Walking with father... An Intimate portrait

Today is my 8th year anniversary since I got saved. I have been thinking the last couple of days about all the things that I have had to face since I made that decision. As a child, I thought getting saved would be the scariest thing. It seemed that anyone who got saved, had to give up everything that they loved and liked to do it. So I decided that I would have all the fun that I wanted to and then at 40 I would be ready to give my all to father. I had my time-line planned out. Funny thing is, his time and my time was two totally different things.

I knew that G-d had been pulling on me for some time. I can actually say that have felt that pull all my life. God has been my best friend since I can remember. I didn't realize back then all those letters to him and conversations with him my head were "valid". I thought it was really more complicated to talk to him so surely I was just "imagining" that I could really talk to him that way.

I used to think that he had to force me to get saved. But I know now he just drew me....

You see, after I had my 7 year old-"the curly haired preacher"-I was faced with a life threatening illness. I ended up getting sick and I stayed that way for months in and out of the hospital with no real diagnosis. Imagine having a 3 month old baby, a 6 year old and a 7 year old and being faced with leaving them, not knowing who would take care of them and knowing that know one would be able to do for them what I would. I knew my husband would need help. It was in ICU that on my wall at Baptist hospital, there was a scripture

" In the day of my trouble I will call upon thee: for thou wilt answer me."

Psalm 86:7

For me that was a promise that I felt he had to answer. I told G-d then, that if he delivered me, I would work hard to serve him all the days of my life. After being released, I went back to my job and I was invited to church by a co-worker. I joined there. Now, I have to tell you that while I was in the church, I was under attack. The devil was literally trying to drive me back into the hospital while I was sitting in the church. Later that week, I did end up right back in there, but it was that week that they finally diagnosed me. Pulmonary embolii of the right lung. My bottom right lung was filled with blood clots that was killing the lung tissue and cutting out air. I had 2 choices--hope that the blood thinners would dissolve the clots or cut off the bottom of that lung--that also included 6 weeks of hospitalization and 6 months of rehabilitation. I have to tell you, asking G-d wasn't my first thought, I was worried more about our financial future than my current health state. I was the bread winner at the time. And I had used up all of my time off in the hospital. But I reminded G-d of my promise. I held on to 2 scriptures because I was unfamiliar with his word. Isaiah 53:5 and Psalms 86:7.

I made a choice then that I was not going to have my lung lopped off. It was as simple as that.
My nurse in ICU told me that there were other women in the hospital suffering from that same thing as I was and they had opted for the surgery. I wasn't settling for that. Surely G-d did not lie right? I just sat there in the hospital, by myself, and cried most days. But I held onto that promise.

Illness shows you who you are really hooked up with. People don't mind you being sick for a while, but long term ill-ness shows you who's in your corner. My mother never showed up. A fact that I am still not able to handle. My kids needed her. I needed her even if we have had this strained kind of relationship all my life. But in all the months--no show. I realized then that all I had was G-d. He was still the only friend that I had. When I was delivered I made a conscious decision that I would hang in there with him. It has been hell. I even at one point turned back. Getting saved caused all hell to break out in my home. But it has been the best decision that I have ever made. As much suffering as I have had to deal with, and as much as I am going through right now, I would not change a thing. I can actually sit here and say I wouldn't change a thing.

Every thing that I have been through has taught me of just how big, bad and bossy he really is. So, I know some people can't relate yet when I say that whoever has to go for me to do what I need to do in the kingdom is fine for me. Only the crucible of pain and being forsaken can put you there. Some can only say that they know G-d is all they need--I know He's all I need and that when it gets down to it, he's all I have. People love can't compare to G-d love. We are deceived to think that it's the same. But it can't compare. So I have learned that I really don't prefer anyone over him. I like being alone with him. People fail, but G-d is faithful. No matter how hard it is, I have to press on. I can't turn back. It would be insult to all that I have been through with him and all that he's delivered me from. To turn back would indicate that all this time has been for nothing. That would be a lie!

So, I'm walking with him. And he's training me to be the warrior that he created me to be. I didn't even know what a warrior was but this is what he told me one morning last year:

Warriors are committed fighters. They are always ready for war by the constant study of their adversary. There is constant preparation and meditation on their eminent victory. Losing is never an option, but if they are defeated they begin to prepare all over again to fight that same enemy this time assessing their mistakes and those of others. They learn from their mistakes so that success is guaranteed the next time around. Being a warrior means that you have to pay attention and be willing to learn at all times. You have to be in constant training. You focus is central and single-minded willing to forsake everything else for the cause. Warriors fight while wounded. Giving up is not an option. Only overcoming is.

G-d has called all of his children to be warriors. When he taught me that last year, I thought that's not me. But looking back, that's exactly what I am. A warrior. I wouldn't want to be anything or anyone else. I look at people some time with their short battles and quick victories. And their constant state of calm. I don't hate on them for that. But I ask father how come I can't be that way? It almost seems unfair. I am always battling 2 or 3 things at a time. But he told me, every one can't handle the fight. He reminded me of when he took the children of Israel around the long way so that they wouldn't go to battle and turn back...(Exodus 13:7). That doesn't make it any easier, but I guess I understand.

So I'm walking...I may trip a few times and even fall. But I get up, dust myself off and fix myself because I know that I am on my way somewhere and he is right there beside me.

Be Blessed.

Chosen.