Thursday, June 22, 2006

Trust…and other issues

I have trust issues. I know that I am not the only one. In some ways we all have some form of mistrust within us. Somewhere along the line someone broke their word, said something or acted in a manner which caught us off guard therefore instilling a breach within us that causes us to question whether or not we are able to “hand” ourselves to them. It’s extremely painful. Especially when everything in you wants to trust and you are struggling with it still.

I realized lately that it’s not normal nor natural for us to be this way. We are born in trust. Our mother’s trusted that we existed in them before they could see or feel. Before we ever arrive here, we dwell in the womb of a woman we only know by sound and often touch. We when finally actually come from within her, we can barely hear or see, yet we trust that we will be cared for by using nothing but our senses. We smell and hear our mothers before we can actually see them. But we know even then that if we cry out they come running to fulfill the need that we can’t communicate to them in words yet. Every time they show up, our trust and faith in them increases. We believe that they will and can do whatever we need them to do.

Before we love, we trust. It’s that trust that establishes our ability to love. Likewise when I first was saved, I learned first to trust what G-d could do for me. I really had no idea he would do so much. Little things like surrounding me with my favorite color or allowing me to see a sign that something was going to be worked out. Over the course of time he still does things for me, but he requires more of me. And my the battles have become larger and in the midst of failures, I have even lost my trust for some things with him. I trust him to get me to heaven, that all of my sins are forgiven--past, present and future and that the word that I spend time in is true. I know he’ll heal me because he did. In comparison it would seem that it would be simple to trust him in all things. Yet I often struggle with trusting him to show me how to get my life back on track, with my ability to see my way clear of things that I put myself in and even with my ability as one of his chosen. I don’t want to not trust him. Yet, sometimes…

I realized what the problem is. It’s love. I am in a relationship with him and I have some how placed him in the low degree of a person. I have some how jumbled my experiences of lost love and mistrust into my relationship with him. And the problem with most relationships is that we have unrealistic expectations in the area of love. We expect a love from flesh like that which can only come from Father--that unchanging, constant, all accepting, life altering love. One that sees the worst of me and accepts me and forgives me when I fall short. He’s always patient with me when I need to grow, the love from him that’s strong enough to endure hardship and struggle and time. “People” love can’t begin to go there. We can come close sometimes, but somewhere it will still fall short.

So I wondered how did I allow my mistrust to taint my love and relationship with him? It was the failures. Failure in any respect causes fear, and fear causes mistrust and mistrust affects love. Anything that we are ever in is conquerable (1 Corin 10:13). We simply have trust him to show us how to get ourselves out. My thing is more about failure than anything. I don’t want to fall again. (I am a witness that some falls are lot easier to get up from than others). I don’t not want to trust him and I know that it’s not my fault when I miss it and I fail. I have been feeling like my heart is fragile and thinking how great a step it is to place it into his hands completely. Then I read this scripture:

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Prov 3:5

I realize that somehow, I am going to have to surrender myself in those areas where I lack trust in him. I have to do it one step at a time, but it has to be done. I have to remove “me” from the equation and know that he will do it because of his love for me. My heart is fragile to me, but I am of a greater value to him than I am to myself. Otherwise I would have no need of deliverance in any area. He understands that all of me is fragile. Fathers understand that. And I am having to learn that as well.

Be Blessed.