Re-Cap…
“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us…”: Ephesians 3:20


I don’t think anyone can do a disappearing act like I can. However I have always said that when I needed to I could totally not write for a while until whatever else that I had going on could be taken care of to the best of my ability. And that is what I did. I always say people make time for the things they want to make the time for. I preach it often at work so I know that while I could have made the time to keep this blog up, I simply decided not so that I place my complete and total attention elsewhere. Sometimes G-d will have you in a season where you are getting to know Him and in doing so you get to know yourself as well. That’s where I have been for the last year.

I have had to rebuild my family life, first and foremost my marriage. I have purposely been silent on the subject as I removed myself from the equation and allowed G-d to be G-D! So often flesh can try to determine a path for us that while it may seem like the “Yellow brick road”, it is the farthest path away from where G-d is trying to take you. I will be the first to admit that I have struggled with this marriage for an awful amount of time. Often believing that we were so far away from any possibility of reconciliation. However, the one thing that had to happen before that was even possible was that I had to go back to the basics and fall in love with myself. And when I say that I mean all of me. Shortcomings, failures, periods of stupidity all of it. From all of it I had to learn to rebuild the trust in myself that I am capable of being, doing, accomplishing, having, all that I have asked for in my life.

I have admitted trust issues before—with other people-not realizing that I have to come to that point with them because on a deeper level I failed to trust myself. Before I got married I knew I wasn’t supposed to get married then. I always thought It was because I had the wrong person, when He was actually talking about the timing of it. I was not emotionally prepared for the relationship. I failed to allow G-d to process me like I needed to be. Quite frankly I needed to be healed from past hurts, relationships and childhood traumas. I picked up some habits regarding relationships from the women in my life-aunties, my grandmother and even my mother. LadyLee pointed this out once and I was to bull-headed to see it then, but during this year, I have often thought of her words because I was finally able to see the truth in them. Thank you for speaking even though I was able to receive them at the time.

This past year has allowed me to deal with those past things to the point of where I don’t even feel pain like I used to. I can think of past hurts with indifference and even smile because I know that greater good has come out of them. Through all of that my heart was able to be open to being able love myself as well as others like I have wanted to all of my life.

So my husband and I have been working on our relationship this entire time. Becoming friends again like we were a very long time ago. Learning to listen and really hear one another on a different level. Working together to build the relationship wanted to have from the very beginning. And it has been hard work. I had to learn to focus more on me than what I felt was wrong with him. I think with any type of relationship, that is where people get off on the wrong road—worrying about the other person instead of themselves. Once I began to change, my husband response to me changed and in the process along the line, he changed as well. It’s been incredibly good. Not perfect, but always working and evolving.

My relationship with my mother has also greatly improved as well. For the first time since I can remember, I often miss her and pick up the phone and call her to check on her and to hear her voice. I am actually looking forward to her coming to visit me at some point this year.

2007 was a good year. I know that this one will be even better. G-d is so faithful!
I have more to re-cap and I will at another time in the next week. I have a lot to share from the things I have been learning this year.

Be Blessed. Chosen.

Checking myself…
Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11

G-d is so awesome! I have to tell you that I am so blessed by His parenting and His care of me. I’m about to transfer to another center within my company for better pay and scheduling. I am really looking forward to it simply because I know that my talents will be better utilized there. My job is fantastic, I absolutely love it! I had been a little frustrated because from time to time I have been discouraged from going above and beyond or from wanting to do things the way I was trained to do them. I decided that I was going to do me and work as unto G-d and not complain or care what others thought. A couple of weeks ago another center called me and asked if I wanted to come over there. I gladly accepted. Better pay, better hours and I will be in the center that was originally my first pick anyway. A couple of weeks went by and I hadn’t heard anything and I begin to wonder when or how and for a moment even IF. The offer was so good that I wondered if I dreamed it. I decided to let go. After all, delay means there are some lessons in there somewhere that I needed. I knew that it would be just a matter of time before G-d moved me. Finally this week, the Area director came and talked to me and not only offered me the job at the other center but she offered me another promotion that I will be training for as well. I was really shocked because I thought that I was waiting for one thing and got something much better!!!!!!!!!

