Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8

It’s amazing how busy you can get during the summer months. I have a ton of things on my schedule and it appears that there will be little time left for ME. Uh uh, that’s not going to work. I was reading the comments from my last post and I hadn’t really thought about whether people wondered why I rarely mention my kids here. I did a little in the beginning, but I decided that I needed a place that could simply be for me. A place to think clearly and speak freely. I was just coming in to the acceptance of being called to preach and I need somewhere that would help me grow as a result of the things I was facing with this new found acceptance. When you have 5 kids you rarely have a moment to yourself, especially if they are at home all day. I go to the bathroom and those who don’t go in with me have a tendency to wait at the door, literally. If I do mange to go in by myself, someone will sit there and talk to me through the door until come out. For some people that would work on them, but they love me and that feels really good.

However, in the 11 years I have been married, I have never been out with my husband alone, had a babysitter that was not related to me and even then it was to go and do things like laundry or grocery shop. I’ve gone to dinner with both of my sister-in-laws separately 2 times this year and that was a major thing or me. Now, that I work I have less time to accomplish all the things I am still responsible for and that can be quite a balancing act sometimes. So I am learning the art of selfishness. Making time for me is very important. I joined a fitness club so that I can take better care of my body and my health. I preach it all day at work and now it’s time to really give it to myself. I have to teach my kids to take good care of them and I know they are going to get that by watching me.

Now in the beginning, I summed myself up in that one word “mother.” I allowed it to define me totally and it bled into everything that I did. Books I read, music I listened to. Everything. My closet is full of clothes I thought “mothers” should wear. Clothes I now hate. Up until last year, I really didn’t get that I am just a jeans and stiletto kind of woman regardless of the fact that I have children. The closet is going thru a renovation! I had boxed myself in without realizing it. Especially, since I have been a mother as long as I have been an adult. It really didn’t give me time to even know who I was minus environment. At 33 I am just discovering things about me that I had never realized before.

Being a mother was all that I ever thought I wanted to be and I love it as much as I thought I would. Even with five I still can’t accept that I won’t have anymore.(In another “life” I could surely see at least 2 more). Looking back, I realize I really wanted to be what I felt I didn’t have within that desire to be a mom. Even that is a learning experience. Every day I learn something new. Last week I almost broke my toe while in the midst of disciplining. Folks acted as if they were ignoring me and I commenced the yelling movement. I hit my toe several times-(the same toe, can you imagine?) during that period. I took it that yelling wasn’t the way to go with that process. So I learned that lesson real fast. That toe is still sore. When I talk calm they listen better anyway.

I am constantly reminded that they are not my children anyway. They all belong to G-d and I have them on “loan”. Scripture says they are His heritage-doesn’t mention me anywhere. I am just helping Him. He wouldn’t yell so I have to take note of that. I turned 33 last week and I realize that with G-d we are all children and will always be that to Him. That's why Jesus mentioned that we have humble ourselves as little children to receive the kingdom (Matthew 18:3). He cares for us as we care or our kids when they are small--providing all, giving direction, teaching, protecting. I know I'll never know enough about me or anything to not seek Him for input and direction. No matter how I acquire things, He gave it to me. Getting what He promised me is all about realizing that I am a child even in the midst of being an adult. It's fine balance, but knowing that He has my back at all times makes it easier to relinquish my will to His.

Until next time…
Be Blessed.

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Blogger chele said...

33? I'm stunned.

I'm glad that you are finding time for yourself ... it's essential. Once my kids got older it dawned on me that one day they would be leaving me. My job will be done and if all I ever did was "mother" than I would be completely lost when they left. I had to get a life of my own outside of them.

2:11 PM  
Blogger T said...

I think that last line: "Knowing that He has my back at all times makes it easier to relinquish my will to His" says it all. In fact, I think it's very likely the whole point of life, at least the life of a Christian. If we can have peace knowing that He is on our side, then we have everything we could ever dream of.


8:18 AM  
Blogger Heart Drops said...

"If I do mange to go in by myself, someone will sit there and talk to me through the door until come out."
You're lucky. I went in with my mom and talked to her while she pooped!
I can't believe you're 33. God has def. blessed you with wisdom way beyond your years! I'm glad you're getting some me time. It's needed!

7:03 PM  
Blogger Rosemarie said...

As women and mothers, we tend to put everyone else's needs before our own. We hardly ever think about our selves to the extreme of robbing our family in the end. We're hungry, tired, resentful, and in need of our own outlets.

"I summed myself up in that one word “mother.” I allowed it to define me totally and it bled into everything that I did."

Thankfully, I have always sought out my other giftings apart from motherhood and it has helped tremendously.

10:03 AM  

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