Saturday, May 13, 2006

On a personal note...My pet peeve.

I have yet to actually allow myself to be considerably personal on my blog. I can't really explain why when the whole point was for me to have this "hidden" diary to myself online. It was supposed to be both a place to write out what G-d shared with me everyday and to vent about everything else that is going on my life. I find that I am only doing half of that. So I find myself still extremely 'tight" because venting has a way of refreshing you.
If you haven't been clued in yet relationships are my pet peeve. They say experience is the best teacher. It is in fact the only teacher. Without the actual experience of some things we tend to doubt that things really are the way people have said. You'll be naive. Some things we can take your word for. Like, I don't need to catch A.i.d.s. to understand that it is real, ya know?!
You ever knew people who were on their way somewhere and they got hooked up with one another and it's been all down hill from there? You find yourself thinking "what happened"? When I think of that, the first couple I think of is Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. I don't happen to think that it is anyone's fault in particular that they have the issues that they have had over the years. It was simply a bad connection. You can love one another and the combination of the two of you together is just not a good thing. The bible says "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." (Proverbs 27:17)
Relationships are designed to make you better and definitely not worse. If you are worst off now, then you were--it's a sign. I am not talking about jobless, trifling, cheating, lazy people. I am talking about two saints both with good sense and that are hard working. They still can't get to where they need to be in any area together. The word talks about missing signs (Psalms 74:9) Sometimes you have them but you tread on anyway. I myself am guilty.
When I hear a woman say she is not looking for herself I feel sorry for her. She feels like she has a true grip on understanding herself so she wants someone to complement her in other ways. Sheesh!...I am not judging her, I know that only experience will teach her any different.Only the crucible of high stress moments like illness, financial losses or something BIG really allows you see you. It's some stuff in there you are probably unaware of. But really, who else can handle you, but you? I think the problem is when we think of us, we think about us in the state that we are currently in. I am referring to a mature us. An "us" that has trained themselves in the things we need help in and vice versa. The premise the opposites attract is in my belief satanic. Why? How?
If you like to read, it will eventually get on your nerves that while you are trying to read someone is trying to talk to you. If you read a lot and the other person doesn't, how could they possibly keep up with you? The conversations will eventually be stale and pushed because your thinking has changed and theirs has not. I too formerly ascribed to the theory that opposites attract. But how is that when G-d said that he has called us to peace? (1 Corin 7:15) Peace there is the word shalom--nothing, missing lacking or broken. Things and people that G-d has not connected to us require more than compromise. They require major adjustments to the point that you question the whole point of the connection in the first place. Not only that but you begin to see pieces of yourself disappear. Not stuff that needs to go--the good stuff like joy and optimism. You wake up thinking "how in the hell did I get here?" And more importantly "how do I escape?"
The word talks about a king being a child...(Ecclesiastes 10:16) How can the person that supposed to be the king--your authority be the one who needs you to make all the decisions? They need you to tell them what to do when you are simply waiting for them to trust G-d and seek him for the necessary course to take? How long should you wait for that to occur? If women are ever really honest they are looking for the same thing that G-d is looking for someone who can plot the course and loves/seeks him with all their might(Jer 5:1). We are looking for provision, protection and preservation. We desire a man who can teach us, carry us emotionally, and lead us where we are supposed to be going--that's a priest. Someone who can pray sickness off of us and our children, hold us when we cry, build us up. Someone with our word in their belly when we wake up because he was already seeking G-d for whatever situation that we are in. A praying man, willing to fast until breakthrough. Someone who loves G-d as much as you do. Who understands that G-d is first and wouldn't ask you to compromise that nor be offended that you won't. And love... Is the icing on the cake. I hear people use love loosely. Saying it and backing it up with your actions is 2 completely different things.
Two saints together can be unequally yoked. One mature and the other immature is unequal yoke. They harbor unbelief to the point that you are hindered from progress. When that scripture talks about unequally yoked(2 Corin 6:14) the Greek word there is heterozugeō it refers to being incompatible. I know we traditionally think that means that means saved and unsaved only. But Boaz--a Jew or lover of Yahweh/G-d himself--married Ruth a Moabite. A woman from idolatry and a cursed people from the loins of Lot and birthed Obed the father of Jesse, the father of David. The man who is known to have the heart of G-d. So surely it means more than that.
You can afford a woman being immature--because her husbands responsibility is ultimately to teach her anyway. But the priest/king/head....That's a whole other story. And in 8 or even 10 years time... How much longer do you wait for it to come to pass? Mistakes happen. Compromises have to made occasionally. But 10 years time? You can stay together and work it out. But at what cost? When I hear people say that it can be done, I understand that for the most part they are saying that they have accepted less than they really want, need, and desire. They have just gotten to the point of acceptance that they will simply have to do without some stuff. Mainly due to unbelief. They neither believe that they deserve more or that G-d can give more. Or they make excuses about children needing their parents. Truthfully they do. But the signal we send then to our children is that they too will have to settle and that relationships are full of trials, turmoil, anxiety and insufficiency in one way or the other. Children can have great relationships with both parents in 2 separate houses. It simply takes mature people to execute that.
Surely someone disagrees. I am prepared for that. I know what father has said...Now I just have to not only be willing to move but also understand the timing of it. I really don't understand especially with current prophecy recently released but I do know that my ways are not his ways.
Pray for me.
Be Blessed.