But through the process, I realized there are some lessons in this period of time that should be used in any life situation. Back in the day when preparing to move from one place I would stop giving my best, sort of saving my time and energy for the new place with people that I thought would appreciate me. In hindsight that was very immature and I missed some things back then. Like for instance, You have to continue to give a 110% as if you were in the place you are preparing for. Every act is a seed and we know that seed bear after their own kind. I want a harvest of giving my all, so I’ll continue to give it regardless of whether I get it back or not. The harvest is coming, it just may not come from the placed I’m sowing it.

Another thing with that is that G-d uses people to mature us. Part of the maturing process was to be able to look past people to reap the blessing of the place I am in. I always remind myself that the people I work with are not the company I work for, they are EMPLOYEES just like me. I work with them. Sometimes people can’t handle your “shine” and so they try to discourage you from being great. Just because they have lost their zeal for the job they do, doesn’t mean that I will allow their mess to rub off on me. I smile and keep moving. G-d uses them to work the kinks out of me. I’ve noticed by watching them, I learn what not do and even pick up some things that I can use along the way. Reminds me of Jesus and his disciples. Though he knew who the betrayer was He never called him by name because quite frankly, there was a little of Judas in all of them. I love how they all begin to wonder if it was them which lets me know we have to check ourselves every once in a while. In the midst of this, I learned that because I value me and the work I do, I could care less if the people working with me do or not. They don’t issue promotions and they don’t sign my check! If I always keep it in the perspective that at all times I am working for G-d in this place, I can handle anything and anyone.

Another thing is you have to learn to be happy, really happy wherever you are despite people, situations and obstacles. If you can be happy in place that’s far from perfect you can be happy anywhere. Most people expect to be a little unhappy or unsatisfied without the things or circumstances that they are waiting never fully understanding that’s the lesson G-d is trying to teach us during those times. In being happy with my life as it is today, in being grateful for every rough place, every day that was less than perfect, I won’t have any problem continuing to be happy when I arrive at my next destination. If you can’t be happy in the mean time you really won’t be happy later. Real happiness, I’ve discovered is in Him. It’s taking simple joy in the life that He gave, therefore understanding your value to Him and His love for you. I am happy with just Him. It’s so cool to realize that I am with my Father every single day and that He’s there to help in any situation. Besides it’s still the seed thing as well, So if I want happiness and contentment there, I have to have it here as well so that I can reap it later.

I believe that in the ability to be content i.e. able to live my life to the fullest not putting things of to a time of “when”, I am truly able to be mature of for things that I am waiting for. Are all of my days perfect, no. But I EXPECT to have great days every day. I expect things to be only good because scripture says that with G-d all things are possible. And since He’s always with me, I expect only the best. Do I still have emotional moments? Yes. I have learned to talk myself through them by reminding myself of who I am and what I am capable of. I re-shift my focus to all that is good in my life and that does it.

Finally, I have realized that just because situations can look like things that have happened to me before, it’s different this time. Something in it is different. Sometimes you can get so accustomed to the journey being the same that you miss the subtle differences along the way. The mere fact that we seem to be going down the same road again is because we missed the lesson in that situation the first time. Looking at a situation from a different angle often leads us to the thing we missed the first few trips around. What we find is our key to deliverance in this area. It’s surprising the things that you miss along the way. The being happy at all times was major for me. I wish I could describe all the ways its making a difference in my life, but I think it's intangible to anyone but me.

As always, Be Blessed.
Chosen.

Progress…

No scripture—just one woman sharing…

This week has been an incredibly long week for me. Lots of work—which to be honest, bears no similarity to work at all. It feels so natural when I’m working with my clients. Funny thing is I bring these people home with me. Long after the day, I find myself aware of things about them that cause me to sit up in bed and write notes on them late at night. I realize that in them, I see a small piece of me in every one of them. (Especially since 99% of them are women) Helping them, helps me learn a little more about me every day.

