesse, the father of David. The man who is known to have the heart of G-d. So surely it means more than that.

You can afford a woman being immature--because her husbands responsibility is ultimately to teach her anyway. But the priest/king/head....That's a whole other story. And in 8 or even 10 years time... How much longer do you wait for it to come to pass? Mistakes happen. Compromises have to made occasionally. But 10 years time? You can stay together and work it out. But at what cost? When I hear people say that it can be done, I understand that for the most part they are saying that they have accepted less than they really want, need, and desire. They have just gotten to the point of acceptance that they will simply have to do without some stuff. Mainly due to unbelief. They neither believe that they deserve more or that G-d can give more. Or they make excuses about children needing their parents. Truthfully they do. But the signal we send then to our children is that they too will have to settle and that relationships are full of trials, turmoil, anxiety and insufficiency in one way or the other. Children can have great relationships with both parents in 2 separate houses. It simply takes mature people to execute that.

Surely someone disagrees. I am prepared for that. I know what father has said...Now I just have to not only be willing to move but also understand the timing of it. I really don't understand especially with current prophecy recently released but I do know that my ways are not his ways.

Pray for me.

Be Blessed.

Chosen.

2006-05-12T10:27:00.000-06:00

"It only takes everything you got!"--Counting the cost...

I have to start off by saying that I have had what is typically known as Insomnia for the last week. As a Christian, what everyone else calls insomnia is what the bible calls "watching".(ref Habakkuk 2:1 and Mark 13:33) It's the period of time that you find yourself unable to sleep because the father is trying to get you a special message for whatever situation you are facing right now or will face in the upcoming season. Instead of doing what we typically do when we can't sleep-watching a lot of TV or reading a good page turner, G-d calls us to his word.

Obviously, I was missing the message because an entire week? So finally this morning I got it. Funny thing about watching is that you won't really find yourself tired as much as you are anxious to know what father has to say to you. I wanted to be sure that I get it and get it right. I told you, I miss it sometimes. Prime example...Yesterday morning I was in the kitchen the Holy spirit said "take communion". I ignored it and went on about the day. Now why did my spiritual father get up and say that you need to take communion to cleanse the bloodline of things that are put into the flesh from your parents. I missed it. I missed it but I got right back on it this morning.

I found myself reading the psalms and father said "Without being thrown into the pit Joseph never could've became the man that he was." hmmm...Well I have to tell you that I had been a little irritated last week. I know that with anything it's a process. Mentally that is easy to agree with. Waiting it out however is the issue. During that season of waiting, you inevitably become ashamed of your lack. You get tired of telling your children "not yet", you become worn out from people looking at you funny as if you must be in some deep hidden sin because you still don't have all the father promises yet you claim he's your daddy! You walking around singing the songs of Zion but yet you can't even manage some of the simple things that others are enjoying.

I have to tell you that occasionally I get angry with G-d. And I tell him. I know he knows but until I acknowledge it he can't answer me. So I tell him everything I feel. It doesn't change the immense love that I have for him nor his for me. I rather think he appreciates my honesty and my candidness. I told him how I felt the other day. He reminded me that I had told him I no longer wanted to operate in anything but divine will. Whatever he has to tear up, burn out, uproot--so be it. I said that. So really I don't have anything to complain about. I just need to wait this thing out. It's highly uncomfortable though I have to tell you. I realized that I hadn't counted the cost of my request.

I bought a book last week from the Second Editions in the Central Library. It was called "It only takes everything you've got" by Julio Melara. It's a small(only about 128 pgs) no nonsense book
that shares the authors tips and nuggets for a successful life. It's a good read. I haven't finished it yet, but I love it already. I bought it for the title. I fell in love with in the opening pages when he said he does 3 things every morning read, write and run. It drove me to keep reading.

