Friday, May 25, 2007


No scripture—just one woman sharing…

This week has been an incredibly long week for me. Lots of work—which to be honest, bears no similarity to work at all. It feels so natural when I’m working with my clients. Funny thing is I bring these people home with me. Long after the day, I find myself aware of things about them that cause me to sit up in bed and write notes on them late at night. I realize that in them, I see a small piece of me in every one of them. (Especially since 99% of them are women) Helping them, helps me learn a little more about me every day.

I have had two major “aha” moments this week. One from Lady Lee’s stories this week and the other from Op.rah. In the course of reading LadyLee’s story of the week, I understood how much watching the “Days of my Mothers’ life” have programmed certain mindsets into me. I knew they has some effect on me, but in the midst of life, we bury some things and “forget” that they happened or fail to see how they dropped a little nugget into your life that you are now carrying around acting on. Consequently it’s making me take a closer look at what my own children are “viewing”. Adults tend to live their lives as if there are no witnesses but them and G-d. But children are watching. In the midst of our “moments”, behind the door or in front of them, they are picking up things. And they are not as slow as we tend to believe they are. They get what we don’t vocalize. And they “hear” what’s really going on. They hear us bad talk others, retell other peoples business, they hear our viewpoint on everything from people, G-d, politics and TV. All of that is silently “programming” them as well. They study our habits, mannerisms and they make them their own. They become “imitators”.

I think about myself, in that as bad as I wanted to not be ANYTHING like my mother, I have a lot her in me. It irks when I act like her. But G-d is faithfully illuminating areas so that I can get as much of her out of me as possible! I thank Him for that, because for the longest, I could not see it. I love her and I know she loves me in her own capacity, but she doesn’t know me. She’s never read anything that I have written as an adult, knows nothing of my life goals, dreams, or desires. She’s seen me preach once and doesn’t remember that I told her I was writing a book(s). She simply has no clue as to who I am. People who read this blog know more about me than she does. Even when I talk to her now, it’s about surface stuff, her dog, her life and her sharing pieces of other people’s lives. I feel sad for her. She’s missing out on some things. I used to think that only of my dad, who at 32, I still have yet to meet. He has an excuse, he wasn’t there, but she was. I find it incredibly sad for a parent to be in a house with a child and still fail to know them. To miss the adulthood of their children as well is just pitiful. I was thinking while reading
LadyLee’s story how much that man was missing of his child’s life while he was out running the street and what the mother was missing as well while she was fuming over the father being out and longing for him to be there. It reminded me to be present with my children at all times allowing them to be my focus instead of other things or people.

The “aha” moment from Op.rah today was that her life coach was telling a group of women, that children don’t mimic what we give them, they mimic what we give ourselves. Her example was if they see you loving them but not yourself, they don’t learn how to love themselves either. Sheesh! I definitely have a hard time caring for me. I rarely reward myself and feel weird when people give me any type of praise or comments. I’m a long ways away from a big head! I celebrate, encourage and minister to others, but rarely have time for me. That’s why as much as I Love my 5 children, I don’t mention them here often. This is MY little peace of space for me. (If you ever wondered about that, now you know) This year I am discovering a lot about me, some things I like, but a lot of things I need to work on. The more I learn, the more that can be fixed, the more progress I can make forward. I love how G-d uses the most unlikely things to bring clarity and change. He never stops amazing me!

As always, be blessed.


Sunday, May 20, 2007

But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. Psalm 5:11
Last year I talked about my inexperience in the area of trust. The trust that I have lacked for people as well as the lack of trust I have for G-d in specific areas. I understood then that real trust is gained over a period of time by the experiences that we share and what we learn through those experiences. Trust with G-d is gained the same way. Many of us think that we should trust automatically until something is shown to us to pull our trust back. That’s actually quite backwards with anything or anyone except G-d. The scripture says that His thoughts and plans toward us are good.(Jeremiah 29:11) That may not always be the case with others. People can have the best intentions but still fall short. I have learned to not even trust myself in that way because based on my own experiences in making decisions, my record is simply not clean enough to even try to do things minus the sanction of G-d. Not everyone thinks that way, but to each his own. Proverbs 16:25 talks about a way that seems right but the end thereof being death. Death implies a separation from that which you really want. I have experienced “death” in too many areas to leave it up to me now.