Friday, May 12, 2006

"It only takes everything you got!"--Counting the cost...

I have to start off by saying that I have had what is typically known as Insomnia for the last week. As a Christian, what everyone else calls insomnia is what the bible calls "watching".(ref Habakkuk 2:1 and Mark 13:33) It's the period of time that you find yourself unable to sleep because the father is trying to get you a special message for whatever situation you are facing right now or will face in the upcoming season. Instead of doing what we typically do when we can't sleep-watching a lot of TV or reading a good page turner, G-d calls us to his word.

Obviously, I was missing the message because an entire week? So finally this morning I got it. Funny thing about watching is that you won't really find yourself tired as much as you are anxious to know what father has to say to you. I wanted to be sure that I get it and get it right. I told you, I miss it sometimes. Prime example...Yesterday morning I was in the kitchen the Holy spirit said "take communion". I ignored it and went on about the day. Now why did my spiritual father get up and say that you need to take communion to cleanse the bloodline of things that are put into the flesh from your parents. I missed it. I missed it but I got right back on it this morning.

I found myself reading the psalms and father said "Without being thrown into the pit Joseph never could've became the man that he was." hmmm...Well I have to tell you that I had been a little irritated last week. I know that with anything it's a process. Mentally that is easy to agree with. Waiting it out however is the issue. During that season of waiting, you inevitably become ashamed of your lack. You get tired of telling your children "not yet", you become worn out from people looking at you funny as if you must be in some deep hidden sin because you still don't have all the father promises yet you claim he's your daddy! You walking around singing the songs of Zion but yet you can't even manage some of the simple things that others are enjoying.

I have to tell you that occasionally I get angry with G-d. And I tell him. I know he knows but until I acknowledge it he can't answer me. So I tell him everything I feel. It doesn't change the immense love that I have for him nor his for me. I rather think he appreciates my honesty and my candidness. I told him how I felt the other day. He reminded me that I had told him I no longer wanted to operate in anything but divine will. Whatever he has to tear up, burn out, uproot--so be it. I said that. So really I don't have anything to complain about. I just need to wait this thing out. It's highly uncomfortable though I have to tell you. I realized that I hadn't counted the cost of my request.

I bought a book last week from the Second Editions in the Central Library. It was called "It only takes everything you've got" by Julio Melara. It's a small(only about 128 pgs) no nonsense book
that shares the authors tips and nuggets for a successful life. It's a good read. I haven't finished it yet, but I love it already. I bought it for the title. I fell in love with in the opening pages when he said he does 3 things every morning read, write and run. It drove me to keep reading.

Nevertheless, the point I am trying to make is, serving G-d is only going to cost everything that you have. Jesus said "And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:38 In the midst of my anger I forgot that. I also forgot that in order to serve G-d and follow Jesus the disciples had to leave all to become who he said they were. Peter was kind enough to remind Jesus of that in Luke 18:28. And even they at one point turned back and went back fishing after Jesus had left because they were afraid to continue without the physical presence of Jesus. (John 21:3) So please tell me what I was complaining about? You would have never known that Peter who had the revelation of who Jesus really was and who loved him immensely would deny him and turn back from his walk momentarily. But he did that. Going fishing was returning to his vomit that he had been delivered from 3 years prior when he was called by Jesus. All that knowledge and revelation, yet he still suffered from the same things most of us suffer from-- doubt, unbelief and ultimately fear. Jesus loved him no less though. The angels made a point to call Peter by name when he they sought Jesus at the sepulcher.