Nevertheless, the point I am trying to make is, serving G-d is only going to cost everything that you have. Jesus said "And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:38 In the midst of my anger I forgot that. I also forgot that in order to serve G-d and follow Jesus the disciples had to leave all to become who he said they were. Peter was kind enough to remind Jesus of that in Luke 18:28. And even they at one point turned back and went back fishing after Jesus had left because they were afraid to continue without the physical presence of Jesus. (John 21:3) So please tell me what I was complaining about? You would have never known that Peter who had the revelation of who Jesus really was and who loved him immensely would deny him and turn back from his walk momentarily. But he did that. Going fishing was returning to his vomit that he had been delivered from 3 years prior when he was called by Jesus. All that knowledge and revelation, yet he still suffered from the same things most of us suffer from-- doubt, unbelief and ultimately fear. Jesus loved him no less though. The angels made a point to call Peter by name when he they sought Jesus at the sepulcher.

And finally Joseph...To serve G-d you will encounter Joseph moments. Prepared to be hated by the very folks that should love you and embrace you. That includes other saints and even family. They believe in your prophecy more than you do. They can see who you are even when can't. Be prepared for undue hatred. Be prepared to suffer betrayal, captivity, isolation, shame, promotion, demotion, purging, humiliation and an emotional roller coaster. Be prepared to feel forgotten, lost and separated from everyone and anything that you loved. Be prepared then to know you are anointed and having to preach the gospel, share a word, deliver others out of their mess while you are still waiting to be delivered yourself. You'll have to preach father and his goodness even when you can't seem to get what you preach to show up in your life.
But also understand that you are right where he wants you to be so that you can be prepared for all that he has for you. Your promotion will shock everyone when it happens. You are simply being tested in your faithfulness to serve him under any and every condition.

Count the cost. It's still worth it.
Be blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-11T14:47:00.000-06:00

T said...( or rather asked)

How do you know? Is it a gut feeling? Is it just if things are going right? How does one know if she and HE are on the same page?

Again, I have to state that I am no expert about G-d. I am constantly growing, learning and having to make the changes that allow me to better understand Father just like everybody else. Most of what I know is through trial and error. I think however what you are really asking me is how to not only develop a deeper relationship with G-d but to also understand when you are hearing his voice so you can know you are on the right track. I will do my best to explain as I understand it.

I know that the word of G-d says his sheep hear his voice, a stranger they will not follow (John 10). But it is a developed habit. Its not automatic and occasionally I still miss it. What I learned to do when I was really beginning to seek G-d is, I talked to him everywhere I went. While I cooked, before I went to bed, in the tub. I made it a habit to do this. I still do it. I have learned to talk to him in my mind all the time and often more than not I end up talking to him out loud. That was the first thing.

Hearing him..Well without being technical, our mind is our spirit and our spirit is of G-d. He seeks to guide us but we fail to ask. And even when we ask, we ask the wrong way. People say all the time, "G-d knows my heart"--he does but he also knows what you said. That's why it says out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34). What you ask is really what you are willing to hear him say, not what you want him to tell you. God is precise.

So if you ask him can I marry Joe"? You are subject to get a yes. What you should be asking is should I marry Joe? You can do anything because you have free-will--but should you do it, that's the question.

Now I hear people tell G-d all the time "Father, if it's not your will then it won't happen". Not true...Most of the time the mere fact that we say that is an indication that we already know that it's not his will . Things will only really not happen if you decide in your will to not allow something to take place. G-d doesn't act arbitrarily of our will. He wants us to choose.

Knowing whether you are on track or not-- its an unction. It's like you don't desire anything that he doesn't have for you regardless of what that is. It's hating what he hates and loving what he loves. It's preferring him above everything and everyone. It's making him a priority. Spending more time with him than doing what your flesh is really desiring to do. Like sleep. When I go to prayer in the morning, my body really prefers to sleep in. But I press on. Most days it's a struggle, but because it is a habit, it's easier to resist the urge to stay in bed. Not only that, I genuinely feel like he would miss me and I know I would miss him. He's here all the time, but that time in the morning is just ours. Prayer is more than talking to G-d, it's waiting around to hear what he has to say back to you. And he will talk back. He talks back from the word. His voice is the first voice you hear. It's not unsure. It's not negative or contrary to what the word says. It's not fearful or doubtful. It's sure. It's really hard for me to explain it in the written form.