I have had two major “aha” moments this week. One from Lady Lee’s stories this week and the other from Op.rah. In the course of reading LadyLee’s story of the week, I understood how much watching the “Days of my Mothers’ life” have programmed certain mindsets into me. I knew they has some effect on me, but in the midst of life, we bury some things and “forget” that they happened or fail to see how they dropped a little nugget into your life that you are now carrying around acting on. Consequently it’s making me take a closer look at what my own children are “viewing”. Adults tend to live their lives as if there are no witnesses but them and G-d. But children are watching. In the midst of our “moments”, behind the door or in front of them, they are picking up things. And they are not as slow as we tend to believe they are. They get what we don’t vocalize. And they “hear” what’s really going on. They hear us bad talk others, retell other peoples business, they hear our viewpoint on everything from people, G-d, politics and TV. All of that is silently “programming” them as well. They study our habits, mannerisms and they make them their own. They become “imitators”.

I think about myself, in that as bad as I wanted to not be ANYTHING like my mother, I have a lot her in me. It irks when I act like her. But G-d is faithfully illuminating areas so that I can get as much of her out of me as possible! I thank Him for that, because for the longest, I could not see it. I love her and I know she loves me in her own capacity, but she doesn’t know me. She’s never read anything that I have written as an adult, knows nothing of my life goals, dreams, or desires. She’s seen me preach once and doesn’t remember that I told her I was writing a book(s). She simply has no clue as to who I am. People who read this blog know more about me than she does. Even when I talk to her now, it’s about surface stuff, her dog, her life and her sharing pieces of other people’s lives. I feel sad for her. She’s missing out on some things. I used to think that only of my dad, who at 32, I still have yet to meet. He has an excuse, he wasn’t there, but she was. I find it incredibly sad for a parent to be in a house with a child and still fail to know them. To miss the adulthood of their children as well is just pitiful. I was thinking while reading
LadyLee’s story how much that man was missing of his child’s life while he was out running the street and what the mother was missing as well while she was fuming over the father being out and longing for him to be there. It reminded me to be present with my children at all times allowing them to be my focus instead of other things or people.

The “aha” moment from Op.rah today was that her life coach was telling a group of women, that children don’t mimic what we give them, they mimic what we give ourselves. Her example was if they see you loving them but not yourself, they don’t learn how to love themselves either. Sheesh! I definitely have a hard time caring for me. I rarely reward myself and feel weird when people give me any type of praise or comments. I’m a long ways away from a big head! I celebrate, encourage and minister to others, but rarely have time for me. That’s why as much as I Love my 5 children, I don’t mention them here often. This is MY little peace of space for me. (If you ever wondered about that, now you know) This year I am discovering a lot about me, some things I like, but a lot of things I need to work on. The more I learn, the more that can be fixed, the more progress I can make forward. I love how G-d uses the most unlikely things to bring clarity and change. He never stops amazing me!

As always, be blessed.
Chosen.

Trust-Revisited.

But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. Psalm 5:11

Last year I talked about my inexperience in the area of trust. The trust that I have lacked for people as well as the lack of trust I have for G-d in specific areas. I understood then that real trust is gained over a period of time by the experiences that we share and what we learn through those experiences. Trust with G-d is gained the same way. Many of us think that we should trust automatically until something is shown to us to pull our trust back. That’s actually quite backwards with anything or anyone except G-d. The scripture says that His thoughts and plans toward us are good.(Jeremiah 29:11) That may not always be the case with others. People can have the best intentions but still fall short. I have learned to not even trust myself in that way because based on my own experiences in making decisions, my record is simply not clean enough to even try to do things minus the sanction of G-d. Not everyone thinks that way, but to each his own. Proverbs 16:25 talks about a way that seems right but the end thereof being death. Death implies a separation from that which you really want. I have experienced “death” in too many areas to leave it up to me now.