And finally Joseph...To serve G-d you will encounter Joseph moments. Prepared to be hated by the very folks that should love you and embrace you. That includes other saints and even family. They believe in your prophecy more than you do. They can see who you are even when can't. Be prepared for undue hatred. Be prepared to suffer betrayal, captivity, isolation, shame, promotion, demotion, purging, humiliation and an emotional roller coaster. Be prepared to feel forgotten, lost and separated from everyone and anything that you loved. Be prepared then to know you are anointed and having to preach the gospel, share a word, deliver others out of their mess while you are still waiting to be delivered yourself. You'll have to preach father and his goodness even when you can't seem to get what you preach to show up in your life.
But also understand that you are right where he wants you to be so that you can be prepared for all that he has for you. Your promotion will shock everyone when it happens. You are simply being tested in your faithfulness to serve him under any and every condition.

Count the cost. It's still worth it.
Be blessed.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

T said...( or rather asked)
How do you know? Is it a gut feeling? Is it just if things are going right? How does one know if she and HE are on the same page?

Again, I have to state that I am no expert about G-d. I am constantly growing, learning and having to make the changes that allow me to better understand Father just like everybody else. Most of what I know is through trial and error. I think however what you are really asking me is how to not only develop a deeper relationship with G-d but to also understand when you are hearing his voice so you can know you are on the right track. I will do my best to explain as I understand it.
I know that the word of G-d says his sheep hear his voice, a stranger they will not follow (John 10). But it is a developed habit. Its not automatic and occasionally I still miss it. What I learned to do when I was really beginning to seek G-d is, I talked to him everywhere I went. While I cooked, before I went to bed, in the tub. I made it a habit to do this. I still do it. I have learned to talk to him in my mind all the time and often more than not I end up talking to him out loud. That was the first thing.
Hearing him..Well without being technical, our mind is our spirit and our spirit is of G-d. He seeks to guide us but we fail to ask. And even when we ask, we ask the wrong way. People say all the time, "G-d knows my heart"--he does but he also knows what you said. That's why it says out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34). What you ask is really what you are willing to hear him say, not what you want him to tell you. God is precise.
So if you ask him can I marry Joe"? You are subject to get a yes. What you should be asking is should I marry Joe? You can do anything because you have free-will--but should you do it, that's the question.
Now I hear people tell G-d all the time "Father, if it's not your will then it won't happen". Not true...Most of the time the mere fact that we say that is an indication that we already know that it's not his will . Things will only really not happen if you decide in your will to not allow something to take place. G-d doesn't act arbitrarily of our will. He wants us to choose.
Knowing whether you are on track or not-- its an unction. It's like you don't desire anything that he doesn't have for you regardless of what that is. It's hating what he hates and loving what he loves. It's preferring him above everything and everyone. It's making him a priority. Spending more time with him than doing what your flesh is really desiring to do. Like sleep. When I go to prayer in the morning, my body really prefers to sleep in. But I press on. Most days it's a struggle, but because it is a habit, it's easier to resist the urge to stay in bed. Not only that, I genuinely feel like he would miss me and I know I would miss him. He's here all the time, but that time in the morning is just ours. Prayer is more than talking to G-d, it's waiting around to hear what he has to say back to you. And he will talk back. He talks back from the word. His voice is the first voice you hear. It's not unsure. It's not negative or contrary to what the word says. It's not fearful or doubtful. It's sure. It's really hard for me to explain it in the written form.
What he says will be confirmed by signs and wonders. Not rockets in the sky but things that we usually miss. For instance, I had been seeking Father about a particular situation and I told him if this is you, my man of G-d will say something to that degree. Sure enough, he left the series he was preaching about and begin to go in detail about this particular thing. We also miss our signs because we want instant responses. It may take a couple of days. God confirms his word within 6 days of your request. It could be a bill board or a passage that's in the word that is finally illuminated to you or someone will say something that answers your question.
I am sure others can tell you how they know as well. It's subject to be similar, yet different for all of us. There is however nothing significant about my relationship with him. I often wonder why he even bothers to talk to me. That's what keeps me getting up. If you want it, it's there. But be ready to offend some folk. To get closer to G-d you will have to get by yourself, spend more time with him and be prepared to cut some folk off. Remember Abraham...G-d would not even speak again until Lot was separated from him (Genesis 13:14) It won't be that they won't be nice people, good people or even unsaved people--they will probably simply not going in the direction that you are going. Or they won't have the same intensity for him that you have. That's enough to G-d. So be prepared!
I really hope this answers your question.
Be blessed.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Ask me a question...

Several things are in my spirit today. So i'll start with sharing this...

I am not an expert on G-d. I don't claim to be, nor would I want to be. The word tells us that teachers of the word will be held to higher standard. That alone is scary enough. So what I write here is what father gives to me. What I have on my "chest" when I sit down to write. If you ask me a question, be prepared to get an answer based on the word and based on either my own personal experience as it relates to the situation. If I have none, I will simply tell you that and refer you to the word. You need a clear answer from the father not my inflated opinion! If you don't believe I can effectively answer you why ask? Am I the only one this irritates or am I totally in the flesh today?

