Sunday, October 28, 2007

Run your race…

“And let us run with patience the race that is set before us…: Hebrews 12:1c

I can not tell you how much I have missed this place. Writing is so much of who I am that when I don’t do it, I know that I am definitely missing out on something. I haven’t even of late made time to at least read my other favorite blogs so I have a lot of catching up to do.

Life is good. Not because everything is perfect or going well, but merely because I’m thankful to have it. I have decided to slow down in some areas of my life. Mainly my schedule. Over the summer I spent tons of time running between home with the kids’ activities, taking care of my family, work, and trying to find time for myself. I ended up with a cold that I found a little harder to get over than usual. My daughter, who is 14, suggested that I rest- not partially but put “my list” down and be still. I think I ignored her “childish” advice for about one more week before I decided that she had the word on that thing. While I was still, G-d reminded of all the things I REALLY wanted to do and why those things were important.

The first place I made cuts was in my job. Shorter hours with less responsibility work best for me. As much as I love it, I realized after some prolonged thought that I allowed myself to get caught up with all of that. Ever go into something with one clear intent and find yourself completely off target a while later forgetting what it was you originally desired? That’s where I found myself of late. Initially I took it to put funds into other projects I wanted to expand of my own. Those projects have found themselves on hold longer than they should’ve been. But once I started this job, I fell in love with my clients and wanting to use that place as a form of ministry. And while it’s still ministry to me, I lost my desire to become a director like I thought I wanted to. I think more than anything, I kinda got swept up in the fact that for once In a long time I felt necessary, capable, and talented and accomplished. In hindsight I was simply receiving from people a validation of who G-d had already showed me I was. Sad, but true. Accepting that promotion was a blinding moment. I allowed myself to be distracted. But, with clearer vision, I’ve taken a step back and 10 steps forward.

I don’t know what came over me. I’m competitive by nature. I never thought that I was, but during this fantastic year of discovery, I know I am. That competitive spirit serves to work well at times and works against me at others. Initially, I needed to erase doubt within myself of what I am capable of. You know erase some invisible stigma I thought was attached to me as a “Stay at home Mom”. I allowed myself to compare myself to other women thinking I can do more, give more, be more. You know that whole unwritten standard that we can try to adhere to. I have always in the past been able to see the value in what I took on as a stay at home mother. You can’t belittle wiping runny noses, hugging away tears, reading story books, or preparing home cooked meals. It’s intangible. Somehow I forgot that.

I understand that I have to run my race. My life works for me, because it’s built on my core beliefs and around my priorities. I define the standard. It can’t be compared to no one else’s. I am called to something totally unique. Therefore I have to run at my speed, on my level and in my time. I live a fantastic life. And in that I am beyond content. I feel no loss with my steeping away from what may seem like a great position. I already had one, I simply needed to be reminded of that.

As always, Be Blessed,