I have spent a lot of time the last couple of days thinking about how G-d teaches us to trust Him in the little things. A couple of weeks back I was reading and the author mentioned another book and I decided to look that book up on Am.a.zon and found out that the book was at least $70-100 for one copy. I thought to myself “what is in this book?” The price didn’t deter me from wanting it; I just figured that I would have to get it another way. I wrote it on my book list of the ones I want and forgot about it. When it comes to books, I love them, but I hate to pay full price for them. The less money I spend, the more books I can buy. That became my motto as a child and it has kind of stuck with me.

I decided that later on that week on Friday I would go to the Army to look and see what was new. I took my daughter with me because she loves books the same way I do and since it was “bag of books day” we proceeded to load up. When we were both finished, I got ready to leave but for some reason I turned and started looking over the first aisle that I had already looked over and I spotted the book. I didn’t pull it out immediately because the title sounded familiar but I kept thinking that wasn’t the one. Finally I pulled it out—a perfectly good copy of the book that I had wrote down several days before. I can not tell you how excited I was and initially I must have carried that book around in my purse in awe of the fact that I actually owned a book with that cost that much. I told everyone I could think of. Testimony empowers others to believe in the promises of G-d too.

I learned 3 things in that experience that enable me to take my trust for G-d to another level. 1. He really wants to have everything that I want no matter how minor it seems. From the pair of shoes to largest check I can think of. S23 has these shoes from Ni.Ne West on her blog in the comments section that I have become quite fond of. I decided last week I have got to have those shoes! (In every color too). Sometimes I hold my foot out imagining those shoes on my feet. I imagine them paired with different outfits too. They always look good, of course :)

The second thing that He taught me with this book is that all things in G-d’s timing. That’s a lesson we often have to learn over and over simply because we don’t like to wait. Now I could rush and buy them on my own accord, but getting stuff minus my funds is so much better. And I know that G-d has not told me to. So I can wait. I haven’t always been this patient, but I’ve had to learn the hard way about random spending without direction. Nothing worse than getting something that you have “scrimp” and move funds around to pay. G-d’s way adds no sorrow. When He gives us something, finances are the first thing that He increases and works on so that we don’t “sorrow” over the monthly payment or the maintenance of it. There is nothing like getting a new car or house or even a spouse that we can’t afford to have. Can’t half enjoy any of it for the struggle involved in the midst of it.

3. And most importantly, I don’t need money to do anything, I only need G-d. Money is simply a form of exchange that allows us to acquire the things that we want. G-d is greater than any amount of money can ever be. Now finances are a tough thing to trust G-d in. I think it’s because we are trained that money is a requirement to exist. We are visual and we know that when the light bill is due, telling them that to call G-d He’s paying it this month doesn’t work with the folk at the light company. It would be great if it did, but we need to have that word from G-d prior to bill time. He promises to meet our every need, but we need to be established in that thinking before we actually believe it and that’s why we fail to get things met from time to time, because we don’t really believe it. Confessing it doesn’t mean you believe it. We have to learn how to trust Him on that level first in the little things before we can conquer the large things like finances. With finances, we truly go from faith the faith because each new level of trust in that area is done step by step. When He does the little things, that small thing is a testimony to His desire to do all things. The more we dwell on those things understanding that “if He did that He can do this”, will move us from one level to the next over a period of time. Always know that anything you face is minor in the face of G-d. Our victories are already done because G-d creates the way of escape before we are faced with the problem.

As always, Be Blessed. Chosen.

Part 2 of “Following The First Mind” is posted here on my other blog.

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