This person called me and asked me a question today, but the answer I gave her was not what she wanted to hear. Clearly. So why did she call me? It's almost as if she was prepared not to hear what I had to say. And I was really nice calling her back because I don't tend to answer my phone for anyone but my husband in the daytime. I do not have time to sit and chat. Nor do I desire to because eventually people tend to get bored with not talking about other people.

My point is this, only ask people questions that you can truly receive from. Don't waste the rest our time! (I had to vent and get that out).


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Patiently enduring til' promise comes...Especially for women.

One of my greatest desires as a minister is to reach women. Who else better to serve women, than a woman herself? I always wanted to do this even before I found out I was a preacher. I wanted then (still do now) to open a women's shelter to assist women in getting away from abusive relationships with the help necessary to begin again. As a child I lived in a women's shelter for a fraction of time with my mother and I knew then I would want to do that when I grew up.
I also want to reach the younger women who are just on the cusp of woman-hood to teach them how to tap into that G-d given power that removes all fear and insecurity. I think that's one of the main reasons that young women subject themselves to early sex and consequently many times teenage pregnancy and motherhood. I understand that it is not my time yet because I am still working on some things of my own...I'm still immature in some areas. So I can wait. I don't want to try to assist someone only to hinder them in any way because I am yet immature myself. That would be awful.

Now I usually don't post stuff like this--But women....
Everyday that I spend at church I hear women going on and on talking about needing, wanting and finding a husband. First of all women aren't even supposed to be looking. If you get your hand out the cookie jar G-d could fill it! The word of G-d says that "he that findeth a wife...(proverbs 18:2) It also says in Isaiah 34:16 Seek ye out of the book of the LORD, and read: no one of these shall fail, none shall want her mate: Stop looking. Stop giving your number out to every man you think is available and learn to wait. You're supposed to be living and walking the word by faith--do what it says. You say you trust G-d--trust that he got ya' back and he'll bless you when it's your season. Now this is not for all women, some of are operating in something different--I'm talking to specific women.

Besides what are you going to do with a husband? It's more than companionship and sex. Believe that! There is a season(sometimes more than one) where sex is the least of your priorities nor desire! No matter how good you believe it is--it will play out eventually when other things come.

So to all those women who "just gotta have a huzbin' ask yourself....
Are you prepared to have sex when you are tired, stanky from leaking breast milk and sleep deprived, body achin' after the chilrens' arrive? Can you function as a wife and a mother tired from work and tending to sick children or just on an average night when the children interrupt your sleep and your husband sleeps on? Can you muster up desire then to put on a g-string and work it at any given time? Are you prepared to go through financial bouts, lack of time alone, or even a season when your husband may or may not desire to even seek the Lord? Can you say that you are prepared to carry a house on your shoulders in prayer and fasting, dragging your children to church alone until your husband pulls himself together? Are you ready to put your life into the hands of a man, trusting, that he has direction even when he says he doesn't know what to do??? Can you handle forgotten birthdays, anniversaries and mothers days? Can you stay and function as a wife until G-d releases you even though you want to flee as soon as the sun rises? And for black women--can you shut up even though you are right and he keeps talking, irritating you to the point where you feel as if you might burst(I told you I'm still under construction in some areas)? Or wait, can you handle him taking another persons opinion over yours even though you told him the exact same thing?

Now when I say these things women look at me as if I am crazy. Or bitter. Nahhhh...Baby. That's not it. I have been a new wife and now I am a veteran and I have not only witnessed these things in my own marriage, but in the marriages of others as well. Most women need to get a grip. They really don't want a husband they are looking for sex and drama. Women by nature love drama--especially black women. We say we don't want drama but if it follows you, you do. You can only attract who you were or who you are! That's the law of Genesis--every seed bears after it's own kind. Women don't want to hear other women's stories because they all believe none of these things can ever happen to them. If he's a man--it's possible. He is not G-D himself. He's subject to have moments when he is not the perfection you think you are about to get. Jesus said none is good--perfect--but the father (Matthew 19:17).

And even if you find your soul mate--because I hear plenty of women saying it will be different when I have him--"the one I was created for"--he's still in a flesh body! He'll still have issues. You are not perfection--so he can't and won't be either. I have seen soul mate marriages on the brink of divorce. Why? How? Because they are still people with experiences and baggage.
Don't be tricked, having your soul mate simply means you are in G-ds perfect will for your life and have the person created for you to enable you to walk in your destiny. It's about kingdom business! If you don't desire kingdom business over all..You might want to wait until you want father over anything else. Otherwise you'll make a man idolatry. G-d is not going to allow you to place anyone or anything above him! That's why some women are still waiting--you are immature in that area at least.