What he says will be confirmed by signs and wonders. Not rockets in the sky but things that we usually miss. For instance, I had been seeking Father about a particular situation and I told him if this is you, my man of G-d will say something to that degree. Sure enough, he left the series he was preaching about and begin to go in detail about this particular thing. We also miss our signs because we want instant responses. It may take a couple of days. God confirms his word within 6 days of your request. It could be a bill board or a passage that's in the word that is finally illuminated to you or someone will say something that answers your question.

I am sure others can tell you how they know as well. It's subject to be similar, yet different for all of us. There is however nothing significant about my relationship with him. I often wonder why he even bothers to talk to me. That's what keeps me getting up. If you want it, it's there. But be ready to offend some folk. To get closer to G-d you will have to get by yourself, spend more time with him and be prepared to cut some folk off. Remember Abraham...G-d would not even speak again until Lot was separated from him (Genesis 13:14) It won't be that they won't be nice people, good people or even unsaved people--they will probably simply not going in the direction that you are going. Or they won't have the same intensity for him that you have. That's enough to G-d. So be prepared!

I really hope this answers your question.

Be blessed.

Chosen.

2006-05-10T23:03:00.000-06:00

Ask me a question...

Several things are in my spirit today. So i'll start with sharing this...

I am not an expert on G-d. I don't claim to be, nor would I want to be. The word tells us that teachers of the word will be held to higher standard. That alone is scary enough. So what I write here is what father gives to me. What I have on my "chest" when I sit down to write. If you ask me a question, be prepared to get an answer based on the word and based on either my own personal experience as it relates to the situation. If I have none, I will simply tell you that and refer you to the word. You need a clear answer from the father not my inflated opinion! If you don't believe I can effectively answer you why ask? Am I the only one this irritates or am I totally in the flesh today?

This person called me and asked me a question today, but the answer I gave her was not what she wanted to hear. Clearly. So why did she call me? It's almost as if she was prepared not to hear what I had to say. And I was really nice calling her back because I don't tend to answer my phone for anyone but my husband in the daytime. I do not have time to sit and chat. Nor do I desire to because eventually people tend to get bored with not talking about other people.

My point is this, only ask people questions that you can truly receive from. Don't waste the rest our time! (I had to vent and get that out).

Chosen

2006-05-09T12:20:00.000-06:00

Patiently enduring til' promise comes...Especially for women.

One of my greatest desires as a minister is to reach women. Who else better to serve women, than a woman herself? I always wanted to do this even before I found out I was a preacher. I wanted then (still do now) to open a women's shelter to assist women in getting away from abusive relationships with the help necessary to begin again. As a child I lived in a women's shelter for a fraction of time with my mother and I knew then I would want to do that when I grew up.
I also want to reach the younger women who are just on the cusp of woman-hood to teach them how to tap into that G-d given power that removes all fear and insecurity. I think that's one of the main reasons that young women subject themselves to early sex and consequently many times teenage pregnancy and motherhood. I understand that it is not my time yet because I am still working on some things of my own...I'm still immature in some areas. So I can wait. I don't want to try to assist someone only to hinder them in any way because I am yet immature myself. That would be awful.

Now I usually don't post stuff like this--But women....
Everyday that I spend at church I hear women going on and on talking about needing, wanting and finding a husband. First of all women aren't even supposed to be looking. If you get your hand out the cookie jar G-d could fill it! The word of G-d says that "he that findeth a wife...(proverbs 18:2) It also says in Isaiah 34:16 Seek ye out of the book of the LORD, and read: no one of these shall fail, none shall want her mate: Stop looking. Stop giving your number out to every man you think is available and learn to wait. You're supposed to be living and walking the word by faith--do what it says. You say you trust G-d--trust that he got ya' back and he'll bless you when it's your season. Now this is not for all women, some of are operating in something different--I'm talking to specific women.

Besides what are you going to do with a husband? It's more than companionship and sex. Believe that! There is a season(sometimes more than one) where sex is the least of your priorities nor desire! No matter how good you believe it is--it will play out eventually when other things come.

