Saturday, August 26, 2006

New Beginnings….

I know that I have been gone for a minute. I hadn’t planned to be but I am in a significant transition right now and it requires a lot more of my time and attention than I really anticipated. I really can’t wait until I can be back to blogging regularly. I miss sharing the things that I have been experiencing. I am learning so many new things about myself that G-d has been illuminating for me that I am trying to keep it all written down day by day.
I am still reading other people blogs…I even comment now and then. I can see from reading Diva’s blog that I am not the only one with people’s mouths all over something they neither understand nor comprehend. I know that I have been guilty of that myself from time to time, but I have learned that we truly all do make our own way. From now on, I am happy if you are. G-d has had to teach me that we are all operating differently so what works for me, may not work for you and vice versa. I am especially confronted with that since I have noticed that people that I share the same church home with look at me crazy when I decided to walk in the teaching whole heartedly and confront some areas in my life. It’s a little weird to me, but whatever. If I didn’t believe the word from Genesis to the maps and even the scriptures that the editors decided to leave out of our canon of 66 books, but that Jesus still quotes in the gospels, I’d just stay home and watch T.V. and live however I wanted. If G-d can't do it, i'm wasting my time. But that’s just ME. I realize that what I am willing to give up and do is not what others think or feel. What I needed was support and not criticism. And since that requires a great deal of change in the people that I associate with--family included. That’s what I have to do. Even if failure occurs from time to time, I need support more than anything. If you are not helping me, you are hindering me.
From reading Chele I noticed that I am not the only woman who has been struggling with depression. Shoot, I have struggled with it all my life. I haven’t picked up any meds or even went to counseling for it but I have carried all 6 of the symptoms for lengthy periods of time. I finally decided to get to the root of the problem and cut out some things and people that are feeding the symptoms. Thus the new beginning. I feel so much stronger these days and I know that it’s because I am no longer tying to carry a burden that was too big for me to handle. Some things only he can do in me and for me. I get that completely now.

I have constructed my own little “family” in the blogging world. Well actually I won’t take credit for it because I believe some of these connections are true G-d connections. People who listen and speak from the heart and give you there analysis with stunning honesty and who are willing to add me to their prayer lists. I am so grateful for that. Thank you Serenity and LadyLee! I find it amazing that total strangers can connect on a level and that people you are related to don't even know you like that. Weird, but true. I find myself recounting stories from the blogs only I often have a hard time explaining who the people are. I just ignore the question and keep talking. My daughter knows though. I read her some things that I get from the endless nuggets of wisdom and truth and she laughs with me or she takes notes. I love that child. She is so smart.

More than anything I am finally confronting issues that I had longed buried and kept to myself. I am owning the things that I see in others that I recognize in myself. It’s a lengthy process, but it’s so worth it. I understand that when I pray perfect will it comes with a price tag. A huge one. I don’t want to get to the next level and still have ugly stuff in me. So I am required to purge myself. I want what G-d wants for me and nothing less. I’ll only be happy with that. I get that too. Everything has to come with a analysis, prayer and confirmations. Otherwise I am going to skip it. Whatever doesn’t comes from G-d, is a gift from the enemy. I don’t want deliverance from a myriad of new things simply because I failed to get his advice or wisdom before hand. I am so grateful for his patience and grace towards me. It’s incredibly comforting during this time. I am leaning, clinging and walking as upright as possible. I realize though, what appears to be chaos, is simply G-d working out things for me. I am reminded daily that just because it’s not according to my plans or how I would do it, he knows best and that waiting on him and allowing him to do it, will leave the best results in the end.
Until next time…
Be Blessed.