I have spent a lot of time the last couple of days thinking about how G-d teaches us to trust Him in the little things. A couple of weeks back I was reading and the author mentioned another book and I decided to look that book up on Am.a.zon and found out that the book was at least $70-100 for one copy. I thought to myself “what is in this book?” The price didn’t deter me from wanting it; I just figured that I would have to get it another way. I wrote it on my book list of the ones I want and forgot about it. When it comes to books, I love them, but I hate to pay full price for them. The less money I spend, the more books I can buy. That became my motto as a child and it has kind of stuck with me.

I decided that later on that week on Friday I would go to the Sal.va.tion Army to look and see what was new. I took my daughter with me because she loves books the same way I do and since it was “bag of books day” we proceeded to load up. When we were both finished, I got ready to leave but for some reason I turned and started looking over the first aisle that I had already looked over and I spotted the book. I didn’t pull it out immediately because the title sounded familiar but I kept thinking that wasn’t the one. Finally I pulled it out—a perfectly good copy of the book that I had wrote down several days before. I can not tell you how excited I was and initially I must have carried that book around in my purse in awe of the fact that I actually owned a book with that cost that much. I told everyone I could think of. Testimony empowers others to believe in the promises of G-d too.

I learned 3 things in that experience that enable me to take my trust for G-d to another level. 1. He really wants to have everything that I want no matter how minor it seems. From the pair of shoes to largest check I can think of. S23 has these shoes from Ni.Ne West on her blog in the comments section that I have become quite fond of. I decided last week I have got to have those shoes! (In every color too). Sometimes I hold my foot out imagining those shoes on my feet. I imagine them paired with different outfits too. They always look good, of course :)

The second thing that He taught me with this book is that all things in G-d’s timing. That’s a lesson we often have to learn over and over simply because we don’t like to wait. Now I could rush and buy them on my own accord, but getting stuff minus my funds is so much better. And I know that G-d has not told me to. So I can wait. I haven’t always been this patient, but I’ve had to learn the hard way about random spending without direction. Nothing worse than getting something that you have “scrimp” and move funds around to pay. G-d’s way adds no sorrow. When He gives us something, finances are the first thing that He increases and works on so that we don’t “sorrow” over the monthly payment or the maintenance of it. There is nothing like getting a new car or house or even a spouse that we can’t afford to have. Can’t half enjoy any of it for the struggle involved in the midst of it.

3. And most importantly, I don’t need money to do anything, I only need G-d. Money is simply a form of exchange that allows us to acquire the things that we want. G-d is greater than any amount of money can ever be. Now finances are a tough thing to trust G-d in. I think it’s because we are trained that money is a requirement to exist. We are visual and we know that when the light bill is due, telling them that to call G-d He’s paying it this month doesn’t work with the folk at the light company. It would be great if it did, but we need to have that word from G-d prior to bill time. He promises to meet our every need, but we need to be established in that thinking before we actually believe it and that’s why we fail to get things met from time to time, because we don’t really believe it. Confessing it doesn’t mean you believe it. We have to learn how to trust Him on that level first in the little things before we can conquer the large things like finances. With finances, we truly go from faith the faith because each new level of trust in that area is done step by step. When He does the little things, that small thing is a testimony to His desire to do all things. The more we dwell on those things understanding that “if He did that He can do this”, will move us from one level to the next over a period of time. Always know that anything you face is minor in the face of G-d. Our victories are already done because G-d creates the way of escape before we are faced with the problem.

As always, Be Blessed. Chosen.

Part 2 of “Following The First Mind” is posted here on my other blog.

Following your first “Mind”…Part one.

“and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me;”
Rev 4:1

I promised that I would share the circumstances of my cousin’s death and in keeping with that here goes.

Since his death is still under investigation, I won’t release any major details but it can be summed up into one sentence: He missed the voice of G-d. You see, G-d had given him a warning about some people he had met when he first moved to VA. No one knows where he had met them—could’ve been a concert, church, one of the organizations he was involved with. The how or the where is null and void at this point. But he did tell his mother that he wouldn’t be hanging around them anymore because there was something off and shady about them. That knowledge was his warning from G-d. He died while with those people and they left him. They didn’t take him to the hospital or see to his immediate care. They left him. I think that’s one of the things that hurts most is the indifference to his life. But I know that G-d will reveal all and give us all peace on that. I don’t wish them harm or hurt, they too are somebody’s children and we all make mistakes. Sometimes they cost others their lives or even our own. There is a lesson from it all.