So to all those women who "just gotta have a huzbin' ask yourself....
Are you prepared to have sex when you are tired, stanky from leaking breast milk and sleep deprived, body achin' after the chilrens' arrive? Can you function as a wife and a mother tired from work and tending to sick children or just on an average night when the children interrupt your sleep and your husband sleeps on? Can you muster up desire then to put on a g-string and work it at any given time? Are you prepared to go through financial bouts, lack of time alone, or even a season when your husband may or may not desire to even seek the Lord? Can you say that you are prepared to carry a house on your shoulders in prayer and fasting, dragging your children to church alone until your husband pulls himself together? Are you ready to put your life into the hands of a man, trusting, that he has direction even when he says he doesn't know what to do??? Can you handle forgotten birthdays, anniversaries and mothers days? Can you stay and function as a wife until G-d releases you even though you want to flee as soon as the sun rises? And for black women--can you shut up even though you are right and he keeps talking, irritating you to the point where you feel as if you might burst(I told you I'm still under construction in some areas)? Or wait, can you handle him taking another persons opinion over yours even though you told him the exact same thing?

Now when I say these things women look at me as if I am crazy. Or bitter. Nahhhh...Baby. That's not it. I have been a new wife and now I am a veteran and I have not only witnessed these things in my own marriage, but in the marriages of others as well. Most women need to get a grip. They really don't want a husband they are looking for sex and drama. Women by nature love drama--especially black women. We say we don't want drama but if it follows you, you do. You can only attract who you were or who you are! That's the law of Genesis--every seed bears after it's own kind. Women don't want to hear other women's stories because they all believe none of these things can ever happen to them. If he's a man--it's possible. He is not G-D himself. He's subject to have moments when he is not the perfection you think you are about to get. Jesus said none is good--perfect--but the father (Matthew 19:17).

And even if you find your soul mate--because I hear plenty of women saying it will be different when I have him--"the one I was created for"--he's still in a flesh body! He'll still have issues. You are not perfection--so he can't and won't be either. I have seen soul mate marriages on the brink of divorce. Why? How? Because they are still people with experiences and baggage.
Don't be tricked, having your soul mate simply means you are in G-ds perfect will for your life and have the person created for you to enable you to walk in your destiny. It's about kingdom business! If you don't desire kingdom business over all..You might want to wait until you want father over anything else. Otherwise you'll make a man idolatry. G-d is not going to allow you to place anyone or anything above him! That's why some women are still waiting--you are immature in that area at least.

And finally...You have to realize that your David was more than likely someone else's Saul. Destined for greatness but not there or even close yet! If he was married before, his first wife had to endure lack, shortage, insufficiency and stupidity while he was their husband. But that woman helped prepare him for you. Have a sense of sisterhood and appreciation for what others went through so he could be your Boaz! And if you were married thank G-d for that time in hell. It will develop your character, teach you what you really don't want and deepen your walk with father and allow you understand the timing of father is perfect. You learn to lean on him. The single season has purpose. Embrace it! It's designed to teach you that you are ignorant of what you want, when you need it and who you really are. When you realize you are stupid and he's not, your on the right track. Even if you are a prophet--bless G-d--you still only know what he wants you to know!

So while you wait--don't be weary in well doing. Embrace the season. Allow G-d to be your husband, your companion, your friend. Become refined, develop a deeper prayer life and relationship with the one who's bestowing the gift. Before you can be promoted, he has to know that when he does, he'll still have you. If you are whining, complaining and impatient, you are missing the point of the single season. Besides that what patience means in the bible--waiting, remaining the same without complaint. You are not as ready as you think you are if you can't do that! Take it from a veteran. I had to have my huzbin'! Everyone else had one--I wanted mine. I got him. I won't go there but you understand....