And finally...You have to realize that your David was more than likely someone else's Saul. Destined for greatness but not there or even close yet! If he was married before, his first wife had to endure lack, shortage, insufficiency and stupidity while he was their husband. But that woman helped prepare him for you. Have a sense of sisterhood and appreciation for what others went through so he could be your Boaz! And if you were married thank G-d for that time in hell. It will develop your character, teach you what you really don't want and deepen your walk with father and allow you understand the timing of father is perfect. You learn to lean on him. The single season has purpose. Embrace it! It's designed to teach you that you are ignorant of what you want, when you need it and who you really are. When you realize you are stupid and he's not, your on the right track. Even if you are a prophet--bless G-d--you still only know what he wants you to know!

So while you wait--don't be weary in well doing. Embrace the season. Allow G-d to be your husband, your companion, your friend. Become refined, develop a deeper prayer life and relationship with the one who's bestowing the gift. Before you can be promoted, he has to know that when he does, he'll still have you. If you are whining, complaining and impatient, you are missing the point of the single season. Besides that what patience means in the bible--waiting, remaining the same without complaint. You are not as ready as you think you are if you can't do that! Take it from a veteran. I had to have my huzbin'! Everyone else had one--I wanted mine. I got him. I won't go there but you understand....

********Just a side note:Another reason why some don't have their husbands is because they are contaminated. Yep I said it! If you are believing for a husband, you can't even spend time with everybody and anybody. Your system and spirit have to be purged from all other/former relationships. Not only that but if Boaz saw you talking to some of the men you allow to take up your time, he'd probably dismiss his interest in you thinking "if he can have her attention and he's a fool, anybody can!" Marriage and relationships in general are about favor--preferring another over all others. A man is seeking Favor! *********

Deal with your baggage. Confront you so that you can begin to allow father to purge you of all the stuff your marriage won't need added to it.If you don't endure the process, you'll duplicate past events in the new experience. And just wait....Job said he was going to wait until he change comes (Job 14:14). You are going to have to do the same.

Be blessed.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Walking in true DESTINY...

I had to write this because the message is so ingraded in my spirit until I have to take the time everyday to listen to the tape over and over. I go to sleep with it on and wake up to it since I purchased it last Thursday night.

I have this huge confession to make. I don't tend to walk in fear often because I know that it's not from father. 2 Timothy 1:7 says that he has not given us that spirit. Whenever I see fear in my life, I work overtime to eradicate it as quickly as possible. But I do however have ...I don't know what to call it--simply put, I do not want to miss anything and everything that Father has stored up for me. Now I know that plenty of saints like to sing "What G-d has for me...". But to be honest we sing that song lying...Most of us are so far off track that we don't even know what he really had for us. If you could get one glimpse of what he really wanted you to have you'd cry until you were sick to see how far off you really are.

I'm honest with myself. I know I'm off track. Now I just want to get back on. I want everything that father says he has for me. I want my house, my money, any relationship...
You can't handle that can you? If the husband I have now is not who G-d had for me, I hope we can part as amicably as possible. Maybe this is why my marriage has been an all out struggle since day one. That doesn't mean that I don't love him or care but I don't want anything that is not lined up with perfect destiny. Sounds selfish?--probably so. But I am honest about it. Most folks won't be honest enough, with themselves as well as others, to say that they know they are in possession of some things that they know he didn't give them. When I get back home to heaven, I need to know that I did my best to do EVERYTHING that
father wanted me to do. I need to hear "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." Maybe you don't need to hear it, but I do. I understand that everyone won't hear it. I want to hear it. All this hell down here and not have him say that? Whatever!!!

I am constantly aware that as well as it seems that I am doing, I know I am still off track. I can look at my life and see that I am missing it in a ton of areas. I am literally eating up every word my spiritual father says so that I can find myself conforming into the things that G-d predestined for me all along. Now I hear you thinking "G-d is not the author of confusion", that's exactly right--so this confusion that I have had to struggle and live in all this time is not of G-d. They are the error of bad choices and rebellion. God is about peace...
that means
That's not the picture I'm operating in right now.
Now I just need to know how do I get there? What do I need to do first? Pray of course, that's already done. Now I just have to listen and follow. Seems easy enough. But we all know that what G-d requires and asks often pulls on the flesh. We have trained our flesh to be rebellious. Now I have to train it be obedient again--in all things.
Stay tuned...I'll keep you posted on what's happening.
Be Blessed.