In the midst of conversations after the fact, we realized that he missed his warning. He reasoned it away because they shared a common interest and he didn’t think that it would be a big deal to go this one last time. I often wonder if he knew after he got in the car with them or if he realized at some point too late in the night, or in hindsight he realized that G-d had indeed spoken to him. Either way, now it’s just a detail because he didn’t have an opportunity to correct it.

Now for me personally, I can’t count the times I have missed it. Funny thing is that we always tend to realize that G-d had given us directions after we have missed Him. Shoot, I’m in some stuff right now that is a backlash to missing the voice of G-d! Back then, it was unfamiliar to me and so as a back up he even sent people to tell me so I really had no excuse. But I thought those people were some haters and they just wanted to see me unhappy. I reasoned that they needed to mind their own business and they were jealous and especially because some of these folks didn’t even know me that well! They didn’t know what was going on in my life day to day and all the good things I was experiencing. I ignored them. And the voice, well I thought that was fear. (Yeah, I was that deluded). And umm..real haters seek your literal death--that's what the story of Saul and David or the Philistines and the Israelites show us. Folk that are just talking are just envious--They don't know all that we go through to get what we have. They think the sun was always shining on us. They don't know about the tears and the struggles and the times we thought we couldn't take another day. Instead of talking about them,I have learned to pray for them. You can't want what another has without going through some pain. I also pray for myself because at some point I sowed that seed against someone else and they are just carrying out my harvest. They weren't haters, they were my sign. But I digress.

About a year and a half later I wondered about all of those people’s warnings and the “voice” itself. But I continued to shake it off—3 years into it, I KNEW that I had missed it. But it was too late and pride wouldn’t let me walk away. I was determined to stick it out. Ask me today and I could almost tell you the day and time the voice spoke. In hindsight the voice was that clear now. Sadly most people would weep if I told them the FULL story. I tried last year to share the full story but found that it was not only too embarrassing but also too painful to recount all the mess I had allowed myself to partake of as a result of missing that voice.One day I will fill-in the blanks to whole thing when I'm on the other side of it.

I missed it again more recently but I am so grateful that G-d is merciful and is allowing me the grace to fix myself and to get back to the place I belong. That’s where I implemented the Isaiah 7:11 plan. I ask Him for a sign. G-d always follows His word with a sign. No matter what, I ask for a sign. Never fails. I can’t count the number of times I wished I could do a “do over” so I could extricate myself from things after ward. I thank G-d for His deliverance in the right time and in the right season but I can skip all of that if I get it the first time . I thank Him because I do have the opportunity to get out and start all over again. So often, like my cousin, some don’t. I remember viewing a girl on O.prah that had been burned by her husband and she said in hindsight she knew G-d had told her to go, but she did not. She too missed her sign. Escaping with her life and a constant reminder of that every day of her life. There was a pastor some years ago here in Denver that died in a plane crash whose wife said he told her he felt like he should have canceled his trip, but he did not want to disappoint the people who he was going to meet with. He too missed his sign.

If there is one thing that I want to teach in ministry, it is how important recognizing and following the voice of G-d the first time. I tell my children that being obedient in the things I say, will teach them to be obedient in hearing the voice of G-d later. Some times I will only get the chance to tell them something one time and I want them to be obedient so that they never question it. What the enemy does is give us a rebellious spirit in the seemingly minor things so that he can’t get us to also rebel against something that G-d would say. Ignoring what seems to be minor rules here and there can set us up for that. We get to doing things our way and we ignore the set order established. Rebellion is a seed and we reap in other areas of our lives and wonder why it happens. If we rebel it often shows up in our children. They tend to be our barometer. Those harvests take no time to show up either. To be continued...