********Just a side note:Another reason why some don't have their husbands is because they are contaminated. Yep I said it! If you are believing for a husband, you can't even spend time with everybody and anybody. Your system and spirit have to be purged from all other/former relationships. Not only that but if Boaz saw you talking to some of the men you allow to take up your time, he'd probably dismiss his interest in you thinking "if he can have her attention and he's a fool, anybody can!" Marriage and relationships in general are about favor--preferring another over all others. A man is seeking Favor! *********

Deal with your baggage. Confront you so that you can begin to allow father to purge you of all the stuff your marriage won't need added to it.If you don't endure the process, you'll duplicate past events in the new experience. And just wait....Job said he was going to wait until he change comes (Job 14:14). You are going to have to do the same.

Be blessed.
Chosen.

2006-05-08T13:02:00.000-06:00

Walking in true DESTINY...

I had to write this because the message is so ingraded in my spirit until I have to take the time everyday to listen to the tape over and over. I go to sleep with it on and wake up to it since I purchased it last Thursday night.

I have this huge confession to make. I don't tend to walk in fear often because I know that it's not from father. 2 Timothy 1:7 says that he has not given us that spirit. Whenever I see fear in my life, I work overtime to eradicate it as quickly as possible. But I do however have ...I don't know what to call it--simply put, I do not want to miss anything and everything that Father has stored up for me. Now I know that plenty of saints like to sing "What G-d has for me...". But to be honest we sing that song lying...Most of us are so far off track that we don't even know what he really had for us. If you could get one glimpse of what he really wanted you to have you'd cry until you were sick to see how far off you really are.

I'm honest with myself. I know I'm off track. Now I just want to get back on. I want everything that father says he has for me. I want my house, my money, any relationship...
You can't handle that can you? If the husband I have now is not who G-d had for me, I hope we can part as amicably as possible. Maybe this is why my marriage has been an all out struggle since day one. That doesn't mean that I don't love him or care but I don't want anything that is not lined up with perfect destiny. Sounds selfish?--probably so. But I am honest about it. Most folks won't be honest enough, with themselves as well as others, to say that they know they are in possession of some things that they know he didn't give them. When I get back home to heaven, I need to know that I did my best to do EVERYTHING that
father wanted me to do. I need to hear "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." Maybe you don't need to hear it, but I do. I understand that everyone won't hear it. I want to hear it. All this hell down here and not have him say that? Whatever!!!

I am constantly aware that as well as it seems that I am doing, I know I am still off track. I can look at my life and see that I am missing it in a ton of areas. I am literally eating up every word my spiritual father says so that I can find myself conforming into the things that G-d predestined for me all along. Now I hear you thinking "G-d is not the author of confusion", that's exactly right--so this confusion that I have had to struggle and live in all this time is not of G-d. They are the error of bad choices and rebellion. God is about peace...
that means

"SHALOM"--NOTHING MISSING, NOTHING LACKING, AND NOTHING BROKEN.

That's not the picture I'm operating in right now.

Now I just need to know how do I get there? What do I need to do first? Pray of course, that's already done. Now I just have to listen and follow. Seems easy enough. But we all know that what G-d requires and asks often pulls on the flesh. We have trained our flesh to be rebellious. Now I have to train it be obedient again--in all things.

Stay tuned...I'll keep you posted on what's happening.

Be Blessed.

Chosen.

2006-05-03T19:04:00.000-06:00

The Wilderness Experience

I am in the wilderness. Have you ever been there? That place where everything is unfamiliar and you are essentially lost and you have only G-d to guide you. You know that you're on your way somewhere but after it seems to take longer than you thought you become impatient, discouraged and even lonely? You happen to watch other people move at a quiet pace and things seem to be working out for them in every area. Now I am not tricked by peoples outward appearance. If you talked to most of us without our church persona on, you'd be shocked to see how vulnerable and soft we really are. People seem to think you have it all together even though, you are just trying to make it through whatever phase you are in.

No ones wilderness experience is the same. So no one can really tell you how to get out or how to move forward. I have been reading the book of Exodus to understand this phase. I happen to struggle with my calling. I don't mean to, it's just hard for me to understand why I am being used this way. I always knew I would be married to a preacher. Don't ask me why or how I knew this. Even as a child. My mother used to talk about one of here friends that even as a child they knew he was going to be preacher--he knew that as a child. I always knew my husband would be a preacher. He is. No church yet, but that's still what he's called to do. I knew even when he didn't. The prophet had to tell him because he didn't believe me. Nevertheless...He knows now. But me being a preacher? When I realized it, I ignored it for another 2 years. I wouldn't even tell anybody. Nor would i say it out loud.

