Bitter…

“lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled”Hebrews 12:15b

I would love to tell you that I had the most fabulous holiday. But…that would be a lie. I have been asking G-d to deliver me from a complaining spirit so I try not to complain at all about anything. And I must not stray from my own personal rule. I will say that the one bad apple thing…it’s true. I refused to allow it damper my time. I still had fun and I can’t wait until the next holiday to celebrate with them all over again.

However, I have learned some very important life lessons as a result of this holiday. This was the first year for our family to share the holidays with my BIL and wife and kids that were all here when we got here. We have missed all of the holidays together for one reason or another even when we were in the same state together for a short season. So for most of us, we were really looking forward to sharing the experience of what we do together during this period of time. We always have a big meal and then we talk, tell stories and watch movies together. Not terribly deep, but incredibly fun when you get to reminiscing about past holidays and funny things that happened. I know my BIL was really looking forward to it because he’s the oldest boy and he has missed all the holiday things we do and just because he is incredibly family oriented that way.

Now the wives and I share similar childhood experiences which I know can make it personally hard for a person to enjoy family type situations. I look back on my first holiday season with my husband and his family and it sucked too. I was b-tchy and standoffish and it was just bad. Since then I have had the privilege of allowing G-d to heal me in the area of familiar relationships and they have not. As I sat here this weekend, I realized that the enemy robs us of things that we have diligently work hard to get back. One the first areas of attack is in our families. Many of us are under attack even before we are born. Once we get here he attacks the very people purposed to love and protect us so that we are “damaged” long before we are even able to realize what has been done. Somehow most of us believe that we are fine once we escape our surroundings and even our families but there is always something that hangs onto us keeping us tied to the damage.

I am a continuous survivor and fighter of these things. I say continuous because I don’t think we are ever fully delivered. Deliverance is always contingent upon our work at it. Every day I have to fight to stay “healed” in this area. I have had several talks with both SIL’s and I understand that all in G-ds time will healing began or even take place. The key as always is acknowledgement. I had to learn to talk to G-d about the things that hurt most. It wasn’t enough to say that he knew because G-d will not press us talk to him or even address sensitive spots. When we invite him into the situation, then he can began the work that needs to be done.

Bad experiences cause bitterness. You know bitterness--that thing that makes you hang on to the anger you have for your ex that did you wrong or inability to move past the things and the people that hurt you in your childhood. I realized the other day, that there is still some bitterness in areas of me that require the work of G-d’s all sufficient grace and healing. The scripture on this post is accurate--bitterness is like a root troubling our lives, tearing up everything good and defiling our lives. It hinders progress and keeps the pain of yesterday fresh in today. It causes fear and causes us to hold on to what we need to let go of. It robs us of trust and true joy.

Bitterness is healed on a case by case basis. Some things will come easily, while other things will take a longer time to heal and some will still have “tender spots” long after healing occurs. For example I am no longer angry or bitter with my mother for my childhood but rather I am thankful for G-d’s work in me through that experience. As a result I am a better mother and a stronger woman. I have those things to pass on to my daughters and generations to come. G-d has given me “beauty for ashes” in this area. However, there are spots there that are still “tender”. I am no longer bitter over my failed relationships with my exes because they taught me what I didn’t want and what I really needed. I understand the value of G-ds sanction over my relationships personal and intimate. I know from those experiences that even beautiful beginnings can have ugly endings. I am no longer bitter over my ex’s abandonment of his child and I know that my child’s deliverance will come when it’s time for it too. I put him in the care of G-ds hands because he’s able to bear that where I can’t. However, there is a whole slew of other events that have happened that I am still working on. That root has to dug up, cut up and burnt out. That requires time, hard work and patience.

I am however speaking to my mountains…I say what I want to see and not what I see currently. You know, sometimes we speak things into another person’s life without even realizing it. People have done us that way and we likewise do others that way. Speak what you want to see. You may have to say it for awhile before it shows up, but speak it until it does. Negative things show up quickly because we BELIEVE those things are as they are when we speak them. Likewise when you believe the positive and speak them it’ll show up quickly too.
I hope you all had wonderful times with your families and friends.

Be Blessed.
Chosen.