Patience.

Definition: The ability to wait without complaint, compromise and without replacing G-d with someone or something.

Today I am weary. My body is challenged. I feel like sleeping all day long. I have spoken every confession that I can. I have read all the bible I feel like reading for right now. I don’t feel like complaining. I just want my stuff. I am spiritually weary. I feel as if I can’t take another step. But somehow, I know that I will. We have church tonight and I am sitting at the computer in a dirty t-shirt and undies with my hair uncombed. I don’t even feel like moving from this spot. We had service tonight and I don’t even know if I am going or not.

Me, who never misses service except for illness of my children. I don’t miss for anything else or anyone else. That’s Shiloh. I go there to hear what the spirit of the Lord is saying. I go for confirmation of what father has told me that day. Sometimes, I get it and sometimes, I have to wait for it. But I always go. Last week was a particularly long week for me. 2 services on Sunday, Monday night, and tonight. Yet I am sitting here pondering whether I am going or not.

Someone asked me today on my blog about waiting…It struck a chord. I too am waiting. I waiting for finances, for peace and for deliverance from all dead situations. I feel rebellious today. But I can’t even muster up the strength to be.

Ironically enough I am in the middle of reading 1 Samuel with some fellow bloggers. I am enjoying myself with the reading. Often I find myself catching little things that I missed all the other times that I read these chapters. Today’s reading reminds me how important patience is.
You see the children of Israel wanted a king, so G-d gave them one even though they were out of his timing. He had already spoken to Moses that he would eventually give them a king way back in Deuteronomy 17:14. But because they were impatient they received a man who was both not ready nor capable of handling the responsibility of listening to G-d nor leading the people of G-d. They looked at him at him decided that he was good enough. It wasn’t as if he was someone known for his abilities in the kingdom. He looked good--he was tall, and good looking and weak. He hid behind the stuff when Samuel was trying to appoint him as king. He was already scared of the reactions of the people.

What I noticed about Saul today was that he really had no relationship with G-d. He served as king for over 2 years before he ever took the time to build an altar to G-d which represented worship. He had no real relationship with G-d. He was dependant on Samuel. So whenever it came time to make a decision, the text shows us time and again that he did what he felt he should do and never consulted G-d. When he finally got around to asking G-d, he didn’t get an answer. So he took things into his own hand causing the people to sin and finally causing the kingdom to be rent from his hand. Now this is what the people wanted, a kang….
He was neither ready nor capable of doing the job that he had been positioned to do.

I could swear I have heard this story before…(Told you I was feeling rebellious today!).

Ah well, I guess I learned today that I have suffered enough from being impatient. I could write a list of things that would shock most people but, I won’t. (As you can see, I might need to go so my spiritual father can lay hands on me with a whole bottle of oil!). I get the lesson of impatience. I am learning from that every day.

But I am battle weary today. I can’t carry another person. I can’t answer another question from my children or from my husband. I need….to cross over Jordan-Canaan seems as if it’s too far away. I need a breakthrough. So, I read Samuel today, but ummm…waiting is not what I want to hear right now. And though I don’t really feel like getting up, I must. Stay tuned…I know there is a word in the house tonight so I must press my way on.