I have had to let go of most of the people that I thought were necessary to my every day existence. A lesson learned. I have found that I do enjoy being by myself. It allows me to hear the fathers voice a little clearer. I'm ion a better place with him now. I had made some people idolatry. I talked to them longer during the day than I read the word. Anything you place a great value on will be tested. Mine have been and they all fell short. People that are too familiar with you, are the first ones to doubt that you carry an anointing or rather that G-d is doing anything through you. You can't hang out with "Ladi dadi and everybody"! They get too common with you and don't respect you. I happen to dream dreams. G-d had to teach me not to share those things with anyone. I did this several times and people acted as if I was looney or something. When they saw what I said they still doubted why how I knew it. And now I am just waiting for some things that I have seen to come to pass as I saw them. Some already have but others, are still in the process. Sometimes my spiritual father will give a word that is a complete confirmation of everything the father gives me and yet I still wonder how or even why G-d would tell me that. Take for instance the post on April 22--the next day he got right up and preached that same word. (His messages are never repeats). Why does father show me stuff about people but I only have slight glimpses about my own future? It just doesn't always make sense to me.

I have always been a writer...Even as a child. I love everything about paper and books. I will buy books before I buy anything and paper every time I go to the store. I'm not like other women who just have to shop and buy clothes and who have a ton of shoes. It's the greatest creative force there is. Written words that were once spoken...
I have projects that are in the works that should be finished but they aren't. I work on them daily but I think I have been working so slow because I still doubt my ability to pull it all off. So, now therein lies the cause of the wilderness. Fear. I have been operating in fear. I just realized this today. I have know that I was a writer longer than I have known that I was called to preach. I have accepted the preaching and really get excited about it. I love the word. I happen to know that I can't run from him--I take Jonas testimony to heart. I happen to know that I wouldn't even want to even if I could. What else would I do? But now the writing...That happens to be a whole other issue. Still, it's a challenge. If it wasn't , it wouldn't be G-d.

This journey...Most days it's a fight. I get the lesson though. My wilderness is just like the children of Israel's. It's to eradicate any form of unbelief that exists within me. He wants to show me who he is and who I am. I can get out whenever I want. I just have to realize that I am able. You know the children of Israel could've left Egypt at any time. Moses was there 40 years before he went back and he just left when he did. How come the rest of them stayed. How come no one else just decided to run like he did? The word says they more powerful than the Egyptians, yet they stayed all that time. Almost seems dumb doesn't it? It reminds me of gangs and the mafia--Egypt is the same model they use. Everybody wants out but they all fear one man. Does it ever occur to them to just rise up against the one man and be free?

G-d is teaching me who I am and who he is. He trying to show me his power and the power that he has placed within me. Still--it's a process. I have embraced this season. I want to learn how to exist in the power and measure I was created to walk in. The process just happens to be uncomfortable. I am still blessed. So I continue to just do my best to walk this walk...

Be blessed.
Chosen.

2006-04-29T18:31:00.000-06:00

Heaven...

I was driving today through Belvedere today and it was raining and it was so beautiful that I thought about heaven. It was full of blooming trees and deep green grasses. I imagined what it must be like there. Actually I happen to know. It's just like earth only minus the sorrow and the sin, flesh and blood.

We are spirits in flesh containers. Why-- because we are created in the likeness of father and in his image--God is a spirit. Man existed before the body was formed from the dirt--but all of this is another message, for another time. (Genesis 1:27)

If you wonder where I got that heaven is just like here, it's from the writings of Enoch. If you also wonder why I mention that it's because they are scripture according to Jesus, his brother John and others in the bible. There are plenty of other books not in our canon, that are mentioned, but that are talked about in the word. But if Jesus can quote Enoch, so can I. (see John 7:38) After all he was/is our our example.

