Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Wilderness Experience

I am in the wilderness. Have you ever been there? That place where everything is unfamiliar and you are essentially lost and you have only G-d to guide you. You know that you're on your way somewhere but after it seems to take longer than you thought you become impatient, discouraged and even lonely? You happen to watch other people move at a quiet pace and things seem to be working out for them in every area. Now I am not tricked by peoples outward appearance. If you talked to most of us without our church persona on, you'd be shocked to see how vulnerable and soft we really are. People seem to think you have it all together even though, you are just trying to make it through whatever phase you are in.

No ones wilderness experience is the same. So no one can really tell you how to get out or how to move forward. I have been reading the book of Exodus to understand this phase. I happen to struggle with my calling. I don't mean to, it's just hard for me to understand why I am being used this way. I always knew I would be married to a preacher. Don't ask me why or how I knew this. Even as a child. My mother used to talk about one of here friends that even as a child they knew he was going to be preacher--he knew that as a child. I always knew my husband would be a preacher. He is. No church yet, but that's still what he's called to do. I knew even when he didn't. The prophet had to tell him because he didn't believe me. Nevertheless...He knows now. But me being a preacher? When I realized it, I ignored it for another 2 years. I wouldn't even tell anybody. Nor would i say it out loud.

I have had to let go of most of the people that I thought were necessary to my every day existence. A lesson learned. I have found that I do enjoy being by myself. It allows me to hear the fathers voice a little clearer. I'm ion a better place with him now. I had made some people idolatry. I talked to them longer during the day than I read the word. Anything you place a great value on will be tested. Mine have been and they all fell short. People that are too familiar with you, are the first ones to doubt that you carry an anointing or rather that G-d is doing anything through you. You can't hang out with "Ladi dadi and everybody"! They get too common with you and don't respect you. I happen to dream dreams. G-d had to teach me not to share those things with anyone. I did this several times and people acted as if I was looney or something. When they saw what I said they still doubted why how I knew it. And now I am just waiting for some things that I have seen to come to pass as I saw them. Some already have but others, are still in the process. Sometimes my spiritual father will give a word that is a complete confirmation of everything the father gives me and yet I still wonder how or even why G-d would tell me that. Take for instance the post on April 22--the next day he got right up and preached that same word. (His messages are never repeats). Why does father show me stuff about people but I only have slight glimpses about my own future? It just doesn't always make sense to me.

I have always been a writer...Even as a child. I love everything about paper and books. I will buy books before I buy anything and paper every time I go to the store. I'm not like other women who just have to shop and buy clothes and who have a ton of shoes. It's the greatest creative force there is. Written words that were once spoken...
I have projects that are in the works that should be finished but they aren't. I work on them daily but I think I have been working so slow because I still doubt my ability to pull it all off. So, now therein lies the cause of the wilderness. Fear. I have been operating in fear. I just realized this today. I have know that I was a writer longer than I have known that I was called to preach. I have accepted the preaching and really get excited about it. I love the word. I happen to know that I can't run from him--I take Jonas testimony to heart. I happen to know that I wouldn't even want to even if I could. What else would I do? But now the writing...That happens to be a whole other issue. Still, it's a challenge. If it wasn't , it wouldn't be G-d.

This journey...Most days it's a fight. I get the lesson though. My wilderness is just like the children of Israel's. It's to eradicate any form of unbelief that exists within me. He wants to show me who he is and who I am. I can get out whenever I want. I just have to realize that I am able. You know the children of Israel could've left Egypt at any time. Moses was there 40 years before he went back and he just left when he did. How come the rest of them stayed. How come no one else just decided to run like he did? The word says they more powerful than the Egyptians, yet they stayed all that time. Almost seems dumb doesn't it? It reminds me of gangs and the mafia--Egypt is the same model they use. Everybody wants out but they all fear one man. Does it ever occur to them to just rise up against the one man and be free?

G-d is teaching me who I am and who he is. He trying to show me his power and the power that he has placed within me. Still--it's a process. I have embraced this season. I want to learn how to exist in the power and measure I was created to walk in. The process just happens to be uncomfortable. I am still blessed. So I continue to just do my best to walk this walk...

Be blessed.