Nevertheless, I think about heaven because it's my home. When I return it will be familiar to me and things will come back to me. places I have been, people I have known. I really don't want to be technical in this post, but I feel that I have to because everyone may not know some of this stuff. Hebrews says if we are mindful we have opportunity to return. (see Hebrews 11:15)

Return...you can't return somewhere you have never been. My home is heaven. I am here, born into this realm for a divine purpose. When it is fulfilled, I will go home. So I think about it a lot. Who i'll see, places i'll visit, what my house looks like when I get there. Surely full of all the things I love because Jesus said he was preparing a place for me and no one knows what I like better than my father!

But heaven...think of it--you don't have to fight the enemy like we do here. I know I'm going because Jesus said he never lost one except one that wasn't his to begin with (John 17:12). And once forgiven, always forgiven. The fabulous thing about G-d is that he forgave us for past, present and future sin. You can never do anything that he won't forgive you for. You can't do anything to keep him for loving you--he is love.

I am G-dly jealous of anyone who is already in the presence of the father. Welcomed back home.

Heaven...think about it.
Be blessed.
Chosen.

(for further info on other books written not inour cannon of 66 see-- 2 Chronicles 9:29, 2 Chronicles 12:15, Numbers 21:14, Joshua 10:13, 2 Samuel 1:18, 1 kings 11:41, 1 Kings 14:19, v. 29, 15:7, v. 23, v. 31, 16:5, 1 kings 16:14, v. 20, v. 27, 22:39, Act 7:42, for a few examples).

2006-04-22T13:55:00.000-06:00

Are you a liar?

I have to first say that I am the first partaker of this message. So this is not my intent to lash out at anyone in particular. I write this to remind and to teach. I was reading in the book of proverbs chapter 17 where in verse 4 says that "A wicked doer giveth heed to false lips; and a liar giveth ear to a naughty tongue". Now you may ask what does this mean practically? This means that you allow others or even the adversary to speak negative things to you and they go unchallenged. Or you yourself do it. To allow anyone to speak contrary to what you want to see show up in your life is to partake in a lie. You give heed to false lips!

Now I will probably get under someone's skin when I say this, but...Most of us are liars. How is that? If you are walking with G-d-meaning you are saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Ghost--if you are not mature--you are more than likely still a liar. I say that because most of us say we are believing G-d but then when circumstances seem to get the better of us we speak contrary to the word of G-d as it relates to those circumstances. You can not expect to see the manifestation of a promise in your life and then speak against what the word of G-d says. You see, the thing about lying is that we assume that it means something as it pertains to gossip or hearsay.
That's only part of it. Lying is speaking anything that is not true. The problem with a lie is that it always has an element of the truth somewhere in there. Your head may hurt but you need to claim healing because that's what the word says you are. Healed! So then what is truth? The scriptures say that G-d's word is the truth (John 17:17)--truth meaning it is the highest form of reality.

Even when you say that you are healed--though you have yet to come into the manifestation of perfect health--it is the truth because the natural or physical things we experience are temporal (2 Corin 4:18). Temporal meaning they are subject to change. Temporal things are not real. If they were they wouldn't be able to change. What you have to understand is that angels are the reapers of your harvest. They are in charge of bringing into manifestation those things that you and I are standing on the word for. (see Matthew 13:30, v39) How do they do that? They adhere to the words that you speak. (Daniel 10:12) Now we know that words created the universe (Genesis 1 and Hebrews 11:3)--therefore words create our circumstances and situations. What do the angels hear you saying? Does it line up with the things that you should be saying or are you lying?

The mark of maturity is to understand that every word out of your mouth means something. So that means you don't just say ignorant things. You must know it and practice it! You understand that you are operating in a law--what you say will come to pass if you say it enough. Thank G-d the system works this way. Imagine if we said it and it showed up! Now that would be wonderful on a good day--but what about if we messed up and said something both negative and stupid? That's why this may sound odd for me to say but I would really like to talk to 50 Cent and tell him that if he continues to call himself that he will eventually be reduced to that. He needs to change his name to 50 billion or something. I know he has worked too hard to want that to happen.

The bible says that wisdom crieth in the streets (Proverbs 1:20). Therefore we can very easily find an example there for what we want to avoid and learn from it. Let's take the actor Redd Foxx for example--most of us watched week after week as he pretended to have a heart attack and that's exactly what he died from because there is no comedy in the spirit realm.

You cannot say that G-d knows what you mean--he only knows what you say. The saints say all the time that they are calling those things that be not as though they were(Romans 14:17) not understanding that the law works both ways! All I can say is--let's line up with the word.

My next post will cover "Lashon Ha-ra" --evil communication.

Be blessed!
Chosen.

2006-04-18T15:46:00.000-06:00

My father does it again!

I have to tell this because I love to brag on my father and the things that he does for me all the time. He is just awesome like that! Last night in service my spiritual father blessed with me and my husband with the gift that just keeps on giving! In 3 months my husband and our children will be moving to a home of our own. For some people that may not be a great feat but last year we had serious setbacks after a bout of disobedience that cost us our home that we were living in with an option for purchase, as well as our brand new suv. We hit the bottom. We had to go back to living in an apartment.

Now there is nothing wrong with an apartment--in fact we were blessed to find a great high-rise in mid-town that was not only lower in rent,with more space than the house were in, it has 3 balconies for us to enjoy the scenery and great weather, and it was also energy efficient with a somewhat set utility bill--all for a mere 700.00 a month. We were blessed. Not to mention that we had such great favor with the apartment manager. We love it here. Time has passed and we are ready to go now. We knew that. We knew when we came this was temporary. So we are house hunting.

Friday we went to the bank to take care of some business and we inquired about the mortgage that we had already pre-qualified for last year but decided to wait before we found what we wanted and not what we are willing too accept. Too many saints are settling for things that G-d would never desire for us. If your money can do it/qualify you for it, it's not G-d. It does't require his hand and it's not a faith venture. He tells us that whatever is not of faith is sin (Romans 14:23). I know people would disagree, but you are entitled to do so--keep arguing with it while I am blessed because I know it and you simply think it! Nevertheless, prior to going to service last night we talked about our father doing something great for us and that we were planning on beginning the packing process early to be prepared.

At the end of service, during the offering, as I went to pay my tithes my spiritual father--a man I have only had one other conversation with and that was last year during a time when he prophesied to my daughter who is 12--he told us that he was going to pay our rent for the next 3 months and that G-d said to get ready for a house! What a confirmation! Prophesy should always be a confirmation and it is designed to edify. We needed that word because even though we were already making plans to move--in faith--we needed to know that we were on the right track with what he wanted us to be doing. Not only that, the finances that we will have extra now, were a confirmation of a business venture that I was entering into. I had told the father that if he wanted me to move forward, the money that I need would come forth! And it has, Praise God!

Now unlike some saints, no one knew this information but me and my husband and my oldest daughter. We don't rattle off our business like some people do. The word says have faith to yourself( Romans 14:26) We are obedient to that. Everyone in the church is not happy for you to be blessed, as sad as it is. The word also tells us in Ecclesiates 5:1

Keep thy foot when thou goest to the house of God, and be more ready to hear, than to give the sacrifice of fools: for they consider not that they do evil.

We didn't have those warnings when we were at the club! People bought us drinks there and picked us to go! But that's another post... Nor is our spiritual father like other preachers in town, that feel they have to be in touch with his people. He doesn't stand around talking to people after service nor is he common with any of us. Sound impersonal? Well just know that he has his reasons and so whenever he gets up to preach, he has our word in his belly. He is so in tune with with the father that he never fails to answer any question that we have especially those that are usually ones that are just between us and God. So we never have to doubt that how he knows what he knows. He teaches us things that other pastors wouldn't dare teach or say and in the simplest of terms so we can take the word home and live it without struggling to maintain holiness or integrity. He's a prophet. The very best prophet. I just thank God for the privilidge of having him.
I just wanted to share that. I am so happy and still a little shocked. But happy!

Be blessed. Chosen